My thighs are plump,
As is my rump
My tummy, too
Has a fluffy bump
And if all that
Weren’t bad enough
My face is fat,
My cheeks look stuft.
The only parts
That still look thin
Are my narrow lips
And pointy chin.
Don’t look for me
In this year’s issue
Of Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition.

There’s a Pattern Here

I have a slight addiction to Pinterest. It’s the site I turn to when I need a clever illustration for my blog or a decorating idea. Lately I’ve been searching Pinterest for vintage sewing patterns.

Don’t ask me why. I can’t sew, and I don’t own a sewing machine. The one outfit I made in Mrs. Craig’s high school home economics class fell apart shortly after I modeled it in the class fashion show, and I haven’t made another attempt in over forty years. Yet, there’s something about these patterns that calls to me.

Apparently, I’m not the only one. Patterns similar to these sell for as much as $60 on EBay. 

Am I too old at 60 to learn how to sew? Maybe I could figure out how to use a 3D printer to create these styles. That’s equally plausible.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Is there something you google or search Pinterest or eBay for that you’ll probably never follow through on? 

Peace, people!

Back in the Swim

About a year ago I was into swimming every morning at one of the city of Tallahassee’s great pools. My chiropractor had suggested working out in a heated pool as a comfortable way to stretch my less than athletically fit body. The workout was fun and after a month of water exercise my back felt better than it had in ages.

Then one morning my car, along with several others, was broken into while I was swimming. After smashing my driver’s side window, the thieves took my favorite handbag–one I’d bought in Guatemala–along with my credit cards, some cash, my identification, and even my passport. I’d always heard victims of robbery say they’d felt violated, but I never understood the meaning until I was faced with the reality myself. 

I didn’t feel safe anymore. My nerves were shot and I was almost too jumpy to drive for awhile. Forget returning to the pool. It held too many scary thoughts. For one thing, there’s really not a great place to leave one’s handbag or cellphone at the pool. Yes, there are lockers, but one can’t put a lock on one. It didn’t feel safe to keep my valuables in a bag poolside, either. Anyone could walk by and snatch it while I swam.

A few days ago I got the idea that perhaps someone out there sold waterproof packs that one could wear during swimming. A simple search of Google and voilà! I have a pair of waterproof pouches.

Made by Blue Sky Basics, the packs have enough space for my oversized cell phone, keys, and a wallet with room to spare. I can even pack my Kindle paperwhite if I so desire. Waterproofing is accomplished with multiple redundancies, including triple ziplock seals. 

An extra long adjustable strap allows the user to wear the pack around the his/her waist while swimming. I can’t wait to try the packs out!

Here’s the friendly customer service email I received from Blue Sky Basics. I thought it was a nice touch.

“Hello Leslie, 

Thank you so much for your order! 

We’re really happy an awesome person like you will soon be using our Waterproof Pouch with Waist Strap 2-Pack to keep your phone and valuables safe and dry! 

When you do, please go ahead and test out your new waterproof pouches at home so you can set off on your next aquatic adventure with total peace of mind! Simple instructions are included in the packaging. 

We’ve got you covered with our 100% Lifetime Satisfaction Guarantee . If, for any reason, you are not delighted, you can easily let me know by replying to this email. 
We will be happy to replace it for you absolutely free or assist you with a refund if you prefer. That’s our promise to you. 
As a small family-run business, we’re big on customer service and truly want you to be happy with your purchase. 
Thanks again and happy adventures! 
Warmest regards, 
Chris Hoaldridge, Co-founder, Blue Sky Basics”

Here’s their contact information if you’re interested. I have no agreement with Blue Sky Basics, and will receive no compensation for my endorsement of their product. 

Peace, people!


Blasts from the Past

Any time I receive a package in the mail I get a little giddy, especially if the package isn’t expected. Double bonus giddiness if the return address indicates the package is from a good friend. Triple that giddy feeling when my friend, Flo, is the sender.

In the past, Flo has sent me hilarious cards and quirky books of poetry, so I couldn’t wait to open her newest correspondence. True to form, Flo shared some great stuff.

The card made me laugh out loud:

But the treasures behind the card are blasts from the past:

This brochure on food freezers didn’t have a copyright date, but I’d place it in the late 50’s to early 60’s. Look how happy the model appears displaying her frozen peas! 

On page 4 of the brochure there’s a tutorial on how to wrap foods for freezing. I have questions: What’s a stockinette, and how have I lived without one for all these years?

Oh! On the next page I found the definition:

This little book has some excellent charts for novice and experienced freezer users. And even as I giggle at the vintage photos and verbiage I know I’ll consult these charts in the future. 

Also in the package from Flo was this little gem from 1966:

Is she plotting to kill her lover with a quick spoon to the jugular? Is that jar a receptacle for the resulting blood? Did Marlo Thomas pose for this artwork?

Yes, you too can be envied and appreciated for your food preserving skills. Yes, you might even receive applause! 

Again, even as I’m giggling over these I’m seriously daydreaming about the applause and accolades.

Crowd of Admirers: Ooooh! Ahhh! Bravo! 

Me: (blushing): Honestly, it was nothing! I just whipped up thirty quarts of pickled beets and nine pints of cactus jelly while simultaneously juggling twins on both hips and swinging from a crystal chandelier so my hard working husband can concentrate on the manly chores I’m unqualified to perform. All while wearing a starched white apron over a chiffon gown with my dainty feet balanced on three-inch heels. 

Because, I’m a woman!
Thanks, Flo! 

Sophomore Year

In 1973 I was a sophomore at Floydada High School in Floydada, Texas. I know this because as I was cleaning out a closet today my yearbook from that year fell from one of the top shelves and landed on my big toe. I cursed. Loudly. Then of course I had to sit for awhile and thumb through this piece of vintage gold.

This is my class photo. I was a plain child and obviously something of a snob. Look at my disdainful expression:

“Let them eat cake!”

I was also thin enough that if I turned sideways all that was visible was my nose. Man, I loved that belt:

Cyrano de Bergerac with the coolest belt in the history of belts.

That’s me with a tenor sax in my hands. I could play passably well, but never could match the others in my section.
There’s that nose again. At least it made me a standout.
I think this one was taken of our Future Teachers of America group.
Not a bad photo of me. I learned early on that I didn’t have a good side.
I adore this one because it pictures most of my closest friends from high school.

Okay, I’m through resting my toe. Back to work.

Peace, people!