Category: Commentary

Back in the Swim

About a year ago I was into swimming every morning at one of the city of Tallahassee’s great pools. My chiropractor had suggested working out in a heated pool as a comfortable way to stretch my less than athletically fit body. The workout was fun and after a month of water exercise my back felt better than it had in ages.

Then one morning my car, along with several others, was broken into while I was swimming. After smashing my driver’s side window, the thieves took my favorite handbag–one I’d bought in Guatemala–along with my credit cards, some cash, my identification, and even my passport. I’d always heard victims of robbery say they’d felt violated, but I never understood the meaning until I was faced with the reality myself. 

I didn’t feel safe anymore. My nerves were shot and I was almost too jumpy to drive for awhile. Forget returning to the pool. It held too many scary thoughts. For one thing, there’s really not a great place to leave one’s handbag or cellphone at the pool. Yes, there are lockers, but one can’t put a lock on one. It didn’t feel safe to keep my valuables in a bag poolside, either. Anyone could walk by and snatch it while I swam.

A few days ago I got the idea that perhaps someone out there sold waterproof packs that one could wear during swimming. A simple search of Google and voilà! I have a pair of waterproof pouches.


Made by Blue Sky Basics, the packs have enough space for my oversized cell phone, keys, and a wallet with room to spare. I can even pack my Kindle paperwhite if I so desire. Waterproofing is accomplished with multiple redundancies, including triple ziplock seals. 


An extra long adjustable strap allows the user to wear the pack around the his/her waist while swimming. I can’t wait to try the packs out!

Here’s the friendly customer service email I received from Blue Sky Basics. I thought it was a nice touch.

“Hello Leslie, 

Thank you so much for your order! 

We’re really happy an awesome person like you will soon be using our Waterproof Pouch with Waist Strap 2-Pack to keep your phone and valuables safe and dry! 

When you do, please go ahead and test out your new waterproof pouches at home so you can set off on your next aquatic adventure with total peace of mind! Simple instructions are included in the packaging. 

We’ve got you covered with our 100% Lifetime Satisfaction Guarantee . If, for any reason, you are not delighted, you can easily let me know by replying to this email. 
We will be happy to replace it for you absolutely free or assist you with a refund if you prefer. That’s our promise to you. 
As a small family-run business, we’re big on customer service and truly want you to be happy with your purchase. 
Thanks again and happy adventures! 
Warmest regards, 
Chris Hoaldridge, Co-founder, Blue Sky Basics”

Here’s their contact information if you’re interested. I have no agreement with Blue Sky Basics, and will receive no compensation for my endorsement of their product. 


Peace, people!

 

Blasts from the Past

Any time I receive a package in the mail I get a little giddy, especially if the package isn’t expected. Double bonus giddiness if the return address indicates the package is from a good friend. Triple that giddy feeling when my friend, Flo, is the sender.

In the past, Flo has sent me hilarious cards and quirky books of poetry, so I couldn’t wait to open her newest correspondence. True to form, Flo shared some great stuff.

The card made me laugh out loud:


But the treasures behind the card are blasts from the past:


This brochure on food freezers didn’t have a copyright date, but I’d place it in the late 50’s to early 60’s. Look how happy the model appears displaying her frozen peas! 

On page 4 of the brochure there’s a tutorial on how to wrap foods for freezing. I have questions: What’s a stockinette, and how have I lived without one for all these years?


Oh! On the next page I found the definition:


This little book has some excellent charts for novice and experienced freezer users. And even as I giggle at the vintage photos and verbiage I know I’ll consult these charts in the future. 


Also in the package from Flo was this little gem from 1966:


Is she plotting to kill her lover with a quick spoon to the jugular? Is that jar a receptacle for the resulting blood? Did Marlo Thomas pose for this artwork?


Yes, you too can be envied and appreciated for your food preserving skills. Yes, you might even receive applause! 

Again, even as I’m giggling over these I’m seriously daydreaming about the applause and accolades.

Crowd of Admirers: Ooooh! Ahhh! Bravo! 

Me: (blushing): Honestly, it was nothing! I just whipped up thirty quarts of pickled beets and nine pints of cactus jelly while simultaneously juggling twins on both hips and swinging from a crystal chandelier so my hard working husband can concentrate on the manly chores I’m unqualified to perform. All while wearing a starched white apron over a chiffon gown with my dainty feet balanced on three-inch heels. 

Because, I’m a woman!

https://g.co/kgs/LyVu11
Thanks, Flo! 

The Handmaid’s Tale: Not a Review

I’m rereading Margaret Atwood’s novel, The Handmaid’s Tale. This post-apocalyptic novel is absolutely chilling in light of all this abhorrent trump administration holds dear. 

I swear the first time I read the book many years ago I didn’t get all the ramifications. Now, they’re hitting me right between the eyes. If you’ve never read it, I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Peace and vigilance, people.

Sophomore Year

In 1973 I was a sophomore at Floydada High School in Floydada, Texas. I know this because as I was cleaning out a closet today my yearbook from that year fell from one of the top shelves and landed on my big toe. I cursed. Loudly. Then of course I had to sit for awhile and thumb through this piece of vintage gold.

This is my class photo. I was a plain child and obviously something of a snob. Look at my disdainful expression:

“Let them eat cake!”

I was also thin enough that if I turned sideways all that was visible was my nose. Man, I loved that belt:

Cyrano de Bergerac with the coolest belt in the history of belts.

That’s me with a tenor sax in my hands. I could play passably well, but never could match the others in my section.
There’s that nose again. At least it made me a standout.
I think this one was taken of our Future Teachers of America group.
Not a bad photo of me. I learned early on that I didn’t have a good side.
I adore this one because it pictures most of my closest friends from high school.

Okay, I’m through resting my toe. Back to work.

Peace, people!

Excoriate

Excoriate is one of those wonderful words that comes close to being onomatopoeic, at least in my mind.


One cannot say excoriate without making the harsh, almost abrasive sound reminiscent of sandpaper on wood. The word is one I find myself using often these days, more for its secondary definition than its primary; although, I can make both work in this poem.

                          EXCORIATE

Come clean, down to the brass tacks with steel wool, superfine grit sandpaper, and elbow

Grease. We hold these truths to be self evident, you elitist bastards, that ALL humans

Equally created have an irrefutable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Try as you might you cannot scrub these words from the collective memory of this country.

Call Me a Cab

I know my posts have been either political or floral lately. Here’s one that’s neither. Enjoy. And if there’s a 9-year-old in your life, share these with him/her.

P

And my favorite, in spite of the spelling and grammatical errors:

Peace and giggles, people.

Ear Worm

Since I saw La La Land this damn song has been stuck in my head. In an attempt to get rid of “City of Stars,” I’m giving it to you. And you. And you, too.

https://youtu.be/cZAw8qxn0ZE

Death and Facials

One of the nicest things I do for myself is to schedule regular facials. I’m fortunate to live near an Aveda Institute where students in the noble art of esthetics practice their burgeoning skills on willing participants for a fraction of the cost of the same service at a regular salon. 

My esthetician today was poised and competent. From the initial handshake I could tell I was in for a great experience with Madeline, and I wasn’t disappointed. But this post isn’t about her; it’s about me, as always.

Not long after I’d gotten settled on the table and Madeline began her routine my mind started wandering. Not to a happy place on a beach, or to a ski resort in the alps, but to my future deathbed. Yes, I’m weird that way.

I thought about how many times I’ve gotten a special, one time only event totally wrong. Like the year my sorority in Kansas chose me as their sweetheart. I believe my exact words were, “You’re sh***ing me!”

Or the one time a good looking teenage boy picked up my teenaged self and flirtatiously threw me into a swimming pool. Again, I believe my exact words were, “You’re shi***ing me!” 

So I began rehearsing my deathbed speech. Oddly enough, it started with, “You’re sh***ing me!”

Naw. Just kidding. In my fantasy I told everyone gathered around me how much I loved them, and recounted one beautiful memory from my time with each individual. It was moving. I hope I can remember all this when the time comes. But if all else fails there’s always the old standby. 

Free Press; Screw Trump, Round 2

In the wake of tRump banning several mainstream journalists from today’s White House briefing I’m just gonna leave these right here: