Just Catty

Cats are infinitely superior to mere humans as this interview illustrates: Me: Good afternoon, Fluffy. Fluffy: Are you addressing me? Me: Well, yes. It is after all just the two of us in the room. Fluffy: I hadn’t noticed. (yawn) Me: Listen Fluffy, I want to get to know you better. Fluffy: Whatever for? Me: Well, to strengthen our bond. Fluffy: (Sniff) Me: What would make you happier? What do you need? Fluffy: I need it all. Everything. Sunshine. Insects. Birds. Food. Treats. Naps. A new feather on a stick. Your pillow. The clothing you had planned on wearing today. Me: About that. I notice that you feel the impulse to lay on anything I place on the bed. Can you explain that? Fluffy: The bed is mine. Everything on the bed is mine. Just remember, it’s all mine. If you want something of your own, get a dog. Me: We had a dog. You terrorized him. Remember? Fluffy: You mean that sniveling excuse of an animal you called Barney? He smelled like dog. Me: Well, he was one. Fluffy: That was no excuse. And he tried to lick me. Ew. Me: He just wanted to show you some affection, and you repaid him by sticking a claw in his left nostril. Fluffy: That was amusing. Too bad he had to go on a nice long vacation. Me: Barney was a good dog. Listen do you have any feelings for me at all. Fluffy: Such as? Me: Maybe gratitude. I buy only the best canned food. You always have fresh water. You get treats three times each day. I made your cat bed from the softest sheepskin I could find. You could at least purr once in awhile. Fluffy: Purr. Purr. Me: That wasn’t a real purr. I can tell the difference you know. Fluffy: I think it’s time for my nap now. Me: Not so fast! Would it kill you to let me pet you occasionally? Fluffy: Have I been vaccinated for that? Me: Forget it. I’m going to the store. Fluffy: Meow!?! (Purrrrrrrr, purrrrrrrr) Me: Oh, sweet kitty! I’ll bring you a new feather on a stick, yes I will! Mama’s little bitty kitty! Fluffy: Sucker.