Snow Person Humor

Studly Doright and I live in the Florida panhandle where it seldom snows, and when it does we receive only a light dusting that disappears almost as soon as it hits the ground. We haven’t always lived here, though. For three years we lived in North Dakota, a place that sees more than its fair share of snow starting in October. And once the snow falls it’s there until early spring. So, while I love the thought of snow, I never want to live in a place that gets more than a few centimeters in a decade. I’m quite happy enjoying snow from afar.

Lately my Facebook feed has been inundated with snowman and woman humor. I figured that’s a good way to appreciate snow, right? All the cuteness without the cold.

Here are some of my favorites. Some of them really resonate.

Okay. I’ve had my fill of snow for the year. No fuss, no muss, and no shoveling.

Peace, People.

Cold Enough

Huddled under cardboard,

Old Annie shivers.

Surrounded by layers of rags and bags,

Scavenged bits hoarded against the cold,

Shoved into cracks, or

Worn as a layered mantle

No room open for her tonight

No place to warm her tired bones

They say it’s not cold enough.

Twelve degrees.

The winds howl,

Sweeping down these city streets

Stirring up ghosts of every December

Those souls who couldn’t be saved

No place to warm their bones

No room opened for them

Someone said it’s not cold enough.

A Lizardless Winter

We’ve been living at Doright Manor for four years now, and I believe this is the first winter we haven’t had a small lizard living in the mailbox. Every day I open the mailbox with anticipation and a bit of trepidation, and every day that there’s no lizard I feel a little let down, but also a bit relieved. Sometimes those guys scared the crap out of me.

The temperatures have been colder than usual this year, so I’m not sure if it’s simply too cold for the lizards or if they’ve moved to better digs. I can’t do a thing about the weather, but I can do something about the accommodations. Maybe I’ll redecorate the mailbox before next winter, put in a nice recliner and a rug.

Or perhaps I’ll knit a sweater and attach a note with care instructions.

It couldn’t hurt, right?

I do hope the lizards are somewhere safe and warm.

Peace, people.

Barely Bearing Up

I used to be a hardier person. At least that’s the story I tell myself. It’s become more difficult to believe, though, as I find myself whining about the less than balmy weather we’ve had in Tallahassee these past couple of weeks. Some days we barely climbed above 40°!

When Studly Doright, and I, along with our two kids, lived in North Dakota we went entire months without seeing temperatures above 30°F. I drove daily on icy roads, supervised playground duty in sub-zero weather with three feet of snow on the ground, and went about my business even with blustery winds gusting at fifty miles per hour. And those were the more temperate winter days! Somehow, we adapted.

Neither of us were accustomed to long term cold, having grown up in the panhandle of Texas. We knew brief periods of winter that often were replaced by spring-like weather, within a space of six hours. I can remember mornings that school was cancelled due to snow that found us playing outside sans coats by 3 pm.

I’m rambling, I know. It’s this darned cold weather to blame. I’m barely bearing up under these conditions. My feet have forgotten how to wear flip flops and will require remedial instruction once the temps begin to rise once more. That’ll most likely be next week. And, as God is my witness, we will rise again.

“Forget the Iguanas” Stew

Ladies and gentlemen it’s cold outside! Not so cold that I’m liable to get frostbite if I’m out for more than a few minutes, but cold enough that in some parts of the Sunshine State cold-stunned iguanas are falling from the trees. That I could possibly be walking along and have a lizard fall on my head almost makes me hope for hypothermia instead. Almost.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/frozen-iguanas-falling-from-trees-during-cold-snap-in-florida/

Can you imagine? The thought creeps me out.

I couldn’t stop thinking about falling iguanas, so I occupied my mind by chopping vegetables for a stew. Now all I had to worry about was losing a finger. I’m not all that good with knives.

Once the veggies were all chopped and the stew was simmering on the stove, wafting savory odors throughout Doright Manor, I once again found myself contemplating falling lizards. What to do? How about I type up the stew recipe for my readers?

“Forget the Iguana Stew”

1 lb. very lean ground beef, (I use 93% lean) browned and drained

3 C. potatoes, cubed

1 1/2 C. celery, chopped

1 C. onion, chopped

2 C. carrots, chopped

1 1/2 C. frozen peas (Studly prefers corn, so that’s what I used)

1 3/4 C. chunky style Italian tomato sauce or Italian style stewed tomatoes (I can’t always find the chunky style, so the stewed tomatoes work fine.)

1 C. tomato sauce

1 1/4 C. beef broth

Salt and pepper to taste

(I usually add a tomato sauce can of water–the recipe as it’s written doesn’t seem to have enough liquid.)

Cook for a couple of hours, while the potatoes soften and all the flavors mingle, and stir frequently. I cook it on medium heat and then switch to low once the veggies feel soft.

If you cook this in the crockpot, cook on low for 6-8 hours.

No iguanas were harmed in the making of this stew.

Peace, people

First Lizard of Winter

The title is a bit misleading since according to the calendar those of us residing in the northern hemisphere have been locked into winter since December 21-ish. Forget those pesky calendar designations. You know how robins are harbingers of spring? Then finding a lizard in my mailbox is the first sign the temps are going to drop in North Florida, and to me that is the truest indication that winter has arrived. 

Not nearly as pleasant as discovering the robins have returned, being surprised by a lizard hiding in the stacks of post-holiday bills and glossy junk mail is a certain cardiac stimulant and/or test for urinary continence. I am proud to say that I didn’t squeal or utter a four-letter word this afternoon when the little bastard jumped out at me; although, I might’ve peed a little.

Not my lizard, but close enough.

‘Round the Bend

Crazy is as crazy does, the will to live is stronger

Pour out the tea, pour up the rum, the nights are getting longer

Early darkness crowds around, the hour’s barely five

And we throw stones to prove for once that we’re all still alive.

I was made of sterner stuff when once I lived a southern life

But these winter days, cold north wind haze, cut me like a jagged knife.

Build up the fire for pity’s sake, and turn on all the lights

My sanity is near an end and I’m all out of fight.

Convertible Weather

I. My man and I

Out for a 

Cruise in the

Sunshine with the

Top down and the

Radio blasting our

Favorite tunes.

Damn, these

Florida

Winters are

Brutal.



II. Late winter sunshine

Indulging my contentment

Basking feels so right.



III. Snow where is thy sting?

My northern brethren know well

I revel in warmth.



Peace, people!

Surviving the Winter in Tallahassee 

Nineteen days ’til spring.
Someone please tell the flowers
They have bloomed too soon

Four hundred plus hours
Winter’s hand stays in command
Do calendars lie?

We suffered our share
Of thirty degree days, at
Least three by my count.

Today though, sun reigns
Warding off the brisk chill of
Florida’s winter.

And those who survived
Are made stronger still by that
Which has not killed us.

A little sarcasm on this Tuesday. Forgive me for basking in this beautiful day.

Peace, people!