Write drunk, edit sober is good advice unless one’s drunk writing makes sober editing extremely difficult.
There’s really no point to this post except that I’m having TONS of fun (insert eye roll) finding all of the little mistakes and inconsistencies in my manuscript. I can see the finish line, but there are all these obstacles in the way, such as wayward quotation marks, accidental apostrophes, missing words, and redundant chuckles. She chuckled, he chuckled, they all chuckled. Back to back to back chuckles are annoying.
I shall stay the course, though. Let no chuckle go unnoticed.
Fans of American football will remember Dandy Don Meredith on Monday Night Football. When, in a game, the lead became insurmountable and the outcome undeniable, Dandy Don would break out in song, specifically, “Turn out the Lights (The Party’s Over)”.
Maybe someone should stand outside the White House and blast that song from a boom box until the current occupant of the White House gets the message. Trump isn’t all that bright, but maybe we could annoy him enough that he’d finally concede.
Tuesday morning Studly Doright took me to breakfast at one of his favorite spots. I’d never eaten there because I don’t generally eat breakfast, but Studly has talked about this place for two years, so I finally relented.
The place is kind of a dive on the outskirts of Tallahassee. I’ve driven by it many times but never felt inclined to stop there for any reason. Studly and I have quite different ideas of what constitutes a good restaurant.
When we arrived the small dining area was almost empty, but between the time we placed our order and the time our food arrived the place had filled up. Following Studly’s lead I ordered pancakes, and they really were as good as he’d claimed. Unfortunately they didn’t cancel out the conversation swirling around us. It went something like this:
Old White Man: It looks like that Biden’s going to steal the election.
Old White Woman: You know Nancy Pelosi is just going to have him removed as soon as possible.
Different Old White Man: Yep, I heard that. Then that KamAlla will be President and she’s going to get that socialist, commie Cortez to be her Vice President.
Different Old White Woman Who Was Our Waitress: And that’ll be the end of this whole USA.
Old White Man: First thing they’ll do is try to take my guns, but I ain’t giving ‘em up without no fight.
Around this point I swallowed the last bite of my absolutely perfect pancake and suggested to my husband that we should leave before I said out loud the word I was thinking. In case you’re wondering, the word was “bullsh*t”. Once I had my mask back on I said the word multiple times. Not loud enough for anyone to hear it, but it made me feel better.
Where do these people get such outrageous ideas? I know this crazy theory isn’t only being bandied about in Tallahassee, Florida. I’ve also read it in friends’ posts on social media. So some tv conspiracy theorist must be pushing it. My money’s on this guy:
Studly Doright has been gone for nearly a week. He’s due home any minute now, and it’s about damned time. I don’t sleep well when he’s gone, so I might’ve had a little more wine than was prudent last night.
The good news is, it worked. Last night I slept deeply and had wonderful dreams. The bad news? Apparently I ordered a pair of tights and a deck of tarot cards from Amazon. I only know this because there are messages to that effect in my inbox.
All I can say is, the future’s so bright I’ve gotta wear tights.
Have you ever had one of those days where you seem to successfully dodge one mishap after another? I have to confess that’s not my norm. If a ball has begun rolling down hill a mile away from me then chances are our paths will cross before long and I’ll go heels over head in spectacular fashion.
Yesterday, though, on my way home from Tallahassee I managed to avoid one potentially injurious incident after another. Rather than go into detail I’ll simply list them.
1) Someone driving a sporty red car ran a red light through a busy intersection just as I entered said intersection. My reflexes saved me. My raised middle finger was of no use.
2) A mile or so down the road an impatient driver on a side street pulled around another car and darted in front of me. I applied my brakes and my horn simultaneously. No fingers were raised.
3) As I entered a tightly engineered roundabout the car in front of me came to an abrupt stop causing the car behind me to very nearly rear end my car. At this point I’m thinking, Should I just park and call an Uber to take me home?”
4) I turned onto a familiar country road to take a shortcut home. A road construction crew had stopped oncoming traffic allowing cars in my lane to proceed. Unfortunately one southbound idiot decided he didn’t need to wait on cars going northbound and came right at me. I’ve now become something of an expert at avoiding crashes, so I find space to make room for the $&:(@?! and after honking and glaring at him I went on my less than merry way. Note: glares are as ineffective as middle fingers.
5) At this point I figured I had most certainly survived the gauntlet. Now that I was within three miles of Doright Manor surely nothing else could befall me. Then there was a cow. Now, I grew up in rural Texas where it wasn’t uncommon to see a lone cow or even a small herd of cattle on the road, but this was a first for me in Florida. I rounded a curve in the road and there she was, just waiting for me to kill both of us. I pressed on the brakes and stopped with at least two entire inches to spare.
6) I managed the rest of the drive without incident, and have decided to become a hermit. At least for a day or so. My guardian angel needs a rest.
Last week I took Gracie, our new cat, to visit the vet. The rescue organization we’d adopted her from had already given her the necessary vaccinations and even microchipped her. So this was just an introductory visit.
Sweet, crazy Gracie did not enjoy the experience, and I’m certain neither the vet or the vet tech did either. My cuddly, lovable cat went absolutely ballistic.
I came away with a bite. The vet sustained a couple of scratches. The vet tech cowered in a corner. It was not fun.
When we finally managed to get her pinned down, the vet looked her over and said she appeared healthy, but she noticed that Gracie’s back twitched, and she asked me about her toilet and grooming behaviors.
Now, Gracie takes her grooming seriously. Sometimes her grooming sessions take thirty minutes or more and she repeats the session many times a day. When she potties she takes up to ten minutes to cover up her waste, often returning to the box just to make sure she can neither see nor smell the poo or pee. She is fastidious.
She also scratches herself quite often. My first concern was fleas, but if she’d had any when she arrived in our home they’ve long been eradicated.
Apparently in some cats the condition can result in self-mutilation! Thankfully our Gracie doesn’t seem to be incapacitated by the syndrome, and ninety percent of the time she’s very laid-back. We’re trying some pheromone diffusers to calm her rather than resorting to any prescription medications that could have nasty side effects of their own.
Gracie is such a loving cat. In the mornings she hops into bed with me and makes a dramatic flop onto my chest as if to say, “I missed you, Mom!” She follows up with a great many kitty kisses and gentle pats to my face. She’s not going to let herself be defined by any old diagnosis.
If you aren’t squeamish when it comes to violence on the small screen. If your sense of humor skews to the offbeat. If you’ve finished watching a series on Netflix and aren’t quite sure what to watch next, then do I have a suggestion for you: “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs.”
Brought to us by the Coen Brothers of “No Country for Old Men” and “O Brother Where Art Thou” fame, “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs” is an anthology of six short films set in the post-Civil War west in the 19th century.
Each of the stories has the feel of an O. Henry story; albeit with a good deal more blood and guts involved. I guessed the ending of the sixth tale, but only because by that point I had a feel for the twisted nature of the project.
Some big name stars added their talents to the film, including Liam Neeson, James Franco, and Tom Waits, among others. One of my favorite actors of all time, Tyne Daly, has a role in the final tale.
If I had a single complaint about “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs,” it would be that it ran a bit long. Maybe six vignettes were one too many; however, if asked, I couldn’t possibly choose any one of them to be left out.
Again, this anthology isn’t for everyone, but if you’re willing to take a walk on the wild side, give it a try.