Tag: humor

Banana Spider

We have a small area just outside of our front door that as far as I can tell holds no purpose other than to propagate weeds. The folks who built the home had a gardener to care for the ground cover plants that grew there, but when given a choice between employing a part time housekeeper or a gardener, there was no contest. Housekeeper won by a mile.

Logically I should have known that the pretty plants would need tending eventually and that I probably would end up with that job, but denial runs strong in my family. 

Last summer I stumbled about trying to maintain some semblance of respectable home ownership, but this year the courtyard has just gone to pot. Not literally–pot isn’t yet legal in Florida, so don’t send the sheriff’s department out our way, but figuratively. 

Things that made for pretty ground cover a year ago are sprouting tufts that look like an old man’s whiskers, and the uglier stuff is back with a vengeance. We plan to do something creative with the area, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Why? Golf. I blame golf.

Periodically I go out and talk to these plants/weeds as I bend, sweat, and pull, bend, sweat, and pull. It’s all very tender talk: “Go away you ugly sons of bitches, you’re making our home look bad to the UPS and FedEx guys.”

Today I was bending, sweating, and pulling while cursing these plants, and I stumbled into a banana spider’s web.

  
I didn’t realize at first that it was a banana spider’s web. I was too busy slapping at my head and shoulders to remove any arachnids that might have transferred from the web to my body. When I stepped out of the web I looked up and there she sat. Huge. 

Banana spiders in Florida are not poisonous, but they will bite and I understand the bites are quite painful. I continued to pull weeds, but now I had one eye on the spider. Cursing, bending, sweating, and pulling.

Peace, people!

Oh Muffin Top, My Muffin Top

Love handles,
Spare tire,
Thick around
the middle.
A muffin top
by any other
name is still
my clothing
nemesis.

  

I tried on jeans today. Hence the poem. The jeans I loved fit just low enough on my hips to produce the dreaded muffin top. The jeans that hid my muffin top produced the dreaded mom jeans look. I’m thinking about embracing the bulge and decorating it with sparkles and sequins. Might start a new trend.

Peace, people!

Finally

  
A word to describe what I do. I have baltered. I will continue to balter. I might be baltering right now. I always balter with enjoyment.

I am a balterina.

  
Peace, people!

Word To Your Mama

Have you ever looked at an ordinary word for so long that it just doesn’t seem right anymore? That happened to me yesterday afternoon as I was looking for an over-the-counter medicine to calm my incessant sneezing, itchy throat, and watery eyes.

The word:

ALLERGY

The more I looked at the word the stranger it appeared. Was it ALL ERGY? Or perhaps AL LERGY? 

When a helpful clerk at CVS asked if I needed assistance I mumbled something along the lines of, “Yes. Yes, I do.”

  
I hope this product helps with word fixation, as well.

Peace, people!

Things That Make You Go “Ewww!”

I ran over a snake this morning.
Ewwwwwwww!
It made me think about other things that bring an ewwwwww to my lips and face and mind:

Things That Make Me Say “Ew!”
(To the tune of My Favorite Things)

Spiders in thick webs and
Baby poop in diapers,
Roaches in corners and
Squished bugs under wipers
Moldy foods in Tupperware
And stinky gym shoes
These are the things that
Can make me say ewwww!

Snakes underneath tires
And hair in my salads
Stepping in dog poo
and John Tesch’s ballads
Splattering sneezes with
Snot infused goo
These are the things that
Can make me say ewwwww!

When the kid pukes
When the farts smell
And I hold my nose
I simply reflect on these
Grossest of things and
All I can say is Ewwwwww!

  
Peace, people!

Trivia Tonight

My favorite night of the month is here: Trivia night at David’s golf club! Our team has yet to win, but we have placed third on two occasions. 

I’ve always been fairly good at trivia. This rather ordinary looking brain holds quite a bit of completely useless information. But lately I’ve found that I’ve lost some of my sharpness. That, and there are so many current events in pop culture that I just don’t know. 

Even things I once knew I no longer know, such as the atomic numbers of common elements and the various offspring of Greek and Roman deities. I’m still the go to girl on all things Star Wars, though. Now if I could just bribe our emcee, Josh. I wonder if he’d like a nice personalized poem?

Josh
my gosh
your trivia
questions
are boss,
Josh.

I have a feeling that wont cut it. Wish us luck.

Soliloquy and Response: A Play in One Act

Setting: Family room; TV turned to World’s Dumbest Criminals

Wife: It seems that you might be upset about something. I can’t imagine what it might be, and I’ve been wracking my brain all day and just want to say, whatever I’ve done I’m sorry and I will do my best to never do it again. 

If it’s about the lack of sex, I realize I haven’t been all that amorous lately. It’s purely hormonal and I’d do something about that if I could. Honestly, don’t take it personally. 

Our lives are so entertwined. I don’t know where I end and you begin, so please help me understand your feelings. 

Just know that I never take any of this life we’ve built for granted. You’ve worked so hard, and I’ve always been your cheerleader. You’re my man and I love you fiercely. 

 So maybe we’ve both gone a little deaf, and we aren’t as thin as we once were. Let’s not fight. Just talk and then cuddle. What do you say? Surely we can work this out.

Husband: Did you say something?

THE END

It’s a lose/lose situation.

Delayed Gratification

In college I took enough psychology classes to make me annoying (ok, more annoying) to my friends and family. I loved reading about experiments and studies into animal and human behavior.

One that has stuck in my mind is an experiment that I believe B.F. Skinner, known as the father of operant conditioning, constructed. Now I tried to google the experiment, but never hit on the exact study I was looking for, so maybe I made it up. Please, if you know of the study correct my errors.

As I recall, in the study some rats were given a treat every time they pressed a lever, while other rats never received a treat, and still others received treats at random. Understandably, the rats receiving no rewards soon gave up pressing the lever, and the rats who always received a treat became complacent. The rats that received treats only now and again, though, were the most eager to press the lever. 

Hmmm. I get this dynamic now; whereas, in college I did not. Let me illustrate:

Once, many years ago, I arrived home from a business trip to find Studly Doright standing outside our home in Melbourne, Florida, with our motorcycles loaded for a trip. He told me to get ready for a weekend ride and to grab anything I might need for a weekend of fun. He refused to tell me where we were headed, just that I might need my swimsuit.

Unbeknownst to me he’d booked us the attic room at the Seven Sisters Inn (A Historical Bed and Breakfast) in Ocala, Florida. It was wonderful and romantic, and ever since that time I’ve fantasized about another such surprise. Had he never treated me to that trip I’d never even entertain the thought, but he did and now, no matter how often I push the button I receive no reward. Well, at least not THAT reward.

Sigh. Better to be the rat that never got the treat? You decide.

 

Seven Sisters Inn
 
Peace, people!

Back to School

For many of my friends tomorrow marks the day parents long for, children dread, and teachers anticipate with a mixture of nervousness and excitement: The First Day of School.

Having taught I still have nightmares of the first day back. In these I’m usually standing in the middle of my beautifully decorated classroom trying to control 27 kids with hand gestures and fervent pleas to sit down while they run about in fevered chaos destroying all of my hard work.

The first day, so critical to the rest of the year, always left me flummoxed. When I taught elementary school, the first day was usually over by noon and still I struggled to find ways to fill those four hours. 

We practiced all of our procedures (how to line up to leave the room, how to request permission to use the restroom or the pencil sharpener, the proper heading for student class work, etc.). We got to know one another. We wrote our names in our textbooks and completed information cards. All that took roughly one hour, or one and a half if I spoke s-l-o-w-l-y.

I was much more suited to the middle school model. On that first day kids came in, we set our expectations, did a quick name game, and boom! It was time for the next class. I repeated that scenario three or four more times and day one was over.

Teaching tested my sanity, and I’m certain no one really misses my presence in the classroom, but I know some terrific educators at all levels. Some are starting at new schools this year, others are trying on new grade levels, while others are quite happy to be in the same school and grade they’ve been in for many years.

To each and every person who works with children, thank you and best of luck. Have a great school year.

 

Where was Pinterest when I was teaching?

Peace, people! 

Free Range Chicken

While most of my readers reside in the U.S., many do not, and I forget that not all of our pop culture gets exported. 

Some of the best commercials on American television are those for GEICO insurance. And since GEICO is an acronym for Government Employees Insurance Company, it’s highly unlikely that these ads are broadcast outside the U.S. Please correct me if I’m wrong about that, non-U.S. residents.

Here’s one of my favorite GEICO ads:

http://youtu.be/3v1wFKKWMCA
Then there’s this one:
http://youtu.be/8R0W5QqWjIg
And this one:

http://youtu.be/pvcj9xptNOQ
And I didn’t even include any featuring the GEICO gecko spokesman. I’ll save him for another day.

Peace, people!