I Don’t Mean to be Difficult, and Yet

I tend to be an annoying person. One would think that since I’m aware of this tendency that I’d be able to temper my behavior and know when to cease and desist. One would be wrong.

Even in the midst of my most annoying times, and even as my brain is yelling at me to shut the hell up, I continue along the path of greatest annoyance. It’s a talent of sorts, I suppose.

Take my new dairy-free, mostly vegan diet for example. Any time I have an opportunity to dine with someone other than Studly Doright, I lecture myself about how to handle my food requirements.

“Listen, Leslie,” that’s what I call myself. “Just peruse the menu, and don’t make a big deal of your dietary restrictions. No one else at the table needs to hear what you can and can’t eat. Just order and be done with it.”

Easy enough, right?

Instead, once I’m in the actual ordering situation I’m all, “Hey, do the shrimp lettuce wraps contain any dairy? I can’t eat any dairy, and you do not want to be around me if I accidentally ingest anything with dairy. The gas emissions alone are enough to choke a grown man, and I’m not talking about an average grown man here. I’m talking about The Rock or even Chuck Norris in his prime. And then, the bouts of diarrhea and/or constipation are absolutely devastating. I’ve lost 22 pounds over the course of two bouts of digestive distress brought on, perhaps, by my intake of dairy products. And you know, I’m not technically a vegan; however, I know that vegan fare is totally dairy free, so it’s safe for my digestive system and won’t result in a bout of the squirts and the subsequent resulting hemorrhoids, so that’s why I’m asking about the shrimp lettuce wraps, in case you wondered, which you probably didn’t, but still….”

About half a sentence into the above ramble, my brain is calling me all sorts of awful names and warning me that I’m going to die alone, friendless, and unloved if I don’t stop speaking immediately. Do I listen? Naw. Stupid brain.

So, I’m having lunch with a friend on Thursday. My self lecture has begun, but this time I’m thinking about applying duct tape to my mouth and merely pointing at my food choices. That’ll work, right?

Author: nananoyz

I'm a semi-retired crazy person with one husband and two cats.

22 thoughts on “I Don’t Mean to be Difficult, and Yet”

  1. so ….sit at different tables. Then, after you order and the smoke clears….join your friend……or, order what you want then after lunch, go sit in your back yard , in very old clothes, in a plastic lawn chair…and release the hounds !!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad I read this prior to breakfast… 🙂
    I will say that I can empathize as my oldest daughter has dairy issues. I’m sure she wouldn’t find your story as amusing as I did.

    But, in hopefully brighter news–guess what I made yesterday? Gazpacho!!
    I was truly inspired by your post, and the fact that it’s hovering at 90 degrees here and so thought to myself, “Deb, it can’t be horrid so give it a go.”
    I used a combo of the recipe you noted in your post along with a few additions from a recipe I found in my AARP newsletter. Can I just say YUM! and also I cannot believe I waited about a bazillion years to try this stuff. That was before it even chilled so today, along with some little pieces of grilled shrimp and avocado as garnish, I am going to enjoy this wondrous concoction. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate. People who go to lunch or dinner with me know I have to order last because I have dietary issues. I always have to have food rearranged without this or that tailored to meet my health needs, plus I’m allergic to various foods. So my friends and family know I go last, ask questions, and then come up with something I can eat. They are used to it. It is what it is. I just say I have dietary issues. That usually covers it and people at the restaurants seem to try to accommodate my health needs.

    Liked by 1 person

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