Speaking of Festivals

Recently I wrote about attending the annual Mayhaw Festival in Monticello, Florida, and my general love of quaint all-American festivals. KH, the older of my two younger brothers did some research for me and discovered not one, not two, but five festivals celebrating (ta-da!) testicles!

What do you think? Which one provides the greatest opportunity for me to be named Ms. Testicle? My personal favorite is the one where you can “Come have a ball with Jesus!” Read on:

The following material can be found on guycodeblog.mtv.com; Author NEAL STASTNY (@NEALSTAS) IS A COMEDIAN AND WRITER IN NEW YORK.

1. Testy Festy

Testy Festy, held every year in Clinton, Montana, features wet T-shirt contests, the Undie 500 (men and women race tricycles in their underwear) and even a big ball contest for guys who aren’t scared to drop trou…and aren’t scared of that deep-fryer.

2. Olean Testicle Festival

What began as a small gathering of family and friends in Olean, Missouri, now provides thousands of people with their testicle fix. The event features live music and a “motorcycle burn-out contest.” There’s no better way to spend an afternoon than by hanging with bikers and eating testicles.

3. Texas Testicle Festival

If the other two festivals too secular for you, then try the Texas Testicle Festival, where the motto is “Come Have a Ball With Jesus.” The event, started by real-life cowboys, features a ball-eating contest, gospel music, a roping contest and a church service. It’s hard to get more American than cowboys, religion and fried food.

4. Tiro Testicle Festival

This festival, held every year in Tiro, Ohio‘s Tiro Tavern, is a little smaller than the others, so it’s perfect for someone who wants to celebrate testicles but avoid the crowd.

5. Oakdale Testicle Festival

To separate itself from the other testicle festivals, this one in Oakdale, California (“Cowboy Capital of the Word”), lets festival-goers select the slogan. This year’s was “30 Years And Still Hangin!” Is your testicle pun good enough for 2014?


Peace, people!

Mayhaw Festival

I’m a big fan of festivals. All festivals. I don’t care what’s being celebrated or honored or paraded, if there’s a festival within easy driving distance I’m there. After all, every festival needs a queen. I’d love to be queen.

This past Saturday while Studly was playing golf I drove about 35 miles east to the Mayhaw Festival held at Golden Acres ranch just outside of Monticello, Florida.  I had no idea what a Mayhaw was, but it sounded vaguely Southern so I couldn’t wait to see what this festival was all about. 

In my excitement I failed to check event times and arrived just about the same time that the various exhibitors were setting up. Oops. I wandered around and visited with folks, but there wasn’t a lot going on. 

However, the morning weather was absolutely gorgeous without the heavy humidity and heat that would set in later in the morning. Maybe early was better after all. My chances of being named Queen increased significantly with me being one of the few women present. 

This gorgeous rooster and I kind of bonded. He followed me around like a little lamb. But My name isn’t Mary and he was no lamb. I think he wanted me to join his harem. I respectfully declined. I did ask him if I could be Queen of the Mayhaw Festival. He just said, “cockahahaha!”

This baby Pygmy goat was three weeks old. Her name was Daisy and she was a big hit with the few children in attendance. When I asked Daisy what my chances of being named Mayhaw Queen were she said, “baaaaaad” 

I bought a couple of items. On the left is a jar of salsa. I’m opening it tonight. On the right is a jar of Mayhaw jelly. I asked what a Mayhaw was before making my purchase, after all I’m not a complete idiot. Mayhaws are small red berries that resemble cranberries. The sample taste was pleasant–tart and rich. 

As festivals go this one was pretty laid back. Maybe if I’d stuck around the activity might have increased. But, the temps were headed up into the 90’s on Saturday, and I’m such a delicate little flower that I headed home for a nice long (three hour!) nap.

Festivals are common in this area during the spring and summer, and I’ve started looking for one to attend next weekend. I’d really like one willing to name me Queen over the proceedings. I’d ride in the parade in a lovely   gown of fuschia or purple or lime green and wave at all the little people.

Peace, little people!