Shapewear Dilemma

Most women who require clothing larger than a size eight have at one time or another resorted to some form of shapewear to hold their jiggly bits together underneath their clothing. I’m not telling exactly what size I wear, but let’s just say I’ve had some interesting experiences with Spanx, their sister brand Assets, and even a few off brands. By now one would have thought I’d understand their limitations.

My daughter gave me a pretty ice blue sweater for Christmas. I wanted to wear it a couple of days ago, but realized that the loose weave of the sweater necessitated a little something underneath. My white camisole was in the laundry, so I looked through my shapewear to see what was available. Most of my shapewear stuff is meant for my rather generous hips and tummy, but I did find a beige tank top that would serve my needs.

With a great deal of wriggling and stretching, grunting and groaning, I finally got it pulled over my head and inched it down over my boobs. I pulled it taut across my tummy and tucked it into my jeans. My boobs now looked as if they’d been bound to ensure my future chastity, but when I pulled my sweater over the tank top the desired effect was achieved. I could now go safely into the world without exposing myself.

I had some errands to run in Tallahassee, but first I needed to eat. I ended up at Vale where I knew I could get a good vegan meal. While standing in line to order I felt an odd sensation. The tank top had somehow been freed from being tucked into my jeans and had begun creeping up until the bottom half of it was a 1/2″ roll snugged up beneath my bra.

I paid for my order, clutched my tray to my chest and found a table in a corner of the restaurant where I ate my lunch and read my book. After finishing I used the ladies’ room to once again secure my tank top inside my jeans.

Everything held together really well for the rest of the afternoon, but when I attempted to take the tank top off that evening I couldn’t get it to stretch over my boobs. When I tried to stretch the bodice area enough to ease the thing down over my hips, my fingers slipped and I ended up with a sprained thumb and a nicely purpling bruise on my belly. Bad words were said.

I ended up having to take a pair of scissors to the thing in order to remove it. Thank goodness it was an off brand! Have you seen the cost of Spanx?

Peace, people!

Snapshot #212

I own a couple of pairs of Spanx. They’re great for containing, smoothing, and camouflaging parts of my body that aren’t all that firm anymore, like my waistline and my abdomen. I don’t wear them often, reserving them for special occasions. It’s not that I don’t want to look svelte all the time, it’s just that I live in the Sunshine State where more layers equal more discomfort.

So when I saw these new offerings from Spanx in a Tallahassee department store I did a double take:

Am I supposed to wear these with my tank tops?

I think I’ll call this, I Know I Need Them, but No Thanks, Spanx.

Peace, people (and seriously, I should cease wearing tank tops!)

Thanks Spanx

My attention span’s grown shorter
With time’s relentless trudge.
Predictably, my waist has widened
As have my hips and stately bust.

With no hesitation have I turned
To undergarments stout and bold
For Spanx has kept my jigglies firm
While years have turned my assets old.