Tag: humor

A Knotty Ode and a Knotty Tongue Twister

Some silly poetry today. I’ve always enjoyed the whimsical poems of Ogden Nash, and attempted to channel him a bit in these two offerings:

“Ode to a Knot”
–by Leslie Noyes–

Perhaps invention of the wheel
Earns history’s highest spot,
Yet, I would argue heartily
In favor of the knot.

Kudos to the underdogs
Who ventured out of frame,
To find a better method
Of fastening everything.

Whosoever first declared,
“Look I’ve found a way
To hold my furs up comfortably
And make them firmly stay!”

And she who finally realized
Her stitches would best remain
When tidy knots were employed
At both ends of the same.

You may argue for the wheel
Or for microprocessing chips
As for me I’ll sing knots’ praise
As mankind’s greatest gift.

 

“The Knot’s Untying”
–by Leslie Noyes–

”Twas not the knot’s fault
For not holding taut.
The knotter was for naught,
And herself poorly taught.

Peppermint Scented Cat

Whiskers a foot long
Her black coat soft, tinged with gray
Smells of peppermint

My own bonny cat
Thirteen years to her credit
Smells of peppermint

Like a dowager
Awaiting a grandchild’s call
Smells of peppermint

Luxuriant pose
Paws stretch horizontally
Smells of peppermint

Scout, my feline fair
Lingered, languished within sheets
Smells of peppermint

I’ve been trying to ward off spiders by using peppermint essential oils mixed with water as a spray for our bedding. Scout, our older cat, has become something of a peppermint junkie. She lounges about on my bed all day, smells wonderful, and seems to be spider-free.

peace, people!

Spider Bait

“O what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” 

—Walter Scott

  

“Ouch, dammit! Stupid freaking spider!” 

—Me

“Spider Bait”

Spiders help or hurt

Depending on one’s point of view

Mine is somewhat jaundiced 

Having suffered bites of every hue.

Apparently my bedclothes

Harbor an arachnid

A sneaky little bastard

Who preys upon my bare shins.

Thoroughly I search the sheets

Looking for this menace

If he be wise he’ll run away

Or serve a fatal sentence.

  


Trial Separation

“Trial Separation”

Relax, Studly Doright and I aren’t splitting the sheets. Heck, after 40 years of marriage it would be a little ridiculous to call the whole thing off just when life is getting good. Of course, that’s not to say there aren’t days when I have to restrain myself from throwing him out a window. 

  
Studly outweighs me by about a hundred pounds, though, so he’s probably safe. Plus we live in a single story home, but don’t think I haven’t occasionally wondered what a good surprise shove might accomplish. (Note to self: delete this post in case of police inquiry.)

No, I’ve decided for the sake of my sanity to take a break from Facebook. This might not sound like a huge issue for most folks who check in once or twice a day to see what’s going on with their friends, but I have an addiction to this social network, spending as much as two hours a day scrolling through FB statuses on my phone.

I know that’s sad, but in my defense after so many cross country moves Facebook has become my best means of keeping in touch with family and friends. Lately, though, I feel such anger and disappointment that I’m not sure I want to keep in touch with anyone via Facebook. 

Of course my own sense of right and wrong is to blame here. Increasingly I have found it more difficult to ignore the racist comments and the outright lies being peddled as truths. Rather than call someone out as being a lying sack of shit, I’ve chosen to separate from them for a bit. How’s that for diplomacy?

Peace, people!

A Little Help, Please

I’m trying to come up with something for dinner that has no calories. 

  
Tempting, but Studly Doright doesn’t like to hear me (or anyone else) crunch their food.

How about settling for LOW calorie instead of NO calorie:

  
I wonder if the fruit slices and garnish are figured in the caloric total, because I’m certainly going to eat those, as well.

If I could find a way to ungain the weight I’ve repeatedly lost over the years I’d be the skinny woman I know lives somewhere inside me.

  
She’s a noisy broad. 

 

Craving Pizza

If pizza were a man, I’d have married it. 

Do you, Leslie, take this Pepperoni with onions and pineapple, for greasy or not, through thick and thin crust, with marinara or Alfredo, ’til high cholesterol do you part?

I do.

You may eat the groom.   

I saw a tshirt today that read, 

Can’t get out of bed.
Send help and pizza.
Or just send pizza.

Bravo. Bravo. Now if we could do something about those pesky calories.

  

Peace, people.

Shaved Legs

I shaved my legs this morning, just as I shaved them yesterday and the day before, as

Far back as fifth grade when an older boy looked at the soft brown hair highlighted against my pale

Skin and made a disparaging remark about my burgeoning femininity. His words inflicted

Shame on my body. Where before I’d felt they were a part of me, now my legs were alien

Enemies, beings that had sprouted unsightly fur seemingly overnight with no advance

Warning. As soon as school dismissed I hurried home and beseeched my mom for my own

Razor. Oh, you don’t want to start shaving, just yet, she said, Once started, you cannot stop.

Yet she gave in, instructing me in the depilatory arts. And damned if she wasn’t right.

  

Salsa School Dropout

Wednesday evening I had the rare choice of attending two events. One, an informational meeting about a women’s salsa group, had been on my calendar for weeks. The other, a movie night with a friend and her daughters, had come up on the spur of the moment.

Since I was really curious about the salsa group, I gave my regrets to my friend and headed to a dance studio in Tallahassee. I arrived just as an exercise class called “Twerk It!” was ending. A combination of hip hop and Zumba, the class looked like exhausting fun. 

Slowly the Twerk It! group left the building in groups of twos and threes and the salsa instructor appeared. She was an attractive, fit woman in her mid-30’s who quickly got into her spiel about the joys of Touch Salsa, a franchised program that can apparently be found worldwide.

As she spoke I became more excited. Not only did participants get to learn salsa routines, but they could participate in dance competitions as part of a larger group. And, they got to wear cute dance costumes. Count me in!

Now, the Facebook ad for this class indicated it was informational only, so I’d worn my flip flops. BIG mistake! I cannot emphasize this enough. 

The instructor had us line up behind her to learn a few basic steps. I was doing fine until I had to do a right turn. My flip flops stuck to the floor and guess who went sprawling? Yep, me.  

Undeterred I shook it off and got up in time to tackle a left turn. I knew better than to try to pivot this time, so I sort of hopped. It wasn’t pretty, but I stayed upright.

Finally our little group got through five basic steps. That’s when the instructor added in the arm movements. I’m fairly sure that had anyone been watching my gesticulations they would’ve felt compelled to notify emergency personnel.

I abandoned trying to follow the instructions and just did a variation of waving my hands in the air like I just didn’t care. The instructor gave me a look of pure, unadulterated disgust. Can you blame her? I’m sure she thought I wasn’t trying. But the sad truth is, I was trying really hard. 

So, I decided the Touch Salsa class wasn’t for me, and after paying my $5.00 I told the instructor I wouldn’t be participating. I might be imagining things, but I’m pretty sure she breathed a sigh of relief.

Now about that Twerk It! class? That might be right up my alley. Stay tuned.

http://youtu.be/WQGSWBkJW84
Peace, people!

Finally, A Group I Identify With

  
I’m not gay, bi, trans, or even curious, but I am an ally.

I’m not Black, but I wholly support Black Lives Matter.

I’m not an immigrant, but I am for fair treatment and compassion.

Not to diminish a single one of these, but I was beginning to feel I had no group. Now I do. 

  
Well, I’m also a feminist, so there’s that. 

Peace, people!