Tag: humor

Love-less Poem

April is National Poetry Writing Month, and today’s task called for me to write a love poem without using the word “love” or employing any of the phrases associated with love poems. 

His butt looks kind of perfect

Wrapped in that turquoise 

 Towel.

I mean it’s not a work of

Art or anything, but it’s the

Part of him I watch when

He leaves our bed to

Shower.

His eyes could be a deeper

Shade of green, 

I suppose,

Though I doubt they could

Twinkle any more than they

Already do.

He never brings me

Breakfast in bed, and

Seldom sends me

Flowers.

I should probably

Divorce him over those

Lapses, but he cries at

Sappy movies, and

Would probably 

Cry if I left.

I know I would if the

Situation were

Reversed. 

 

Threesome

When one has too much time on one’s hands one might indulge in too much reality TV. Thus was the case as I was scrolling through the channels and came across a program called “True Life: I Want a Threesome.”

Sleazy stuff, but who am I to judge? I mean I’ve seen some pretty cool threesomes in my life:

  

Nothing beats a purrfect threesome!

  

Except maybe a colorful one.

  Doggone it! Another threesome!

 

And then there’s the threesome to end all threesomes.

Who needs reality TV? (All photos found on Pinterest.)

Peace, People!

High Brow

I’ve just come from having my eyebrows threaded, and now my eyebrows look like a couple of poorly plucked chickens. I had asked the eyebrow technician (for lack of a better term) to take off “just a little” which she took to mean, “remove most of this woman’s eyebrows and just leave a few paltry hairs behind.”

 No these are not my brows, but the “before” photo comes close!

I really should know better. 99.8% of the time beautification procedures go off without a hitch. But when I have a big trip or event looming all bets are off. 

Once before a big date weekend in Indianapolis the brow tech burned my brows with hot wax. For weeks I peeled skin off of my forehead.

Just prior to a formal dress Christmas party with Studly’s co-workers I was having my brows waxed at the salon I’d always depended on when I heard the brow tech say, “oops!” Trust me, that’s not a good omen. The good news was she didn’t charge me. The bad news was one brow had been decimated. I wore a cleavage baring dress that night and hardly anyone looked aghast at my eyebrow.

You’d think I’d be the master of the eyebrow pencil by now, but sadly I’m pretty clumsy. I did sit at a makeup counter this afternoon while a beautifully made up college girl penciled in some killer brows for me. I even bought the pencil and a tiny brush. I asked her, in my saddest voice if she thought my brows might grow back by Wednesday when I leave for Guatemala. In response she patted my shoulder and said, “There, there. They aren’t THAT bad.”

In my next life, I plan on being a spoiled house cat. They’re always immaculately groomed and have perfect eyebrows.

Peace, people.

Poetry Month

April showers bring…

Poetry!

Every day, until the

First of May. 

May my future 

Endeavors achieve

Much higher

Levels of artistic

Value than the

One you are

Reading now.

Setting the bar pretty low. 😉

  

Dental Visit

Open wide, don’t flinch

Now you’ll feel a little pinch

Then only numbness.

You call that a pinch?

Sonofabitch I’m wounded

Grievously woonthed.

Thit, now my tongue ith athleep.

Thit, thit, thit, thit, thit.

Here’s one of my all-time favorite episodes of the Carol Burnett show. 

http://youtu.be/1CSJw96SAeM

apology

Have you seen this post?  

It reminded me of a time several years ago that Studly and I had to deal with a couple of rude and obnoxious teenaged girls at a movie theatre in Champaign, Illinois. There was no apology forthcoming then, but I hope the annoying little sh*ts have seen the Facebook post above and are now old enough to feel at least a twinge of guilt for their behavior.

Studly and I had moved seats once during the opening credits to escape these girls who were chatting noisily and texting a couple of rows back. Apparently, that made us attractive targets because they soon moved directly behind us. 

Soon, one propped her foot up on the back of my seat. I turned around and she removed it only to begin kicking it repeatedly. Studly, my hero, turned around then and told them he was going to talk to the manager. They left, but during the climax of the film returned and again used my chair as a foot rest. 

Without saying a word, Studly and I got up and instead of leaving, sat down beside the little twits. They were flummoxed and didn’t move an eyelash for the final five minutes of the film.

As soon as the credits began Studly and I went to the lobby. On our way out we passed the two girls who were telling the manager about a “creepy old man and woman” who’d sat by them in the movie. Of course we set the record straight. I’m neither old, nor creepy.

Peace, people.

 

Changing of the Purse

Seasons change

Clothes lighten up

Blacks and browns

Turn coral and lemon

Toes peek out of shoes

Nails painted prettily

Legs smoothed

Exfoliated.

When the task can no 

Longer be ignored a

Shift is made from

Old to new handbag.

Grimly the former is 

Held upside down, 

Its contents laid bare 

Upon a quilt:

Six quarters, two nickles, 

One dime, and many

Pennies.

Individually wrapped 

Toothpicks and breath mints,

A bottle of Advil and a 

Tube of hand cream.

Keys on a jingly ring and two

Tubes of lip balm.

Plus a wad of paper receipts.

Into the new bag go the

Necessary items. But at 

One time, everything felt

Necessary.

  

Patience, Grasshopper

Softly tapping foot

Should signal my impatience

Yet here I still wait.

Drumming fingers, too provide

A clue I’m restless.

However no relief comes.

Waiting still. Patience.

  

Grasshopper, you sneak

Gobbling up every leaf

Destroying gardens

But you, too must eat to live

Just dine elsewhere, please.

Cat-a-licious

i am cat

fear me

worship me

rub my tummy



Cat in charge

Look at me, oh human

And despair

For I am feline.



My senses are heightened

My claws sharpened

My meows on key.

Resistance is futile.



Peace, people!