humor – Page 179 – Praying for Eyebrowz

Timberrrrr! Again

I fell this morning.
On my way to fetch
Clean water for the cats
I spilt a few drops, slipped,
Went splat!

The slow-mo footage did not
Play this time.
The fall was fast and furious
Like a Hollywood film,
Only less sexy.

Water puddled ’round me
Subjugating me to its wishes.
Literally, I had fallen and
Could not get up.
Somewhat feebly I called “help!”

The cats scattered, ostensibly
For first aid.
I sat cataloging my injuries
Thanking God that I
Still bounce a bit.

I scooted on my derrière
Until I reached the rug.
Managed to grasp the
Counter and pull myself
Up. Slowly.

Surrounded by water
No towels in reach
I moved inch by inch
Using the rug as my
Conveyance.

Now my elbow hurts
Like a son of a gun
From clipping the counter
On my way down
Down, down.

Somehow I managed to
Ping pong between the
Kitchen island and the
Cabinets, bruising both
Hips symmetrically.

My lower back, my
Ass and shoulders
Protest the insults
Heaped upon them
Once again.

And Studly, when he returned
Could not resist
Lecturing me on my
Lack of awareness.
Asshat.

Job Hunting

Let me preface this piece by saying I really like what I’m doing–working with second graders is so much fun. Now, that’s out of the way: I NEED to find a different job.

When I went to work for my current employer it was with the understanding that it would be a part time position, and technically, it is. I actually work only three hours each day; however, those three hours are 8:30-9:30, 12:30-1:30, and 3:00-4:00. Do you see the problem? My part time job takes up my entire day!

I’m ready to find another part time position even though looking for a job is one of the most stressful things I can imagine. Dusting off the old resume, remembering names of folks who are willing to vouch for me, actually making eye contact with new people. Aargh!

I’m open to suggestions. Studly says I should do something fun, but when I hinted that I’d like to volunteer at the animal shelter he gave me a really stern look and told me, “no more pets!”

Craig’s List had a few interesting listings, but I don’t think I’m qualified to be a surgeon or a used car salesman. Or an exotic dancer.

Anyone out there looking to hire a slightly demented former teacher with decent typing skills? Serious inquiries only. 😉

Thanks Ms. Taylor! That’s good advice

Peace, People!

Eighty-seven Views Needed

Can she do it????

This spider and this kangaroo say, “not bloody likely!”

Only 93 Views Short of My Best Month

Why do the stats on my WordPress page fascinate me so? I’m not a competitive person, but as my day and month draws near to a close I find myself 93 guess short of making this my best month ever.

That’s me. It feels impossible, but I can at least try! C’mon people. View me!!!

New Year’s Eve for Old Folks

At my chiropractor’s office this morning the young assistant excitedly asked, “So what are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”

“Oh nothing,” I said. “My husband and I will probably stay in, watch a movie, maybe drink a toast at midnight, if we even make it up that long.”

“How awful!” she said. “That sounds so sad.”

“Actually,” I told her, “A quiet evening sounds like tons of fun to me.”

She gave me a pat on my hand as if to say, “you poor old lady.”

Not too many years ago I’d have had the same reaction. After all, isn’t New Year’s Eve tailor-made for partying? When did that change?

Was it during the years when our children were young and we knew that the sleep we missed on New Year’s Eve would not easily be recouped?

Did it change those years when Studly was working shift work, and we spent the big night in separate locations?

Or did it happen when we realized how bad we felt after a big night of partying, and how long that feeling lingered?

Chances are it was an accumulation of causes. At any rate, one would have to drag me out of my home screaming and kicking on New Year’s Eve.

Unless there’s dancing. I’m always up for dancing!

Cat Nap

I sat down to read a good book this afternoon. First Scout joined me and insisted I put down the book so she could lay on my chest. She might have been a scarf in a past life:

Then Patches climbed into my lap. She is much more subtle in her approach, and had to wait until her sister settled down before claiming a spot:

So both cats are now sleeping soundly. Meanwhile, I’m wide awake, covered in cat hair and perspiration. I can’t move without disturbing either cat, so I’m trapped. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
Here’s to cats! May their love and warmth surround and comfort you. I need to sneeze!

Drive Time

Studly and I are en route from Tallahassee to Nashville to meet up with our kids and their families for Christmas. For grins we decided to rent a car for the trip. It’s a GMC Terrain with all the bells and whistles including a nice feature called “lane assist.”

At first, Studly found lane assist mildly amusing. When one drifts from one’s lane, lane assist sounds an alarm urging the driver to pay attention to his location between the dotted lines.

After the “Beep! Beep! Beep!” sounded for the fifth time within our first 10 miles, Studly was giving it a piece of his mind. “Stupid car! I’m in the lane! What’s wrong with this stupid thing?”

By the time we made our first pit stop, Studly was poring over the owner’s manual to see if he could disable lane assist. I told him not to worry–at the rate he was going the damned beeper would wear out in no time at all.

Side note–we are enjoying the Terrain. It has a nice solid ride, comfy seats and a snazzy interior. And, Studly is staying in his lane.

Silver Alert

Electronic highway signs in Florida often flash the message “Silver Alert” followed by the color, make, and license plate information of a car being driven by a lost and/or confused elderly person. Today the message said,

Silver Alert
’94 Bronze LeSabre
FL Lic. #A98LMG

Of course every time I spot one of these alerts I begin scanning the traffic around me. And today I thought how great it was that the confused person was driving a bronze car. White, black, silver, and even red are too common; whereas, bronze would perhaps catch the eye of someone looking for this wandering senior.

My next thought, logically enough, was why don’t we create car colors especially for senior citizens? Once one hits the age of 60 (that’s me in less than two years) one’s car gets a colorful makeover for a nominal fee.

How about this one?:

Or this little number?:

Personally, I think I’ll go for the rainbow motif. Try to ignore me in this baby:

Weekend To-Do List

My weekends are so stressful.

Sleep in (way past eight)

Snuggle with cats (won’t that be great?)

Feed cats (tuna flavored treats)

Shower (scrub my feets)

Eat (the most important meal)

Do Laundry (regardless of how I feel)

Drive (to the nearest town)

Shop (time to lose that frown)

Eat (wherever I want)

Nap (wait! I forgot to drive home!)

Movie (am I still asleep?)

Eat (I’m so confused)

Feed cats (again?)

Read (did I ever undress?)

Sleep (finally.)

Repeat (with less stress)

Sinusitis?

Achy, throbbing sinus cavities

Got you down?

Same here.

Well, suffer no more!

Now,

For a limited time only

You can have a

Head-ectomy.

I’ve booked mine and

Cannot

Come

Soon

Enough.

I’ll probably miss my head now and again, but

I won’t miss the headaches and congestion.

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