Tag: humor

So Far Behind

While I’ve been sick with what I’ve come to believe is diverticulitis, also known as “Hell’s Great Fury Unfurled” I’ve fallen way behind in reading the blogs of others. Studly Doright is having surgery today so I am going to use the time waiting for him to emerge from the procedure by reading your blogs. Now, if all of you could just hold off writing any new posts until I’ve caught up, that’d be great. I’m talking to you. And you.

Have I mentioned I can’t have caffeine for awhile? Yeah, so that’s a bummer. In addition to all the diverticulitis stuff I’ve also been dealing with caffeine withdrawal. My headaches have been monumental and debilitating. Only yesterday did they begin to ease off. If I live through this I will never have another cup of coffee. Maybe.

Oh, and no alcohol is allowed for the foreseeable future. That’s not been hard to deal with for me, but the cats are getting anxious.

I do believe I will survive now, but I could sure use a cup of coffee.

In Today’s News

I smiled at myself in the bathroom mirror this morning. That might not seem like such a big deal, but it’s huge in my world. After being sick for a week now, I feel like maybe things are looking up. I also feel like I’ve made that claim more than once in the past seven days, so I’m not putting any money on it.

I tried to ignore all of the news about trump reneging on the deal with Iran yesterday. Remember when we wondered how to deal with the mad men of other countries? Now, we have our own homegrown mad man. Lucky us. Makes me nostalgic for Qaddafi.

Instead, I focused on the fun news.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/massive-rockefeller-family-art-auction-opens-646-million-haul-n872566

The Rockefeller family’s auction set more than one record yesterday. Unfortunately my illness, and a few million dollars, kept me from buying anything.

Above, Picasso’s Young Girl with a Flower Basket sold for $115,000,000. Gertrude Stein’s brother originally purchased it for $30 in 1905.

Monet’s Water Lilies in Bloom sold for a record $87.4 million.

The Matisse, perhaps my favorite, sold for more than $80 million.

So I’ll likely never own an original Picasso, or Monet, or Matisse. At least I’ve got my health, right? Right? Damn.

Peace, people.

I Need a Hug

The awful illnesses that have infected Studly Doright and I seem to be slowly drawing to an end. I watched a hamburger chain’s advertisement for a double thick steak burger last night without feeling the need to run to the bathroom to puke up the chicken broth I’d just sipped on for an hour. It’s a harbinger of better days to come, just as the first robin signifies Spring’s beginning. Less poetic, but the same.

Studly seems to be coughing less and he doesn’t fade in and out when walking through a room with white painted walls. He’d make a great spy if all the walls in a given location were bone white. Walk right in, seize the classified documents, walk right out.

One of the worst things about being ill at the same time with one’s partner, only with two different types of viruses or infections is that we can’t hug lest we give each other what we’ve got.

“Here, Studly, my love, have a week of puking up everything you even think about wanting to eat.”

“Sure Nana, my goddess, why don’t you enjoy hacking your head off for a change of pace.”

I really need a hug. Studly might need one, too. We’ve patted each other on our respective heads and arms, and then quickly moved to sanitize our hands lest germs be transferred in this manner.

Maybe that’s why last night (in my dreams, of course) I had an intense make out session with Gerard Butler. I woke up feeling immensely more cheerful.

Peace, people.

The Flu or Something Even More Hideous

Readers, I’m sick. Studly Doright is also sick. We both have different symptoms. His are upper respiratory in nature, mine have kept me tethered to the toilet. Fun, fun, fun.

We’ve had to take turns caring for one another over the past four days. Neither of us are good nurses under the best conditions, and certainly these conditions aren’t good.

I hope we’re both headed towards our own warped versions of normal. In the meantime, this little girl has been my constant companion.

Patches would’ve made a fine nurse.

Artistic Inspiration

On my recent trip to Austin I spent a bit of time admiring works of art displayed in the Bass Concert Hall on the University of Texas campus. This piece, “Let the Big World Turn” by Molly Bennett, caught my eye:

The circle is a collage comprised of pieces of paper arranged in an aesthetically pleasing design. I thought it was lovely and decided I could try my hand at creating something on a smaller scale.

Let’s just say I wasn’t very successful.

Nevertheless, I’m going to give it another try. I believe my pieces of paper need to be smaller. And I should probably have some kind of a plan for the composition. Also, it might need more cowbell:

https://goo.gl/images/eGRuhU

A No-Spoilers, Non-Review of Avengers Infinity War

A list of ten reasons to see Avengers Infinity War:

1) Lots of amazing storylines that even I could keep straight.

2) Chris Hemsworth-This man. Whoa!

3) Chadwick Bozeman-Yum.

4) Chris Pratt–adopt him or make out with him? Decisions, decisions.

5) Danai Gurira–I love her in The Walking Dead, and even more so in the Black Panther films. She’s not even a superhero, just a badass gorgeous woman.

6) Letitia Wright–she stole the Black Panther film with her adorable brilliance. Her character doesn’t get to show her quirky side in this film, but you know it’s hiding just beneath the surface.

7) Peter Dinklage–Tyrion Lannister supersized!

8) Everyone else–what a cast.

9) Not a single dull moment.

10) Special effects–amazing. It takes a lot to thrill me with special effects nowadays, but this film did just that. Dr. Strange alone is a marvel (see what I did there?)

I didn’t mention to Studly Doright that I was going to see this film yesterday. His sciatica won’t let him sit through a movie at the theatre, so let’s just keep this secret between ourselves, shall we?

Peace, people!

An Entry into the Realm of WTF

Remember buying candy cigarettes? I do. I’d walk around pretending to inhale before dramatically exhaling, sometimes imagining elegant smoke rings emanating from the tip of my fake filtered Winston.

Even as a child I knew that was rather messed up. We didn’t yet have the surgeon general’s warning on actual packs of smokes, but my mom still lied to her mom about smoking, so why was it okay for me to make-believe I smoked?

Candy cigarettes didn’t even taste good. I’m fairly certain they could’ve substituted for blackboard chalk in a pinch, but that never deterred me from indulging my fantasy addiction. Thank goodness they became politically incorrect and disappeared from store shelves. For the record, I’ve never smoked. Maybe they acted as a deterrent.

At least candy cigars had some flavor. They were bubble gum, though, rather than candy. One might still be able to purchase candy cigars. Perhaps Prince Charles handed some out after the birth of the newest royal baby. I revel in that image.

There are still candies, though, that defy good taste. Like these I discovered in Walmart yesterday afternoon.

Apparently the candy “Zits” are stuck onto one’s face, then popped, and the resulting substance eaten. I say apparently because I’m not going to test them out. I feel like gagging.

Quick, I need a smoke.

Peace, people.

Thrift Store Finds

My decorating talents are weak, at best, and most of my efforts at making my home attractive are more miss than hit. That doesn’t keep me from trying, though.

Last week I dropped off some donations at a local thrift shop and thought I’d look around for artsy pieces while I was there. Usually I come away from such trips empty handed, but on this day I hit gold.

Okay, this first one is something most likely originally purchased at a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but I liked it and for $10 it looked like a winner. It’s a great piece for our den.

This one, though, was my favorite find.

It’s an original, most likely by an FSU art student, and fits nicely with the Guatemalan decor in our dining room. It only set me back $3.99.

One of my all-time best thrift store art finds, though, is this painting.

I think I gave $5.99 for it at a second hand shop when we lived in Melbourne, Florida, many years ago. It makes me happy. Isn’t that what art is supposed to do?

Peace, people.

O Canada!

On Thursday night I was bedeviled by a bout of insomnia. I’d broken a cardinal rule and continued reading well past what I’ve come to think of as the “sleep tipping point.” It’s that point when I can feel my eyelids drooping and my breaths relaxing into the rhythms of sleep.

If I’d put the kindle down in that moment I’d have been fine, but no. I was reading James Comey’s book, A Higher Loyalty, and had just gotten to the period of time following trump’s inauguration. There was no way I could stop. Soon I was wide awake and had swung in the opposite direction of the sleep tipping point.

Studly Doright’s sciatic pain awakened him around 11 p.m., so he went to the den to try resting on the couch for awhile. I finished the book just before midnight, and my brain was churning furiously. I checked my phone–another bad decision, but what the heck? I wouldn’t be sleeping for awhile anyway.

WordPress had a message for me. It said my stats were booming. “Well, well, well,” I thought. “Finally hit the big time.”

Actually, since this wasn’t my first rodeo that thought never crossed my mind at all. I reckoned, and rightly so, that someone had found my blog and had taken the time to read more than one post. I love it when that happens. I always picture someone very much like me sitting somewhere in the world making connections through our shared experiences.

When I looked on my stats page I saw this graphic:

Clearly someone from Canada liked my blog well enough to read 75 different posts. Whoever you are, thank you. This is for you.

https://youtu.be/-98Jg_4p_O8

Game Show Ponderings

Recently I submitted an online application to Ellen DeGeneres’s Game of Games television show. I answered a few simple questions, hit send, and promptly forgot about it. Then last week I received an email from someone on Ellen’s staff asking me to submit a brief video audition.

I hadn’t checked my email until late in the day and had only a few minutes to shoot something before their deadline. My audition was a very bland production, and I am sure it will get no farther than the first level of examination, but it was fun to briefly consider how I might fare on the show. I already had the grand prize of $100,000 spent several different ways.

If you’ve never seen the show, Ellen’s Game of Games is a hoot. Contestants compete in physical and/or mental challenges with the winner of each game advancing to a general knowledge round. The winner of that round goes on to play Hot Hands in which they must quickly identify people or objects that appear briefly on a screen. I’ve been practicing Hot Hands using Ellen’s app on my iPhone. I’m absolutely awful at it, but that’s another story.

Years ago I auditioned for Jeopardy. I didn’t make it past the first rounds, but a friend did and made it on to the show. Likewise, I passed the preliminary round for Who Wants to be a Millionaire, but wasn’t selected to be on the show. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a game show contestant. Perhaps I lack charisma. Naw, that can’t be it.

Last night I was watching Family Feud and considering which family members I might choose to play with me. My kids and Studly? My sisters-in-law? Decisions, decisions. Given my record of not being selected I guess it’s all an exercise in futility.

What about you? Have you ever been chosen to be a contestant on a game show? What shows do you see yourself auditioning for? I’m going to go practice Hot Hands again just in case I get the call.

Peace, people.