I’m All Right

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment in Tallahassee. It was the last in a series of appointments and procedures involving my cranky digestive system. Everything went well. While the doctors identified a couple of minor issues, basically I’m merely aging and falling apart piece by piece.

After paying an arm and a leg (heh) for the privilege of learning I’m old, I left the doctor’s office feeling poorer, but relieved. I’d prepared myself for bad news, hypochondriac that I am, and instead I just learned that my body is going through some changes.

Hmmm. Didn’t I hear the same thing back in sixth grade? Puberty was a piece of cake compared to this, though. Okay, so I didn’t like the pimples and period stuff, and the awkwardness and insecurities really stunk. Oh, and the growth spurt that propelled me to the top of my class’s height chart and kept me there through most of junior high and high school wasn’t much fun either.

On second thought, I wouldn’t trade my current issues for those I faced in puberty. To paraphrase one of my favorite movie quotes: “We don’t need no stinking training bras.”

Hooray for aging. Hooray for me.

https://youtu.be/rbQgaHZOFZ0

Peace, people.

Dr. On Demand

Under the category of “What Will They Think of Next?” comes the relatively new idea of online doctoring. Studly’s company’s insurance provider began pushing the service last year, but I was reluctant to take advantage of it. The whole thing just seemed like an oddity. I couldn’t quite fathom how a doctor could examine a patient via a Skype-type arrangement and prescribe treatments, and even medications, for an ailment, all without physically being in the same room.

Last evening though, as I struggled to breathe, as snot dripped relentlessly from my nose, and tears flowed freely from my eyes, Studly Doright insisted I access the site. I told him I already knew what they’d say: “Drink plenty of liquids, get lots of rest, take ibuprofen for your headache, use a humidifier and a Neti pot, blah, blah, blah.”

“I’m already doing that stuff. Plus,” I grimaced, “They’ll charge me for that information.”

Studly insisted, though, so I downloaded the app and made the call. After filling out the online paperwork, I found myself in a virtual waiting room to see the first available physician. My wait time was a little longer than ten minutes, but I didn’t have to wonder what new germs I was being exposed to as I reclined on my own sofa in the privacy of Doright Manor. I do need to acquire better magazines, though. Ours are boring.

When the doctor appeared on my phone I was pleased to see that they’d assigned me a woman. I probably could’ve requested a female, but didn’t think to do so when I initiated the visit. Dr. W exuded confidence and compassion, and got right down to business.

After going over my health history and asking about any medications I was taking, Dr. W asked me about my symptoms, then had me check to see if the glands in my throat were swollen. She had me evaluate the pain level in my sinuses.

And if you’re wondering, yes, she asked me to stick out my tongue and say “Ahhhhh!” while I pointed the phone’s camera at my throat. Apparently I wasn’t adept at this maneuver because after I fumbled about for several minutes in an attempt to expose the inner workings of my throat, she asked if there was someone else in the house who could aim the camera for me. Studly rose to the occasion, and played cameraman.

He saved the day again when the doctor had me take a blood pressure reading. Studly has a small sphygmomanometer with a cuff that wraps around one’s wrist. I was trying to put it in place while talking to the doctor, so he stepped in and made sure I did it correctly. Always the hero, my Studly.

After a few more questions the doctor gave me her recommendations: Drink plenty of liquids, get lots of rest, take ibuprofen for your headache, use a humidifier and a Neti pot, blah, blah, blah. Hmmm. Where had I heard that before?

I gave Studly an “I told you look,” but he wasn’t at all chastened.

“We needed to see if it worked,” he said. “Maybe next time you’ll have something more interesting, like a broken leg….”

That man. Remind me to keep an eye on him.

Peace, and good health, people.

Caffeine-free Me

On May 2nd of this year I came down with some malady that rendered me miserable. I awakened in the middle of the night with a fever and chills, and for four weeks I suffered from the kind of bloating, gas, and diarrhea I can only refer to as “Shock and Ewww!!!”

We still aren’t completely sure what was going on; although, the doctor I finally was able to see concurred with my self-diagnosis of diverticulitis. I’ve had a few tests done, and none of the them were conclusive. And now at the end of July, I’m still dealing with a few digestive issues. There’s nothing too awful going on, but to use a favorite euphemism, I always feel like I need to drop a kid off at the pool. 🤭

This illness hasn’t been all bad. I’ve radically changed my diet, doing away with caffeinated drinks and cutting way down on alcohol. Since May 2, I might’ve had three glasses of wine and a couple of beers. I’ve also cut out carbonated drinks and spicy foods. I do miss my Mexican foods and diet Dr. Peppers most of all. I’ve lost 14 lbs., and other than the above mentioned symptoms, I feel good. Being caffeine-free means I’m sleeping better and I have fewer headaches, too.

We aren’t totally through trying to get to the bottom of the problem. Once this summer is behind us, I’ll make an appointment with a gastroenterologist and see if he/she can make heads or tails of my situation. I count three puns in this paragraph. That might be a new record for me.

I didn’t create the meme pictured below. The lack of an apostrophe in “its” really bugs me, but the photo cracked me up.

When Things Change

We age, first in slow-motion, will we ever ride a bike, drive a car, kiss a guy, marry well, bear children?

Then in a blur of wrinkles and gray hair,
Burgeoning numbers of bad cholesterol
Measured in blood tests,

Weighed against stress tests, when we thought our testing days were done. The numbers now matter

More than did our percentages on history tests and English exams. We only thought those were matters of life and death.

Cooking for Studly: Lighten Up

For any of my readers who’ve wondered, I’m still cooking meals for Studly Doright. There were many years during our marriage when my culinary efforts were sporadic at best and non-existent, at worst. The truth is, I’m not very good in the kitchen. 

But Studly and I made a deal wherein I could retire from working in exchange for becoming his scullery maid, er, cook. For the most part, I’m enjoying my end of the bargain, and occasionally I even make a great meal.

Now a new issue has arisen in my cooking experiment–Studly and I are trying to be more health conscious. My first suggestion was a diet of all salads. That got vetoed pretty quickly, but you can’t blame a girl for trying. So I’m to figure out how to make things he likes in a healthier manner.

One of his favorite entrees is a dish I’ve made successfully since discovering it in a Beta Sigma Phi cookbook published in 1981. 

  
You can tell the book has seen its share of use, and I’d like to say I’ve tried every single recipe in it, but that would be a lie. 

Golden Beef Quiche is the only recipe I’ve succesfully produced from the cookbook, and I’d sincerely like to thank Ms. Judith Essenpreis of Centralia, Illinois, for submitting it to the cookbook committee back in the day. 
Studly loves this dish, even though he’s a real man and supposedly real men don’t eat quiche. It is one of the few dishes that he will eat as leftovers. I love it because it’s foolproof, and in the kitchen I am something of a fool.

Now that he’s decided to eat healthier I’ve been using extra lean ground beef, but I would also like to replace the cheddar cheese soup with something less processed. I simply do not know how to do that. If anyone reading this could give me a suggestion that would be lovely.

Sinusitis?

Achy, throbbing sinus cavities

Got you down?

Same here.

Well, suffer no more!

Now,

For a limited time only

You can have a

Head-ectomy.

I’ve booked mine and

It

Cannot

Come

Soon

Enough.

I’ll probably miss my head now and again, but

I won’t miss the headaches and congestion.

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