Put Her In, Coach

Inside the locker room at USA High

Coach Stern: Well team, I’ve got some bad news. Barry’s dad got a promotion and his family’s moving to Hawaii.

(Assembled team gasps.)

Running Back: But, Coach, he’s our quarterback! We can’t win without Barry! 

Noseguard: He’s brought us back from so many deficits. We’re doomed!

Coach Stern: Settle down everyone. I know we’re all gonna miss Barry. He’s probably the best QB we’ve had here at USA High, and he’ll be a tough act to follow.

Fullback: So, Coach, who ya got in mind to wear the quarterback’s jersey? We’ve got a couple of big games coming up. All the scouts are gonna be there.

Coach Stern: As it happens, I have two prospects in mind.

(Team members make random noises of curiosity.)

Coach Stern: One’s a seasoned player. She’s never been the quarterback, but she backed one up for years. And she’s studied every aspect of the game. Smart as hell to boot. 

Right Tackle: A chick!? Is she tough enough? Does she have the stamina to lead us?

Coach Stern: She’s got stamina like you wouldn’t believe. Almost impossible to knock down. If she were a guy she’d have been quarterback years ago.

Punter: She’s still a girl!

(Team makes assorted grumbling noises.)

Coach Stern: I thought some of you might say that, so here’s the story on the other prospect. He’s never played a single down. Heck, he tried to give our game plans to the crosstown rivals.

(Team makes angry noises.)

Safety: You mean he sold us out to Russkie Prep? 

Coach Stern: Yep. That’s exactly what he did. And he groped a couple of our cheerleaders without their permission.

Safety: Anything else?

Coach Stern: Well, he is real unpredictable, and we aren’t even sure if he’ll study the playbook. He’s a sore loser, too, as far as we can tell. Never takes responsibility for anything.

Wide Receiver: So why is he even under consideration?

Coach Stern: Well, he’s a guy. And he brags a lot. 

Tailback: Do we get a vote on this Coach?

Coach Stern: Damned straight, you do. So vote. Vote wisely. The school’s reputation depends on it.

Left Tackle: It’s a no brainer Coach. I’m with her.

(Sounds of unanimous agreement, like”Hell yes!” “Damned straight!)