Tag: humor

Looking Hot

looking
hot
for a
woman
like me
who
is not
takes an
exhausting
amount of
energy.
i think
now
might be
a good
time
for a
nap.
zzzzzzzzzzzz

  
Peace, people!

Pep Talks

Me: Dang, that was good pizza!

Me: It sure was. Now where do you want to go?

Me: I don’t care. Somewhere I can walk.

Me: The mall?

Me: No, I’ve been there twice this week.

Me: True, but it’s a great place to get your 10 flights of stairs. And you did just consume a huge slice of pepperoni pizza.

Me: Okay. The mall it is, but do NOT let me buy anything. 

Me: Deal!

Me: Here, you handle the money. It’s safer that way.

Me: Whatever makes you happy.

Me: You make me happy.

Me: 😊

Yes, this happened. I hope the guy sitting next to me at Momo’s Pizza recovers from his shock soon.

  

Peace, people!

Helpful Information Regarding Bacon

Just remember folks, you might’ve read it here first, even though I borrowed every bit from Pinterest. Read and learn. You can thank me later. Or now. I like being thanked. With bacon.

 
Every man should come with a side of bacon.  
 I have been known to steal bacon. I’m not proud of it, but I’ll probably do it again.  
The next one, I have to disagree with a little. That’s still not enough bacon.

 
True story, I really thought it was called bacon soda for years.

   
Studly only looks at bacon like its bacon. 

 
Really, this happens.  
And now I’ll return to my previously scheduled diet.

Peace, people! 

Economics of the Fitbit

After I write this I solemnly promise my readers will never have to read another post about my Fitbit, but I thought some of the presidential candidates might need this information. It could be a game changer.

I’ve decided that the Fitbit might be a great boon to the economy and should be touted as such. Janet Yellen, heed my words! If every American had one the economy could make a complete recovery. Here’s my breakdown of benefits to the economy directly linked to the Fitbit:

1) Initially I drove to Best Buy using gasoline I purchased at a local gas station.

2) I bought a Fitbit Charge HR for around $150.

3) After purchasing my Fitbit I dined at Chicken Salad Chick where I spent $11.00 on my favorite scoop of Cranberry Kelly with a side of fresh fruit. 

4) I needed good walking shoes, so I purchased a new pair at a local shoe store, spending another $80.

5) My socks irritated my toes, so I drove across town to a place that sells specialty socks and plunked down $12.00 for a pair. I like these and will soon buy more.

6) It’s been too hot most days to walk outside, so I drive to one of the malls in Tallahassee to walk in air conditioned comfort. Malls are dangerous places for me financially. I have purchased thus far:

  • A new sports bra  ($58)
  • Moisturizer ($48)
  • Jeans and two blouses ($179)
  • Face cleanser and assorted cosmetics ($44)
  • Food Court food — mostly grilled chicken (approximately $35)
  • Miscellaneous items ($20)

Keep in mind that I also must drive to and from the mall. I’ve spent a lot of money this month thanks to my Fitbit.

Maybe this post wasn’t such a great idea. Forget I wrote it, and whatever you do, Don’t Tell Studly!

(But I have lost 8 pounds.)

  
Peace, people!

Experience Speaks

we’re told
everything happens
for a reason.
i’m not sure
i agree.

we’re told
we’ll never be
given more than
we can handle.
that’s a lie.

we’re told
that what doesn’t
kill us only
makes us stronger.
i beg to differ.

experience tells us
that sometimes crappy
things happen for
no apparent reason.

experience tells us
that sometimes what
we’re given would
make Jesus weep.

experience tells us
that sometimes what
doesn’t kill us leaves
us wounded beyond repair.

so if the platitudes
seem too saccharine
to swallow,
rejoice! there’s
always tomorrow,

or so we’re told.

peace, people!

emilymcdowell.com