Category: Life

Embarrassing Travel Moments

I have had mixed results speaking Spanish on my trip to Antigua, Guatemala.

Last night at dinner I was trying to tell the waiter we needed more time with our menus. I patted our table and said, “Por favor, leave them right here.” His puzzled look was my first indication of how lame that sounded. The laughter from my group was the second. He did leave the menus, though–he was probably afraid to be too near this crazy gringa.

Just a few minutes ago a few of us returned to our accommodations and after calling Studly to beg for money I retreated to my room for a nap.

It didn’t take me long to peel out of my sweaty clothes to bask au naturale on my bed. I’d just closed my eyes when I realized the gardener was standing just outside the very open window. I’m pretty sure my “oops!” translated into Spanish flawlessly.

Monday Poem

Please spare me your Monday hate

Your “weekend’s over” ire.

Approximately one-seventh of one’s

Life is spent on Mondays.

One-seventh!

Disparaging Mondays is akin to

Putting down the first (or second, or third, etc.)

Decade of one’s existence.

Let’s revisit our relationship with

Monday. Put a crown on it, 

Cloak it in ermine-trimmed velvet and

Parade it through the halls of your

Life.

Name a rum drink in Monday’s honor:

“Monchata!”  

Now let’s celebrate!

Holy Grail Trail

When did purchasing a simple thing like traveler’s checks turn out to be the equivalent of searching for the holy grail? Banks, for the most part no longer offer them. AAA doesn’t sell them. I had a lead from one bank that there was a rumor that another bank might still sell them. Nope. I could order checks from American Express, but they might or might not arrive before I depart on Wednesday. 

I guess I’ll be traveling with cash then. I just remember the days when one could walk into one’s bank and buy the darned things. Did I hallucinate?

Only Two Remain

duke blue devils

wisconsin badgers

one team will win

one team will lose

after all, nobody’s

perfect.

just ask the

kentucky wildcats.

Easter

   I won’t pretend to be a religious scholar. Plenty of folks do that with mixed results and dubious credibility.

But I do know that love and forgiveness are at the heart of the teachings of Jesus, and that even in his torment on the cross He called for His Father to forgive those who were crucifying His son.

Wow. 

Peace, love, and forgiveness, People!

Threesome

When one has too much time on one’s hands one might indulge in too much reality TV. Thus was the case as I was scrolling through the channels and came across a program called “True Life: I Want a Threesome.”

Sleazy stuff, but who am I to judge? I mean I’ve seen some pretty cool threesomes in my life:

  

Nothing beats a purrfect threesome!

  

Except maybe a colorful one.

  Doggone it! Another threesome!

 

And then there’s the threesome to end all threesomes.

Who needs reality TV? (All photos found on Pinterest.)

Peace, People!

High Brow

I’ve just come from having my eyebrows threaded, and now my eyebrows look like a couple of poorly plucked chickens. I had asked the eyebrow technician (for lack of a better term) to take off “just a little” which she took to mean, “remove most of this woman’s eyebrows and just leave a few paltry hairs behind.”

 No these are not my brows, but the “before” photo comes close!

I really should know better. 99.8% of the time beautification procedures go off without a hitch. But when I have a big trip or event looming all bets are off. 

Once before a big date weekend in Indianapolis the brow tech burned my brows with hot wax. For weeks I peeled skin off of my forehead.

Just prior to a formal dress Christmas party with Studly’s co-workers I was having my brows waxed at the salon I’d always depended on when I heard the brow tech say, “oops!” Trust me, that’s not a good omen. The good news was she didn’t charge me. The bad news was one brow had been decimated. I wore a cleavage baring dress that night and hardly anyone looked aghast at my eyebrow.

You’d think I’d be the master of the eyebrow pencil by now, but sadly I’m pretty clumsy. I did sit at a makeup counter this afternoon while a beautifully made up college girl penciled in some killer brows for me. I even bought the pencil and a tiny brush. I asked her, in my saddest voice if she thought my brows might grow back by Wednesday when I leave for Guatemala. In response she patted my shoulder and said, “There, there. They aren’t THAT bad.”

In my next life, I plan on being a spoiled house cat. They’re always immaculately groomed and have perfect eyebrows.

Peace, people.

Fools!

No April Fool’s joke here, just a song that’s older than I am! And yes, there was music way back then.

http://youtu.be/q96ylFiQK_I

Dental Visit

Open wide, don’t flinch

Now you’ll feel a little pinch

Then only numbness.

You call that a pinch?

Sonofabitch I’m wounded

Grievously woonthed.

Thit, now my tongue ith athleep.

Thit, thit, thit, thit, thit.

Here’s one of my all-time favorite episodes of the Carol Burnett show. 

http://youtu.be/1CSJw96SAeM

Some Day

Some day the 

World will demand that

Man should make amends.

I’m sorry, he’ll say, and even though

There’s hell to pay the 

World will

Try to forgive him.

Because that’s the way of such things.  

Man will explain, as best he can.

He won’t lay claim to the

Blame for planetary warming.

Nevertheless, the World

Will say, here we are:

Ice caps melting,

Oceans rising, 

Droughts threatening.

You did nothing to help.

I’m sorry, Man will say.

I’ll do better next time.