Tag: humor

Baby Sitting?

Pondering the deeper questions of existence today as I watch over my daughter’s three children.  Primarily, why do they call it Baby Sitting when Sitting hardly comes into play? 

Better this activity should be called Baby Following or Baby Running or Baby Exhausting instead.

  
Above, a rare moment of baby sitting as the youngest grandchild presents each of her princesses to me with a colorful introduction. “Actually,” she explains, holding one tiny figure, “This is Princess Tiana, and she is very beautiful. Notice her colorful dress.”

I’ve become quite adept at oohing and aahing. Perhaps I’m a Baby Ooh-er!

Peace, People!

Scaling Walls

a ladder might have made climbing easier, but ladders are for wussies.

so i backed up and took a run at the wall, jumping up to hang my fingers on the lip.

scrabbling feet searched for a hold, catching a fractured brick just right only to have

pieces of mortar crumble into rubble beneath my feet.

dropping down i crouched, defeated by the scale.

by now a crowd had gathered egging me on
“try!” “you can do it!” some cheered; others jeered.

renewed determination coursed through my brain trickling down to trembling limbs.

once again i made the run, leaping with all my might.

chin knocked wobbly, i fell back in the dust, chest heaving, eyes watering.

a wee face peeked over from the other side. “can i give you a hand lady?”

“sure, child,” i said, taking his hand and stepping over the barrier.

  

Say What You Mean–A Joke Y’all

A Texas Aggie goes in to see his doctor and says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”

The doctor looks at the Aggie and says, “Surely you don’t want that. It’s a very serious operation and once you go through it it can’t be undone.”

“I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, Doc,” says the Aggie.

The doctor does his best to talk the Aggie out of the surgery, but he refuses to budge. 

Finally the doctor says, “Well, if you’re sure, I’ll perform the surgery. But it’s against my better judgement.”

So the Aggie has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand in tow. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
 “Hey there,” says the Aggie, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”

“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided to be circumcised.” 

The Aggie snapped his fingers and said, said, “Circumcised! THAT’S the word!”

Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/sex-and-shit/castration#ixzz3zLgF1Ovf

Mind your own

I found a strange appendage, long and large and warty

Hanging ’round my business, sorting dirty laundry.

“Who goes there?” I cried, fearing some loathsome beast. 

Don’t mind me, the creature smiled, I’m having a great feast.

You do know, it continued, your life is quite a mess,

Of politics, and feelings hurt, and choices, not the best

When at your age you should be content to sip your lemonade.

Your hair, your style–too bold, and your ways, unstaid.

Slow down, you’re old; and your actions too frenetic.

And face it, girl you should by now be feeling apologetic.

Why waste what time you’ve got on earth writing all the time,

When sad to say you haven’t gained the necessary skill of rhyme.

The creature paused to take a breath, and finally I saw

It was just a pathetic nose above a gaping maw.

“Scat, you boogery old snot locker,” I said.

“Keep out of my business. Worry over yours, instead. 

And like any good bully, away that nose did skulk

To lick his wounds and have himself a good self-righteous sulk.

Peace, people!

 

Trade Offs

Boxers or briefs,
Salad or soup,
Ranch or French
Alone or a group?

Introvert or extrovert,
Country or rock,
Canine or feline,
Piaget or Spock?

Switchers or fighters,
Whole milk or fat free,
Harley or Yamaha,
Democrat or GOP?

Star Wars or Star Trek,
Beatles or the Stones,
Connery or Craig,
Han Solo or Indiana Jones?

Life is full of trade offs
Everything’s a choice
So hurry, close the menu
And give yourself a voice.

Massage in a Bottle

Ok, that’s a lame title, so sue me. My hips and upper thighs have been causing me extreme agony lately, and I’ve found that a good massage can help relieve some of my pain. 

I had such a massage today. The therapist dug into my hips until the muscle relaxed and I could sigh in relief. But I also, at one point in the treatment got an intense cramp in the calf of my left leg causing me to kick the unsuspecting massage therapist squarely in the face. 

  After all he’d done for me I felt awful. Poor guy. I’m not sure any amount of gratuity is going to ease his pain, but it might buy him some ibuprofen.

Peace, people!

Name Your Poison Ivy

Let’s give this one some thought. If you had to name one thing, and one thing only, what would it be. And why?

  
My answer: Ironing!

Why? Because I still have the scars on my body from the last time I tried it.

Peace, people!

  

Bullseye

One of the trivia questions our team answered incorrectly on Friday evening was the number of points awarded when a dart sticks in the very bottom section of a dart board. Not a one of us was a darts player. I ardently wished to be able to phone a friend, but that option wasn’t available.

One member of our team (The Pattycakes) was almost certain it was worth nine points. Another felt like it might be six. Neither had the correct answer: THREE.

  
But I found it interesting that both of the incorrect guesses were multiples of three, as if in some corner of their minds our team members were making connections to the actual answer.

The brain is an amazing organ. I’m so glad I have one. Too bad I lost the owner’s manual years ago.

  
Peace, people!