Category: Movie

Mr. Tarentino, I’m Ready for my Closeup.

 I was blaming the holidays and a weekend visit with friends from Indiana for my sudden and startling gain of ten pounds. Long gone, it seems, are the days when I could inhale an entire pepperoni pizza and not gain a tenth of a pound. Nowadays if I even look too longingly at a Cinnabon sign I find myself in need of a new pant size.

Then I saw this meme on Facebook:

  
And I knew what a much better story it would make.

(Ring, ring!)

Quentin Tarentino: Talk to me.

Me: Mr. Tarantino?

QT: Yes? 

Me: Hey! This is Leslie. Leslie Noyes? You know the kind of hefty, middle aged female lead for your next film, The Overweight Eight?

QT: I’m sorry. There must be some misunderstanding. We just released a film with a similar title, but….

Me: I was really counting on this role, and I’ve already gained the weight. Are you sure…? I can be at the studio tomorrow. Samuel L. Jackson is going to love me!

QT: Look lady. I’m sure you’re a real groovy chick, but I don’t know you. Never call me again, or I’ll have you arrested. (Click!)

I guess I wasted all that money on my SAG card, too.

Peace, people!

The Force Continues to Awaken

Studly Doright has yet to see Star Wars Episode VII. As I explained to friends it’s been a special kind of hell to be unable to discuss the film with him. I’ve come so close to accidentally providing spoilers just because I NEED to think about it out loud. The cats are, quite frankly, sick of hearing about the film, and their opinions are weak at best.
But this morning I received the following text from my Studly:

  
You can tell by my response that I’m stoked. My baby is taking off work early, on his busiest day of the week, to see this movie with me. I call that true love.

Peace, people!

Praying for Eyebrowz Copyright 2015 by Leslie Noyes.

The Force Awakened, But I Forgot To

If one placed Star Wars geeks on a numbered continuum with ZERO being anyone who’d never seen the films and didn’t particularly care to and TEN being someone who began spasming five years  ago when the newest sequel was announced and hasn’t had a particularly sane moment since, I’d fall somewhere around an EIGHT. 

You need proof? One portion of our bedroom is something of a shrine to Star Wars. I have action figures of Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and Han Solo, a large Yoda hand puppet, and a bank featuring a beeping R2D2 and talking C3PO. I have characters from the extended universe, numerous Star Wars themed mugs, tshirts, and books. My television remote is a light saber. I’ve seen Episodes IV, V, and VI hundreds of times each and can quote the dialogue verbatim. Yes, I’m a bonafide fan.

I remember the delicious thrill I got when I first heard the news of a new Star Wars film in the making. I might have squealed. Ok, I’m sure I squealed. Studly Doright thought I was a trying to pass a kidney stone. Good thing he didn’t go into medicine.

It felt as if those five years would never pass, but thanks to the Disney machine and Facebook there were plenty of hints and tidbits to feed those of us hungry for any link to the future release, and all of a sudden the day is here!!! Star Wars Episode VII The Force Awakens has arrived.

I played it cool. After all there was absolutely no reason for me to see the movie at midnight. I’d set my alarm and be in line for the 9 a.m. showing on Friday. 

My excitement last night was intense. Instead of singing Christmas carols I was humming theme music from the films. The coffee maker was set to make a nice pot of caffeine to help me wake up. My clothing for the event was laid out. And I overslept. 

After my initial, “Oh Crap!” moment I showered, skipped the coffee, threw on my clothes, and rushed to the theater only to find the line snaked around the mall. Crap. So I stood in another line and purchased tickets to the 11 a.m. showing that had decent reserved seats remaining. It won’t be IMAX 3D, but hey, I didn’t see episode IV in 3D. So I guess I’m going old school on this one. When Studly’s ready to see the film in a couple of weeks I’ll insist on 3D, but for now I just need to see this film.

As I’m typing this it is 9:49 local (Central) time. In a little more than an hour I will gladly enter a galaxy far, far away. So I had a slight malfunction. Han will make it better.  “Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you.” (Winces.) “Uh, how are you?”–Han Solo, Episode IV, A New Hope.

  

Peace, people!


Slay Bells: Sort of a Review of Krampus

I saw Krampus last weekend. (Cue evil laugh.)

  
What a fun, frightening, good old-fashioned horror film! 

The cast, led by Toni Collette and Adam Scott, is perfect in this holiday from hell. Their family’s upscale Christmas celebration is first darkened by the arrival of the perpetually down on their luck relatives who are more than just a little reminiscent of Randy Quaid and Miriam Flynn’s characters in Christmas Vacation. But obnoxious relatives become the least of this family’s worries.

Remember in Christmas Vacation the chaos that ensued when in lieu of a hefty Christmas bonus Clark Griswold received a crappy fruitcake from his clueless boss? The family in Krampus would have welcomed the fruitcake. Instead, they receive a visit from Santa’s “shadow” after their young son’s Christmas wish goes horribly wrong. Or perhaps horribly right. Perspective is everything.

I haven’t enjoyed a horror film this much in years. The slasher films leave me cold–all blood and guts with no real story. Krampus has some of the blood and a few of the guts, a heap of great suspenseful moments, what with a blackout blizzard and evil creatures hiding in dark, swirly places, and a bit of a story. Maybe there’s a moral tucked in there, as well. “Be careful child, for what you wish.”

  
Peace, people!

Me, the Critic

I’m a frequent moviegoer. Perhaps with the right education I might’ve become a movie critic. Instead, I just see as many different movies as I can and place them into one of three columns:

  1. Movies that stink
  2. Movies that don’t stink
  3. Movies I love and will pay to see again and again.

Column #2 boasts the largest number of films. I’m fairly forgiving, and if I can find anything amusing or endearing about a movie it earns a “Movies that don’t stink” berth. 

Honestly, not too many movies get a spot in column #1. Occasionally I’ll come across something that has no redeeming qualities such as Eyes Wide Shut which tolled the death knell for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s marriage and might’ve been ok if it had been even slightly arousing. 

  
I saw it after having imbibed one too many alcoholic beverages, and ended up giggling throughout the film. It was only much later that I realized it wasn’t a comedy. Oops! Definitely a column #1 kind of film.

Similarly, column #3 is fairly small. Episodes IV, V, and VI of the Star Wars saga are founding members (episode I narrowly missed being placed in column #2) along with the three original Indiana Jones movies. 

 

A man who deserves his own category.
 
On Wednesday I saw the latest installment in the James Bond franchise, Spectre. Good heavens, Daniel Craig is the bomb. Even if the movie stunk, which it doesn’t, I’d put it in column #2. Talk about redeeming qualities! Whew! And, if I can’t stop thinking about those qualities, Spectre might just get moved into column #3.

  
Peace, people!

Dipstick and a Movie

I went by myself to watch the new James Bond movie today. Our newly renovated theater is cushy, featuring oversized reclining seats and assigned seating. Since I decided on a whim to see the movie my seat choices were limited. There were a couple of seats way up front and one near the top. Of course I selected the one furthest from the screen and settled in to watch the endless procession of trailers.

My seat was at the end of an aisle next to a man and his pre-teen children. Not long after I took my seat I realized the man was looking at me. I gave him a brief nod and a smile and put my attention back on the screen. 

Through the movie he’d periodically make a comment intended for me to hear. Once he told me he’d driven in Rome. Another time he told me Daniel Craig’s suit was too tight (as if THAT could happen, duh!)  I’d nod or say, “hmm,” hoping he’d get the message. But during a lull in the action the man leaned into my personal space and asked, “So what’s a pretty lady like you doing all by yourself at the movies?”

The creep-o-meter spiked past ten on the dial. I couldn’t get my seat back into the unreclined position quickly enough, so I simply scootched to the edge and left. At first I intended to pretend I was going to the bathroom, but then I thought, “screw it” and found an unclaimed seat in the front of the theater. 

I left as soon as the credits began rolling and made a beeline for the car. Disgusted with myself for letting some random stranger get to me I sat and wondered if I’d overreacted. Maybe I’ve watched too many Criminal Minds episodes….

Peace, people!

Dipstick and a Movie

I went by myself to watch the new James Bond movie today. Our newly renovated theater is cushy, featuring oversized reclining seats and assigned seating. Since I decided on a whim to see the movie my seat choices were limited. There were a couple of seats way up front and one near the top. Of course I selected the one furthest from the screen and settled in to watch the endless procession of trailers.

  
My seat was at the end of an aisle next to a man and his pre-teen children. Not long after I took my seat I realized the man was looking at me. I gave him a brief nod and a smile and put my attention back on the screen. 

 

Too bad creeps don’t dress the part.
 
Through the movie he’d periodically make a comment intended for me to hear. Once he told me he’d driven in Rome. Another time he told me Daniel Craig’s suit was too tight (as if THAT could happen, duh!)  I’d nod or say, “hmm,” hoping he’d get the message. But during a lull in the action the man leaned into my personal space and asked, “So what’s a pretty lady like you doing all by yourself at the movies?”

The creep-o-meter spiked past ten on the dial. I couldn’t get my seat back into the unreclined position quickly enough, so I simply scootched to the edge and left. At first I intended to pretend I was going to the bathroom, but then I thought, “screw it” and found an unclaimed seat in the front of the theater. 

I left as soon as the credits began rolling and made a beeline for the car. Disgusted with myself for letting some random stranger get to me I sat and wondered if I’d overreacted. Maybe I’ve watched too many Criminal Minds episodes….

Peace, people!

McFarland, USA: A Belated Almost Review

Coach Jim White, played by Kevin Costner, is a down on his luck football coach who finds himself at the end of the proverbial rope in McFarland, California, after losing his cool in a half time locker room incident at a school in Oregon.

McFarland is an agricultural community with a mostly Latino population. Students at the  school Coach White teaches at begin their days picking lettuce and other crops at 5:30 a.m. before going to school and then end their days picking more before going home. And they run to and from every location.

Soon after arriving in McFarland with his wife and two daughters Coach White finds himself at odds with the head football coach and has to find other ways to augment his teaching salary. That way ends up being coaching cross country, a sport dominated by well-to-do schools.

I put off seeing this film because it seemed fairly predictable: Anglo coach finds himself embroiled in culture shock, but rises to the occasion lifting the Latino boys on his team along the way. Nailed it. But the story had so much heart, and I’m a sucker for heart. The youngsters who play the young athletes are endearing and likeable, and fun to root for. 

McFarland, USA, is well worth the time, especially if there’s a kid in your life that might benefit from some good motivation. The viewers at Doright Manor highly endorse it.

  
Watch it!

Peace, people!

Inside Out (Sort of a Review)

Wednesday is Studly’s night to play in the men’s golf league at Southwood in Tallahassee.  One might think that playing both Saturday and Sunday morning would satisfy his golf addiction, but one would be wrong. 

I don’t mind this Wednesday ritual, though. For one thing I don’t have to cook a meal on Wednesday nights, but more importantly I am free to do just about anything my heart desires on Wednesdays. As long as I’m home by 8:30 p.m. After that I revert to a pumpkin I think. I’ve never tested the theory, but it could happen.

Some Wednesdays I head to the beach. It’s a great day for that because apparently tourists believe the beach to be closed mid-week. Please don’t tell them otherwise. 
Other times I see a movie that I’m positive Studly Doright would rather die than see, such as Magic Mike XXL. I saw that last week. Ok story; great nearly naked men. I should have waited to see it on tv.

This afternoon I watched Inside Out, the new Disney/Pixar offering. Of course the theater was full of moms and grandmothers each with one or more kids in tow. My first thought was, “Crap. Darn kids are going to be fussing, and crying, and raising Cain all through this movie.” And it started off a bit slowly–typical Disney. But then it sucked me and all the other little darlings in. 

The children in the audience ranged in age from two to fifteen and they were spellbound. The younger ones were captivated by the colorful emotional characters: Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger, who live inside the control center of a little girl named Riley. I’d worried that they’d be uninterested in the storyline, but the action was enough to keep them in the game.

After explaining a little about Riley’s core memories, Riley’s emotions are set to enjoy smooth sailing. Then Riley turns 11. That in itself would have brought about changes, but to add insult to injury her family moves across the country from Minnesota to San Francisco and a series of unfortunate events throw her emotions into chaos. To fix the emotional train wreck, Riley’s emotions have to work together in new ways. 

This is a great movie. Go see it by yourself if you have to, but go see it. If there’s a pre-teen in your life make sure they see it, preferably with you or someone that cares about them. There are some emotional moments, given the characters ARE emotions, but there are some excellent conversations just waiting to happen once the lights come up. I heard the beginnings of a few as I lingered during the closing credits.

I’m hoping for a sequel. After all, Riley’s new control panel has a big red button with PUBERTY stamped on it. 

 

Peace, people!

I Feel Pretty

I have a confession to make. I’ve never watched West Side Story in its entirety. I have; however, watched this scene more times than I can count. 

http://youtu.be/L7BQRGXFLJs
Natalie Wood was the prettiest girl ever, and I really wanted to feel as pretty as she actually was. Over the years I’ve felt pretty on a couple of occasions. It’s hard work, and I’m just not cut out for hard labor.

Peace, people!