Fit for a King

“You made your bed, now lie in it!”

Our mattress has seen better days. We bought it back when George W. Bush was President and his brother Jeb!, was governor of Florida, just to give you an idea of its advanced age. The darned thing is dished out and lumped up, and fails to provide comfortable support for more than ten minutes at a time. 

When Studly and I returned to Florida after eight years in Illinois, we planned on  buying a new bed, but decided to first buy a home and get settled. After the home was purchased Studly built his dream workshop/garage. Then we added a roof to our back porch and screened it in. The bed just kept being shoved into the background.

Last night I stayed up late watching back to back Naked and Afraid episodes and thinking about beds. Specifically I thought, “Every one of those naked people would kill to have my awful bed for a night.”

But I am not one of those naked people, dammit! 

The saddest thing is that we have two guest bedrooms. Both have really great, relatively new, pillow top mattresses. But one is a full sized bed and the other a queen. Studly Doright and I share a king sized bed. Ah, the American way!

Occasionally I’ll declare that I’m sleeping in one of the guest rooms, but then Studly makes these pathetically sweet puppy dog faces, and I realize I’d rather sleep uncomfortably with my king than comfortably without him.

I am making a big push for that new mattress, and am engaged in thorough research. I’ve studied Consumer Reports, solicited advice and suggestions from friends, and taken field trips into every mattress store in the greater Tallahassee area. I didn’t put this much effort into choosing my wedding gown.

With any luck, and by luck I mean a nice annual bonus, we will get a new mattress this year. If not, I might have to sign up as a contestant on Naked and Afraid.  Anything for a good night’s sleep.

Nekkid and Skeert

Picture this: A man and a woman, strangers to one another, agree to try to survive in a harsh environment for a period of 21 days. Naked. While being captured on film. 

This is an actual television series in the U.S. 

occasionally participants construct crude clothing; other times they just get blurry in their privates. It’s a disease, I think.

Each participant is allowed to bring one tool or accessory to facilitate their survival. I’d bring a gun to kill the huge snakes in the dark jungle. So far no one’s done that. Perhaps guns are against the rules, or perhaps bullets would count as a second tool.

Typically each couple experiences extreme dehydration, epic weight loss due to starvation, and emotional angst at being naked with a stranger. 

Ok, I made that last part up, but I imagine my attempt at being on Naked and Afraid might go something like this:

Nekkid and Skeert

Stranger Joe: So, what tool did you bring?

Me: A book.

Joe: A book! That’s not a tool!

Me: (Whacks Joe upside the head with my book) Oh really?

Joe: Ok! I guess you made your point. I brought an axe. 

Me: I guess that’ll work. Just don’t ask to use my book. Guess we need to dispense with our clothes. You first.

Joe: (strips) Your turn.

Me: (strips)

Joe: Ha! Ha! Oh my gosh! Can’t Unsee THAT!!! (Drops axe on foot; loses two toes)

Medical crew steps in and takes Joe to the nearest emergency room.

I wander in the wilderness for 21 days, reading my book and munching on berries, occasionally fending off snakes and lizards. In the process I lose 22 lbs. and find my inner goddess.

Peace, people!