I’ve decided I’m probably not dying anytime soon, but I definitely have a cold. A serious cold, as opposed to a frivolous cold. In order to form a more perfect healing environment I drafted the Cold Sufferers’ Bill of Rights:
1. The cold sufferer shall have the right to construct a nest of pillows and blankets. All items necessary to healing and/or comfort shall be arrayed in appropriate positions either within or precisely adjacent to said nest. Items might include, but are not limited to, pillows, tissues, medications, books, and the t.v. remote.
2. The cold sufferer has the right to suspend by the thumbs anyone attempting to disturb the aforementioned nest.
3. The cold sufferer has the right to the entire bed for as long as his/her cold shall last.
4. The cold sufferer has the right to moan pitifully periodically with no repercussions, including, but not limited to sarcastic eye rolls or sighs of exasperation.
5. The cold sufferer has the right to be waited upon hand and foot for the duration of the cold.
6. The cold sufferer is excused from any domestic duties for the duration of the cold and perhaps beyond depending on mood and acting ability.
7. The cold sufferer has the right to request his/her
minions er, attendants make as many trips to the drugstore as are necessary for the health and well-being of the cold sufferer.
8. The cold sufferer is deemed right in any debate. Arguing can curtail the body’s ability to heal.
9. The cold sufferer should be allowed full control of the remote. If she/he needs to watch Star Wars, Episodes IV, V, and VI repeatedly for a full week, so be it.
10. The cold sufferer shall be given immunity from repercussions relating to anything said or done during illness.
That’s all my poor stuffed up head can handle for now. Studly, bring me another hot toddy. (snapping fingers) Studly? Studly? He always was a bit of a rebel.