Threesome

When one has too much time on one’s hands one might indulge in too much reality TV. Thus was the case as I was scrolling through the channels and came across a program called “True Life: I Want a Threesome.”

Sleazy stuff, but who am I to judge? I mean I’ve seen some pretty cool threesomes in my life:

  

Nothing beats a purrfect threesome!

  

Except maybe a colorful one.

  Doggone it! Another threesome!

 

And then there’s the threesome to end all threesomes.

Who needs reality TV? (All photos found on Pinterest.)

Peace, People!

High Brow

I’ve just come from having my eyebrows threaded, and now my eyebrows look like a couple of poorly plucked chickens. I had asked the eyebrow technician (for lack of a better term) to take off “just a little” which she took to mean, “remove most of this woman’s eyebrows and just leave a few paltry hairs behind.”

 No these are not my brows, but the “before” photo comes close!

I really should know better. 99.8% of the time beautification procedures go off without a hitch. But when I have a big trip or event looming all bets are off. 

Once before a big date weekend in Indianapolis the brow tech burned my brows with hot wax. For weeks I peeled skin off of my forehead.

Just prior to a formal dress Christmas party with Studly’s co-workers I was having my brows waxed at the salon I’d always depended on when I heard the brow tech say, “oops!” Trust me, that’s not a good omen. The good news was she didn’t charge me. The bad news was one brow had been decimated. I wore a cleavage baring dress that night and hardly anyone looked aghast at my eyebrow.

You’d think I’d be the master of the eyebrow pencil by now, but sadly I’m pretty clumsy. I did sit at a makeup counter this afternoon while a beautifully made up college girl penciled in some killer brows for me. I even bought the pencil and a tiny brush. I asked her, in my saddest voice if she thought my brows might grow back by Wednesday when I leave for Guatemala. In response she patted my shoulder and said, “There, there. They aren’t THAT bad.”

In my next life, I plan on being a spoiled house cat. They’re always immaculately groomed and have perfect eyebrows.

Peace, people.

Lazy

L is for Lackadaisical 

A is for Apathetic 

Z is for Zoned out

Y is for Yawning

In retrospect, I should have titled this piece “Cat.”  

Let sleeping cats lie

Lazily in sun’s warm rays

Purring soon follows.

 

Cat looking sleepy

Lulled into hypnotic state

Do not be deceived!

If I Were a Cat

If I were a cat

I’d be badass

I’d claim a spot in the

Sun and I’d give it up for

No one.

If I were a cat

I’d attack anything

That moved like

My sister’s tail or the 

Shadow teasing me on the

Wall or the admittedly fake 

Mouse on a string.

If I were a cat I’d run lickety split

From room to room and

Then turn and run back the

Way I’d come. 

I’d hop sideways just 

Because I can.

I’d find the highest point in the

Room and make it mine.

If I were a cat I would

Meow pitifully in the

Dead of the night until

My people become 

Concerned and come to

My aid.

If I were a cat.













Slow Day

Turtles move more
Quickly than
Days like this one
Sloths have more speed
Almost guaranteed.
Trees grow much more
Rapidly
It would seem
Than hours pass when
My man is gone.

There are only so
Many hours that
One can go to
Movies or
Watch tv or
Play Trivia Crack and
Words With Friends
Before one begins
Conversing with
Cats meaningfully, And they begin talking back.





Cat-a-licious

i am cat

fear me

worship me

rub my tummy



Cat in charge

Look at me, oh human

And despair

For I am feline.



My senses are heightened

My claws sharpened

My meows on key.

Resistance is futile.



Peace, people!

Diamonds and Cats

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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then
why do I prefer the presence of a cat?

Maybe because diamonds do not purr when scratched behind their ears. They don’t stretch when waking from a long nap in a sun-filled corner.

Diamonds do not pounce on one’s chest first thing on a Sunday morning, nor do they paw gently at one’s nose as a way of saying, “get up lazy human and feed me!”

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, then why haven’t they learned to keep me warm by crawling into my lap and slowly circling one, two, three times before settling into a cozy ball of fluff?

Diamonds cannot possibly be a girl’s best friend since they have yet to learn how best to chase a stuffed mouse or to bat around a ball of yarn.

Diamonds are amazingly incompetent at leaping on top of the refrigerator or at meowing for treats. Diamonds are totally unable to arch their backs or to leave cat hair on a favorite pair of black pants.

Diamonds have their place, I suppose, but I’d much rather have a cat.

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Cat Haiku

Little cat nestles
Twitching gently, deeply sleeps
Cannot bear to disturb her.

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Continue reading “Cat Haiku”

Timberrrrr! Again

I fell this morning.
On my way to fetch
Clean water for the cats
I spilt a few drops, slipped,
Went splat!

The slow-mo footage did not
Play this time.
The fall was fast and furious
Like a Hollywood film,
Only less sexy.

Water puddled ’round me
Subjugating me to its wishes.
Literally, I had fallen and
Could not get up.
Somewhat feebly I called “help!”

The cats scattered, ostensibly
For first aid.
I sat cataloging my injuries
Thanking God that I
Still bounce a bit.

I scooted on my derrière
Until I reached the rug.
Managed to grasp the
Counter and pull myself
Up. Slowly.

Surrounded by water
No towels in reach
I moved inch by inch
Using the rug as my
Conveyance.

Now my elbow hurts
Like a son of a gun
From clipping the counter
On my way down
Down, down.

Somehow I managed to
Ping pong between the
Kitchen island and the
Cabinets, bruising both
Hips symmetrically.

My lower back, my
Ass and shoulders
Protest the insults
Heaped upon them
Once again.

And Studly, when he returned
Could not resist
Lecturing me on my
Lack of awareness.
Asshat.

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