Tag: humor

A Matter of Lice and Death

Now and again I find it amusing to browse Craiglist for employment opportunities. And who knows, one day I might find the perfect job, namely one that pays me a large sum of money for doing very little work. Oh, and it must be a position to which I can report as suits my schedule. 
Studly assures me that I need not work, but occasionally I’d like to have a bit of my own money so I can purchase things like birthday and anniversary gifts for him without having to fib. “Oh, that $200 missing from our account, um, that was for groceries.” 

He knows I don’t buy groceries, so why do I bother? It’s part of the game, I suppose. 

Anyway, I looked on Craigslist this afternoon and discovered a few interesting positions:

  
Of these, Head Lice Removal Technician and Funeral Associate sound promising. Who’s willing to serve as a reference?

  

Warning: Graphic Content

Unretouched photos of me sunbathing.   

Peace, people!

Caption This

One of my favorite bloggers, Ellen Hawley (Notes from the U.K.), recently posted a quirky photo and solicited captions for it. Here’s the link to Ellen’s post: http://wp.me/p4FooO-kN

I submitted a caption, but a winner had already been declared. Story of my freaking life. But two, or two hundred, can play this game, and I vowed to find a photo worthy of captioning. 

I give you:

  
So submit your caption, and we’ll decide on a best one and maybe honorable mentions. There could be medals or trophies or something. 

Criminal Animation

On a typical Saturday morning one would usually find me wandering around Tallahassee or neighboring communities while Studly plays eighteen holes at Southwood Golf Club. I had planned to explore the annual LeMoyne Chain of Parks Art Festival this morning, but a bulging disc (not nearly as glamorous as it sounds) and the threat of rain have kept me homebound. Maybe tomorrow….

I’ve had a couple of cups of coffee enhanced with Irish cream, and a protein bar for breakfast. The forest in my backyard is bathed in that processed chrome lighting that accompanies cloudy days in the Florida panhandle. It looks as though a fae clan might emerge at any moment to dance around the toadstools growing beneath a magnolia tree. I keep watch, just in case.

I’m doing laundry and watching Saturday morning cartoons, and I have a complaint to lodge. Namely, whoever the hell is doing the animation for the cartoon Alvinnn!!! and the Chipmunks should be arrested posthaste and forced to serve a life sentence watching the original series. Maybe he/she/they would learn what Alvin and company should look like and draw them accordingly.

My years spent sitting enraptured by Saturday morning television surely qualify me as an expert in the field of cartoon esthetics, and what I’ve witnessed this morning is a disgrace. So, how do I report this travesty? The chipmunks look like sleazy rodents instead of clean cut, chubby cheeked faux-teenagers. 

Flipping through the channels I find that few of my other cartoon favorites have fared any better. They’re either so heavily computer-generated that they look nothing like the originals or drawn so poorly that their original animators must be rolling over in their respective graves.

Today’s children, though, have been raised on this second-rate fare, plus, they have so many more choices than my brothers and I had with our three channels (ABC, NBC, CBS) that I suppose they don’t realize what they’re missing.

But I do, and it makes me sad. 

 

Now.
 
 
Then.
 

Peace, people.

To Wine or not to Wine

For awhile I gave up wine and took up the drinking of beer. But the really good beer is so high in calories and my waistline was growing at such an incredible rate that I had to follow Nancy Reagan’s advice and just say no.

For about ten minutes I considered completely eschewing alcohol in the pursuit of clean living. I actually went two weeks with nothing more potent than a splash of mouthwash. Unfortunately Listerine doesn’t come in a Cabernet Sauvignon or a Chardonnay. 

For the first time since beginning my blog I stumbled headlong into a mild case of writer’s block. Then I ran across a really profound quote:

 
 I wasn’t doing it right! I was writing sober and left with absolutely nothing to edit.
Good old Papa. He also said:

  
Needless to say I’ve begun having a single glass of wine in the evenings. My doctor says it’s fine. I’m finding things to write about again. Life is good.

  
Peace, people!

Talking to Myself

Have you ever completed a story or poem and thought to yourself, “Wow! That’s really pretty?”

And then responded, “Thanks!”?

I might’ve just done that.

  
Peace, people!

Take That, Emily!

I went out to fetch our mail last Thursday afternoon enjoying the brief walk up our driveway. We had one catalog and a bit of junk mail in the mailbox. No bills were in the mix, and that’s always a good thing. 

The melodies of dozens of birds mingled on the breeze, and I spoke to a squirrel. They seldom speak back, yet I never give up hope. 

As I headed back to the house I noted a curious clicking noise, perhaps one squirrel scolding another. Instead of going in through our garage I walked around the back of the house, hoping to surprise whatever critter was click clicking. 

The instant I turned the corner I realized what was going on. A big, fat black snake slid away from me, and the birds had been warning one another. I should learn to speak Bird.

For the first time in my life I did not jump or squeal at the sight of the snake. Shouldn’t there be a medal for such an impressive show of bravery? Or at least a round of applause. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Oddly enough I’d had Emily Dickinson’s poem, Snake on my mind this morning, so I snapped a photo of it from the website online-literature.com.

  
I will never be Ms. Dickinson’s equal in the art of poetry, but I calmly faced a snake. Take that, Emily!

The visitor looked much like this guy.  I believe he is a Black Pine snake. Handsome, isn’t he? And quite polite. 
Peace, people!

Cooking for Studly: Lighten Up

For any of my readers who’ve wondered, I’m still cooking meals for Studly Doright. There were many years during our marriage when my culinary efforts were sporadic at best and non-existent, at worst. The truth is, I’m not very good in the kitchen. 

But Studly and I made a deal wherein I could retire from working in exchange for becoming his scullery maid, er, cook. For the most part, I’m enjoying my end of the bargain, and occasionally I even make a great meal.

Now a new issue has arisen in my cooking experiment–Studly and I are trying to be more health conscious. My first suggestion was a diet of all salads. That got vetoed pretty quickly, but you can’t blame a girl for trying. So I’m to figure out how to make things he likes in a healthier manner.

One of his favorite entrees is a dish I’ve made successfully since discovering it in a Beta Sigma Phi cookbook published in 1981. 

  
You can tell the book has seen its share of use, and I’d like to say I’ve tried every single recipe in it, but that would be a lie. 

Golden Beef Quiche is the only recipe I’ve succesfully produced from the cookbook, and I’d sincerely like to thank Ms. Judith Essenpreis of Centralia, Illinois, for submitting it to the cookbook committee back in the day. 
Studly loves this dish, even though he’s a real man and supposedly real men don’t eat quiche. It is one of the few dishes that he will eat as leftovers. I love it because it’s foolproof, and in the kitchen I am something of a fool.

Now that he’s decided to eat healthier I’ve been using extra lean ground beef, but I would also like to replace the cheddar cheese soup with something less processed. I simply do not know how to do that. If anyone reading this could give me a suggestion that would be lovely.