This is a post I won’t share on Facebook. It’s just between you and me. My feelings are hurt, and I feel unreasonably angry, so help me know how to handle this situation.
Studly Doright has been working in Orlando all this week and is set to return home tonight. He called last evening to give me an update, and we chatted for a few minutes before he had to meet his coworkers for dinner.
I told him I’d gotten my haircut and jokingly said, “You might mistake me for a Bob or a Tom when you get home.”
Silence.
“Are you still there?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’m probably not going to like it.”
Just like that, my night felt ruined. I stammered something, trying to laugh it off, but it hurt and now I’m dreading seeing him when he arrives home tonight.
So, how would you have reacted? How do I handle his homecoming?
Praying for Eyebrowz 
If he’s not into Bobs, give him a Curtsey
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May I head butt him while I’m in that position?
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What a good idea 🙂
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I’m tempted to purchase a cheap wig and wear it when he gets home.
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Another good one 🙂
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Oh wow…☹ Yeah I don’t blame you for that feeling hurtful. Remember though a week from now he will be used to it as will you!
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Truth!
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You know…I had a man vs look issue last night as well. Not to generalize, but men just don’t get it when we talk about our hair, or face or bodies. (FYI I’m irrationally pissed off right now- so I might not be the right one to ask)
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Oh, I was so needing your take on this.
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It’s not that they’re insensitive, but they just don’t think about what their words mean
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Ironically, my husband is considered one of the top “coaching/counselor” types in his organization. He’s the guru on team building and morale. To me that makes this even worse. It seemed like a deliberate attempt to hurt my feelings.
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I so get that!! They concentrate on it in certain circles, but forget that you need to practice at home too!!
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In my case, my husband has never made such a statement before. I can tell if he’s not crazy about a hair cut or color, but he’s never just flat out said he doesn’t like something. For him to preemptively not like my haircut really pissed me off.
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I don’t blame you! He didn’t even see it!! I’d be the same way!!
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Well that wasn’t nice 😦
I’m sorry that he chose to make a judgement before even seeing you.
I have no idea what your typical relationship is, but it seems that this may be an atypical response from him?? My gut says don’t ignore it and let him know that he hurt you and why. He can sure have his own opinions but that was mean. Call him out on it and then, because I hope you like your new cut, go out and enjoy yourself without for a bit!
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This was an atypical response. Generally I know if he really likes something or if he isn’t crazy about it, but he’s not the kind of guy who tells me “that’s pretty!” Or “ew!” I’m used to no comment at all, so this was really hurtful.
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Atypical I get, but that isn’t an excuse, nor is any other reason really.
In my past I would have ignored something like this and then let the resentment grow. Did that all through my marriage until I couldn’t anymore. I still say calmly let him know because his response was not okay.
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I will. I’m going to be calm and reasonable, and just tell him I found it hurtful.
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Definitely an in-artful response on his part. I suppose you’ll have to have that difficult conversation later. So sorry… hang in there, this too shall pass. – Marty
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Like a kidney stone….
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I like your strategy to be calm and reasonable while you explain to him that it was hurtful. If he is like my husband, he will act surprised and wonder how you found that hurtful. In that case, I would just restate my reason, sorry you don’t like it, and then smile and let it go. You can’t very well return it for your former hair cut so I would then change the subject and move onto to something happier. Good luck and hope it goes well for you both!
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You are most likely right and he’ll have no idea he said anything hurtful.
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Quite honesty, you may not like my answer. If he or any guy said to me he wouldn’t like my hair then I would have told him that if he was that shallow then he should just stay in Orlando until it grew out. Or better yet. Permanantly. We women need to stand up for our rights. What gives a man the right to tell us whether or not they like our haircut or not. If you didn’t like his haircut you would;t purposely hurt his feelings would you? So what gives him the right?
If YOU don’t like it then you are entitled to say you aren’t happy with the cut, not tip the hair dresser or never go back to him or her. But how dare a guy you are dating tell you without even seeing you that he won’t like your hair. Think of all the women who have cancer and have lost their hair. If their partners don’t like how they look then they didn’t love them in the first place. His reaction made me angry!
I am 69 years old. In my youth I modeled and was very pretty. I’m a grandmother now. I look pretty good for my age, but I am still my age. AND I still have good hair. But if any man told me they didn’t like my hair, my make-up, my clothing or whatever I would tell them to take a hike. Women are MORE than our looks. Can you tell I have been married twice? LOL I learned after the first husband that I needed a backbone and to feign confidence even if I didn;t really have it.
I will never forget being in my twenties and 8 months pregnant with my oldest son and my first husband telling me I looked like a big white whale. Gee, just what every girl wants to hear when she’s hormonal. Obviously, that marriage didn’t last long. (We split when my son was ten months old.)
My second husband passed away in his 50’s and was 7 years younger than I. But he knew enough to say something like… “You always look great to me.” Whether it was true or not, he made me feel beautiful. We had plenty of disagreements but it was NEVER over how I looked. Any man who judges a woman negatively on her looks needs to be kicked to the curb. He died of pancreatic cancer. He was down to 112 pounds and had tubes in his stomach and I still saw the handsome athletic guy I married, not the shell of a man who had cancer. He was embarrassed about how he looked and I told him he was still a hunk.
You got a bad hair cut. So what??? It will grow back. Why should you feel insecure? If he is so shallow that he cannot even handle that what is he going to be like if G-d forbid you get sick?
Get hold of yourself and stop worrying about being a beauty queen. If he loves you he will love you no matter what. My oldest son is 45 and is losing his hair. He is married and has 3 kids. Would his wife leave him because he will be bald some day?
** Project confidence. Say, ” I don’t like my hair, but it is a good thing I am so awesome that it does’t matter!!” Do NOT underestimate yourself!!!
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Well, we’ve been married for 42 years. He’s never been demonstrative and compliments aren’t his thing. But this is the first time he’s ever hurt my feelings like this. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt—at least until I talk to him.
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I like your idea of wearing a wig – the wildest one you can find. My dad used to go on and on about how he loved redheads even though my mom was salt (mostly) and pepper. So she decided it was time to color her hair but dyed it bright red before going to the dark brown of her youth. I don’t remember what my dad said when he saw her cooking dinner with flaming red hair. I do remember that he never once mentioned how much he loved redheads after that (to my knowledge). Yeah, Mom. 🙂
Also if you wear a wild wig he will be appreciative of your hair however you choose to wear it. Keep us posted.
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I love that story!
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Maybe I should turn it into a flash fiction! You are an inspiration, Leslie.
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Yay!
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I’m late to the party. I’m sorry he hurt your feelings and you should probably let him know that without making a big deal of it, esp since it was uncharacteristic. But let’s consider a different way to talk about it. I’m going on 36 years of marriage. We feel comfortable about discussing each other’s haircuts. Lord knows we all have bad hair days and sometimes we try changing things up. It bothers me not one wit (ok. maybe it bothers me one or two wits) if he says he preferred the other way. Sometimes I feel the same way about his hair.
If I said, “Which dress should I wear?” He has a few possible responses available to him: #1. I prefer the red one. #2. Which do you feel more comfortable in? #3. You look great in anything darling. #4. hm? Did you say something?
#1 – Legit reply. He has a preference! yay. #2 – that’s thoughtful & sweet but he is not engaging on the decision at hand. #3 – He is blowing smoke and brushing off the question. #4 – He really has no preference. He doesn’t care at all: the worst.
SD has a preference about your hair!! That is a wonderful thing. He is paying attention. He cares. Your hair is not you! Hair length is transitory. This will last about 10 minutes. I think we can do these tiny adjustments for each other and respond to simple preferences if it is not burdensome. BUT. If YOU really love your hair short then that is a different matter. A simple “oh shoot. Sorry you don’t like it. I am very comfortable this way. I’m going to try it like this for a while. We can revisit the issue next fall if you feel strongly”
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You’re so right, of course. I did let him know he’d hurt my feelings. He didn’t realize how harsh he’d sounded on the phone, and he apologized.
He isn’t one for giving compliments or critiques, although, he is very observant.
He’ll say, “You got new glasses.”
There’s no “I like them,” or “Your old ones were better.”
I usually know to let the whole thing slide rather than ask him if he likes them. So when he just said he wasn’t going to like my new cut without even having seen it, I was taken aback.
Neither of us sleeps well when the other one is traveling, so I think being tired played a part both in his comment and in my reaction to it.
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Obviously, I didn’t know you were married. And if it’s been for 42 years then I suppose you’ve figured out how to make a marriage work, so I hope I didn’t offend you. Being a widow and having been divorced , life has forced me to be more assertive with my thoughts and comments. My friends who are single through death or divorce continuously talk about how inconsiderate men can be so the majority of us stopped dating for that reason. Men in their 60’s tend to want to be taken care of but no matter what they look like or their age, they have the self confidence of a young man. It is astonishing. And intelligent beautiful women are insecure about so many things when men don’t worry about what their significant other will think. They always think they are great! If he’s been with you for 42 years obviously he still thinks you are awesome.
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I appreciated your thoughts! I know several single men who totally fit your description. They keep looking for the right woman, but their definition of “right” means someone who’ll be their caretaker.
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Exactly! Obviously in a committed relation you care for one another, but there seems to be an abundance of men my age who want to be waited on hand and foot.
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You could try guilting him. I’m Jewish so a little Jewish guilt does work now and then. Tell him that thank goodness it’s just a short haircut and you aren’t losing hair from chemo. That should shut him up and make him realize how silly his comment was. I would tell him his words hurt your feelings. Let him know. Perhaps next time he’ll be more thoughtful.
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We talked about how he’d hurt my feelings. I don’t think he meant it to be as harsh as it sounded over the phone.
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