If You Give a Girl a Lime

If you give a girl a lime, she’s going to need a knife to cut it into wedges.

After you give her a knife, she’ll cut her finger slicing the lime, and ask for a band-aid.

You’ll get her a band-aid, but the sight of blood will make her woozy, so she’ll ask for some gin.

And once she has some gin, she’s going to need some tonic water.

Of course, she’ll need a glass to put the gin and tonic in.

Since she has a band-aid on her finger, she’ll ask you to squeeze the lime into the glass for her.

Once the gin and tonic and lime are in the glass, obviously, she’ll feel the need to stir, so she’ll ask for a swizzle stick.

After she stirs the gin and tonic, she’s going to need an ice cube or two.

Now that her drink is mixed, she’ll ask for some privacy.

If she repeats these steps several times, the girl is going to need another lime.

Studly Doright brought home one lime a couple of days ago. What’s a girl to do?

Who Is This Man?

Have you ever looked at your spouse and thought, “What the hell?” Maybe he or she has done something so out of character that you are briefly taken aback. Perhaps they’ve said something that makes you question your entire relationship.

Several years ago Studly Doright and I were seated at a booth in a restaurant in Champaign, Illinois. When the waiter took our drink order, Studly said, “I’ll have a gin and tonic.”

I almost fell out of my chair. You see, Studly rarely drinks, and when he does, he drinks beer. I felt like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Who was this guy sitting across from me and what had he done with my Studly? I was as close to having an out of body experience as I’ve ever been.

When our drinks arrived at the table I watched carefully as he took one sip, then another. Studly was actually drinking a gin and tonic. What other secrets was he keeping?

The gin and tonic period lasted roughly one summer. I bought limes and good gin and became a regular little bartender. Then abruptly Studly ended his affair with the drink and I watched the limes shrivel. Life was back to normal. I was the drinker and Studly was the sober one.

So for several years now, there have been no surprises. Until today, when I opened up a shopping bag from a local department store and discovered this:

A purple shirt. Studly, my guy who sticks to blacks and grays and greens, bought a purple shirt. Again, I feel like I’m in The Twilight Zone. What’s next? Will he begin reading the classics? Will he start quoting Shakespeare? I’m shaken to my core. God help us.

Peace, people.