Oldie #1: A Thigh Slapping Good Time

Shehanne Moore encouraged me to republish some of my older stuff on WordPress. Well, it doesn’t get much older than this piece. I give you my second blog post on WP. 

https://nananoyz5forme.com/2014/07/11/a-thigh-slapping-good-time/

When Things Change

We age, first in slow-motion, will we ever ride a bike, drive a car, kiss a guy, marry well, bear children?

Then in a blur of wrinkles and gray hair,
Burgeoning numbers of bad cholesterol
Measured in blood tests,

Weighed against stress tests, when we thought our testing days were done. The numbers now matter

More than did our percentages on history tests and English exams. We only thought those were matters of life and death.

Gain

I gain weight just thinking about food:
cheesecake
clam bake
cheese steak
for pete’s sake!

Where once I was skinny, pitifully so,
now I have ample hips and my bosom doth grow.

Bring me pizza and fried shrimp, pasta and fries, if I’m going to be fat I’ll feast on cream pies.

A size two times larger than last year’s clothes, I’m singing the blues and striking a pose.

Why in all other aspects is bigger deemed great, but a gain in weight is a terrible fate?

  

Silly Wishes

I wish…

I could order a haircut from Amazon.com the way I order books. One click and I’d 

Receive the perfect style to frame my face and suit my life. No hassle and free 

Shipping. And while I’m at it, I wish that weight loss was as easy as weight gain. 

Want a piece of key lime pound cake? No problem. Merely chewing with good 

Intentions will result in counteracting any calories consumed. If I’m greedy, I also 

Wish that Donald Trump would publicly admit he hasn’t a clue about being 

President. And just for good measure, his supporters would understand that’s a 

Negative.

Mr. Tarentino, I’m Ready for my Closeup.

 I was blaming the holidays and a weekend visit with friends from Indiana for my sudden and startling gain of ten pounds. Long gone, it seems, are the days when I could inhale an entire pepperoni pizza and not gain a tenth of a pound. Nowadays if I even look too longingly at a Cinnabon sign I find myself in need of a new pant size.

Then I saw this meme on Facebook:

  
And I knew what a much better story it would make.

(Ring, ring!)

Quentin Tarentino: Talk to me.

Me: Mr. Tarantino?

QT: Yes? 

Me: Hey! This is Leslie. Leslie Noyes? You know the kind of hefty, middle aged female lead for your next film, The Overweight Eight?

QT: I’m sorry. There must be some misunderstanding. We just released a film with a similar title, but….

Me: I was really counting on this role, and I’ve already gained the weight. Are you sure…? I can be at the studio tomorrow. Samuel L. Jackson is going to love me!

QT: Look lady. I’m sure you’re a real groovy chick, but I don’t know you. Never call me again, or I’ll have you arrested. (Click!)

I guess I wasted all that money on my SAG card, too.

Peace, people!

Thanks Spanx

My attention span’s grown shorter
With time’s relentless trudge.
Predictably, my waist has widened
As have my hips and stately bust.

With no hesitation have I turned
To undergarments stout and bold
For Spanx has kept my jigglies firm
While years have turned my assets old.

  

Contemplating Pizza

When I graduated from high school in 1975 I weighed a whopping 115 lbs. At 5’8″ I was one skinny chick. I was also fairly shy and unassuming. 

Forty years later I’m proud to say, I’m still 5’8″ tall. Yep, I’m pretty proud of that. Plus I can still wear the same earrings that fit me back then, not to brag or anything. 

On a day to day basis I don’t give my weight much thought, but in late October the group of people I went to school with in Floydada, Texas, is having its 40 year reunion. I’m pretty sure I can’t get down to 110 (or 120 or 130 or…), but it’d be nice to lose 10 pounds or so. 

I probably should start working on that right away. Or maybe I’ll have another slice of pizza.

Oh, I’m not that shy and unassuming anymore either.

  

Peace, people!

Losing Weight

2015/01/img_2386.jpg

Weigh in scheduled for
11:30 a.m.
Jenny Craig awaits.
Still in bed at 9:05 trying to
Decide if I will weigh less
By doing nothing productive
Before my appointment, or
If I should arise and run
Frantically around exercising
Enough to make up for the
Non-exercise I did all week.
Questions arise:
Which non-activity
Burns more calories?
Not riding a stationary bike or
Not walking for two miles?
Opting for option #2 I slip back
Beneath the covers and
Dream of key lime pound cake.

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Peace, People!