Tag: humor

When the Waitress Gets it Wrong

Today I clearly heard
Myself order a
Grilled shrimp salad
Dressing on the side,
Unsweetened iced tea
With lemon.

Imagine my surprise
When tea arrived
Sweet as a toddler’s kiss.
After a sip I sent it back
Receiving a chastened
Tea in return.

My salad arrived, a
Wide expanse of
Iceberg lettuce ringed with
Red onions and simulated
Cheeses, white and yellow,
And fried chicken.

Excuse me, miss,
I ordered grilled shrimp.
No, she said, eyes rolling
I wrote down fried chicken
See. Indeed she had,
But I’m inclined to believe me.

While taking my order
She’d outrageously
Flirted with two men
Seated at the next table,
Hoping I suppose for
Big tips.

I ate the salad anyway,
And didn’t make a fuss,
But when she came to refill
My tea, I said, with a twinkle,
Remember, dear, I asked for
Unsweet.

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Pageant Mom

I’m just popping with pride! Our beautiful daughter has been referred to a seemingly prestigious group soliciting her entry into a nationwide beauty pageant. Of course we’ve always known our Ashley was pageant material, so it’s nice to feel vindicated.

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Yes, today we received a letter from NAM, the sponsors of the National American Miss Pageant. Now, I hope they don’t mind that our daughter is in her early 30’s or that she has daughters old enough to compete in this pageant. Oh, and she’s married, so I guess the “miss” part doesn’t apply.

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I can’t wait to call Ashley and remind her to dress for success for her open call audition. After all, there’s a Ford Mustang convertible on the line. She’ll be so excited.

See, she might not be a miss, but she’s beautiful.

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Goodbye Candy Crush

Today is a momentous day. I’ve deleted Candy Crush and its demented sister, Soda Crush, from my electronic devices. Gone, as well, is Bejeweled Blitz. Snap! Just like that.

Now that I’ve discovered the joy of cooking for Studly Doright I want to spend my hours in pursuit of the perfect Studly-pleasing recipes. That and I need to get up and move more. My chair and I are starting to look like conjoined twins connected at the ass.

I must admit when I hit the little “x” on the quivering Candy Crush app icon my heart squeaked in protest. After all I was on Level 657. Let that sink in. If every level took just one minute to solve, and if I’d solved each of those levels on the first try that would have been 657 minutes of my life spent playing Candy Crush. But I spent WEEKS on many levels. I could have earned a Masters Degree in the time I spent playing Candy Crush alone.

And that was just one game. Soda Crush required roughly the same time commitment, and Bejeweled Blitz, well, it was addictive on a whole different level. Some nights I’d lie awake trying to picture ways to boost my scores. Fruitless, pointless, insomnia-inducing thoughts.

I’m sure there will be some withdrawal issues. My fingers might have to learn to relax, and my eyes to refocus. There was one game I didn’t delete, though. I’ve kept Words With Friends. It seems to serve some educational purpose. How else would I know that qi and qat were words?

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Peace, People!

Cooking for Studly: An Update

Since Thursday I have cooked three major meals for Studly. That might be a record-setting accomplishment for me. We’ve had roast chicken and potatoes, steak with some healthy veggies, and French dip sandwiches. I even have his meal for tomorrow night planned.

What has happened to the carefree, happy-go-lucky member of the No-cook Cathedral of the Coast? I guess I’ve been converted, baptized into the House of the Holy Homemaker.

I have had help from friends all over the country, indeed, from all over the world! Recipe suggestions, cooking tips, do’s and dont’s have been so welcome. I guess I’m not as alone as I imagined. Thank you friends!

Studly has raised an eyebrow at the amount of money I’ve spent on various cooking gadgets and ingredients. I told him the initial outlay would pay off in the long run.

I bought a new, larger crockpot, a tenderizing hammer, a new hand mixer (my old one was a wedding gift in ’76, and somewhere along the way I lost one of the beaters), a new grater, a new paring knife, and a new Calphalon saucepan to match the cookware we bought when we moved to Tallahassee.

My poor old mixer. Goodbye old chum.

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I’ve spent quite a bit on spices, too. And I’m making an effort to cook healthy. Continue to send good thoughts and recipes. I hope this is a journey and not just a phase.

Peace, People.

Cooking for Studly: What, Again?

One would think that after I’d produced a beautiful roast chicken dinner on Thursday that I could rest on my ass, er, my laurels, for awhile, but noooo! Studly is asking what I plan on cooking tonight. Slave driver.

I did get a reprieve since Friday was pasta night at the golf club, and there is a steak in the fridge. All I need to make are a couple of side dishes. Of course Studly Doright would be quite happy with corn and a salad, but by golly if I’m going to cook, I’ll put some thought into it.

He needs the exposure to veggies, so I’ll fix a salad anyway. Now, what else? His little heart would flutter if I made a green bean casserole. I hate green bean casserole, but this is cooking for Studly, not cooking for Nana, after all.

I’ll cook some squash or Brussels sprouts in a little skillet for me. What do you call it when it’s not fried, just cooked with a little olive oil? Is that sautéing?

Any thoughts? Tips? Suggestions for mild, yet lingering fictitious maladies that might get me out of this cooking gig?

Peace, people!

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Occupied/Ocupado

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Picture this, if you will: You find yourself far from home and in need of using the restroom. Your only option is at a convenience store gas station. The bathroom is a one-seater, and you carefully lock the door behind you before placing at least three layers of tissue on the well worn public toilet seat. Even with the toilet thus protected you still hover slightly above the seat, anxious to keep a distance twixt your pristine nether cheeks and the oft used porcelain. Whew!

Then, someone turns the knob, or gives a polite knock. What is your response?

“Just a minute!”

“Someone’s in here!”

“Hold your horses!”

“Ocupado!”

My personal favorite is, “Hey, don’t get your panties in a wad!”

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I heard this question posed on NPR’s “A Way With Words,” last week. Surprisingly, a good many English speakers admit to saying “Ocupado” (Spanish for “Occupied”) in this situation. The hosts of the show thought perhaps this response could be traced to the bilingual labeling on restroom door locks on airplanes. It also could reflect Americans’ love of foreign phrases: ciao and adios for goodbye, for example.

I’m curious. What do you say in this bathroom scenario?

(Program plug: I highly recommend the program, “A Way With Words.” They can be found at http://www.waywordradio.org and on Facebook, as well. If you love words, like I love words, check them out.)

Just in case you need a bathroom etiquette guide, I found this one on Pinterest:

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Peace, people!

Cooking for Studly: A Rousing…

Success!

I’ve had three lovely glasses of wine, and can now report that dinner was a huge hit. Studly walked in the door and declared something “smelled good enough to eat!’ Thank goodness, since that was the intended purpose.

Truthfully, I thought the chicken was slightly overcooked, but Studly Doright declared it was just right. He is a fan of the slightly overcooked, you see. The seasonings were absolutely perfect. I believe I’ll add a little olive oil to the mix next time, maybe that will make it a little more moist. I’m open to suggestions.

There is one thing that’s missing–someone to clean the kitchen. I hardly ever have to do the clean up when we go out for dinner.

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Studly gave the meal two thumbs up!

Peace, people!

Cooking for Studly: In Progress

My roast chicken and potatoes are in the sixth hour of slow cooking. The odors emanating from the crockpot are seriously mouth watering. Since I could no longer resist the instruction manual’s admonition against lifting the lid, I did so very briefly. Mmmmmm.

The chicken is tender and appears to be as potentially tasty as it looks. Now is the time my anxiety kicks into high gear. In my limited cooking experience I tend to screw a meal up in the final stages of cooking. So the time is ripe for doing something ill-advised.

I never know what form the screw up will take–over cooking? Under cooking? Dropping said meal? Realizing too late that the instructions were continued on another page that I didn’t read? Opening the lid one too many times? Oh yes, I’ve done them all, and more.

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Damn! I opened the lid again, but I need input. How does it look to an experienced cook? I wish I had an “add aroma” button on the iPad.

Studly should be home around 5 p.m. Eastern time. I’ll cook corn and put together a salad to complete the meal. And just for good measure, I’ll have a fortifier, or two, ready. Tell me, white whine or Blue Moon or both? I think both.

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What’s the old adage, “Cooking Lasts, Kissing Don’t”? I’m planning on puckering up anyway, just in case the cooking goes awry.

Here’s the recipe:

Slow Cooker Roast Chicken and Potatoes
Serves 4

1 whole chicken, skinned (4-5lbs.)
4-5 garlic cloves (Studly doesn’t much care for garlic, so I used only 2)
1 onion, quartered
4-5 golden potatoes
2 tsp. Kosher salt
1 tsp. Paprika
1 tsp. Onion powder
1/2 tsp. Dried thyme
1 tsp. Italian seasoning
1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp. black pepper (I used freshly ground pepper because I feel chef-like turning the grinder.)

1. Scrub potatoes, prick with fork, wrap in foil, and place in bottom of slow cooker.
2. Clean, skin, and rinse chicken; pat dry.
3. Stuff cavity with onion and garlic.
4. Combine seasonings and rub over chicken.
5. Place chicken over potatoes, breast down.
6. Cook on high 4-5 hours or on low for 8 hours.

Because I’m really slow at prep work, I got the chicken ready last night, and let it hang out in the fridge wrapped in foil. I sure hope that was ok.

Peace, People!

Cooking for Studly: The Adventure Begins

Today is the day! If you’ve followed my blog at all you know that I am:

1) a 58 year old narcissist
2) married for 38 years to a man I lovingly call Studly Doright, and
3) about to embark on a long overdue adventure in cooking for Studly.

By cooking, I mean real, healthy “cooked at home” meals. Heretofore, my cooking has consisted mainly of heating things in the microwave and making reservations at my favorite restaurants. I excel at both.

In preparation I’ve bought some kitchen gadgets. I even know what some of them are.

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I’ve also solicited advice from friends and complete strangers. Pinterest has been consulted. I’ve got this.

Here are my choices for tonight’s dinner:

1) Chicken Tortilla Soup
2) Chicken Stroganoff
3) Roast Chicken and Potatoes

Notice a commonality? Yep, chicken. That’s because Studly really likes chicken and very little else.

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I am open to suggestions for future healthy, EASY meals for two. Just keep in mind that Studly will not consume seafood of any kind, any type of pasta with marinara sauce, ground turkey, meat loaf, mushrooms, any vegetables except for corn and green beans.

He does like plain old steak and potatoes, some Mexican food, rice, and the aforementioned chicken. If food poisoning doesn’t kill us, boredom most likely will.

Wish me luck, and send recipe suggestions! My life might be in your hands.

Peace, People!

Losing Weight

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Weigh in scheduled for
11:30 a.m.
Jenny Craig awaits.
Still in bed at 9:05 trying to
Decide if I will weigh less
By doing nothing productive
Before my appointment, or
If I should arise and run
Frantically around exercising
Enough to make up for the
Non-exercise I did all week.
Questions arise:
Which non-activity
Burns more calories?
Not riding a stationary bike or
Not walking for two miles?
Opting for option #2 I slip back
Beneath the covers and
Dream of key lime pound cake.

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Peace, People!