One Should Never Ever…

Binge watch “Criminal Minds” when one’s spouse is out of town.

Eat a double helping of refried beans before bedtime.

Text while driving.

Text while drunk.

Make small talk with crazy people.

Return to the scene of a crime.

Investigate things that go bump in the night.

Look when someone tells you not to look.

Take a sedative after eating prunes.

Spit into the wind.

Spit, period, unless the dental hygienist tells you to.

Pass gas in an elevator.

Piss off a grandmother.

Forget that all babies are beautiful in their Momma’s eyes.

Cut one’s own bangs with cuticle scissors.

Get a fit of the giggles at a funeral.

Wear hole-y underwear.

Dancing With My Grandaddy

There are people in our lives who we realize early on are so central to our well-being that if we should lose them we would struggle to go on. My Grandaddy was one of those people. He was a tall, straight-talking Texan. Square of jaw and handsome in the John Wayne mold, he was the first man I ever loved.

When I was very young, my mother and biological father divorced and she and I lived with her parents, my Grandaddy and Nanny, for a time. I know this was a very difficult living arrangement for Mom, but for me, it was heaven. As the only grandchild I was spoiled rotten by three adults. Yes, pure, unadulterated heaven.

I remember tagging along with Grandaddy to early morning coffee. We’d sit with the local farmers, ranchers, and assorted businessmen who gathered daily at Leonard’s Cafe to solve the problems of the county. Standing up in the booth beside Grandaddy, I thought I was a grown up. He’d ask my opinion and listen with respect. After coffee we would go to the Fina station he owned, where I manned the counter and tried to stay out of the way. I’d go with him to the bank and he’d let me make the deposit. I really thought I worked for him.

Grandaddy smelled like Cigars and Old Spice. He smelled like home and safety and love. There was no place on earth like his lap.

Eventually my mom remarried giving me my Daddy, the second man I ever loved, but that’s a tale for another day. My brothers came along, my mom’s siblings had children, and soon I was no longer the only grandchild. But here’s the best part. Grandaddy’s lap could magically accommodate as many grandchildren as were present. And he managed to make each of us feel special.

I asked my brothers and my cousins to volunteer their favorite memories of Grandaddy:

“I remember when he had a comb-over and got caught in a gust of wind. I thought that was the funniest thing. He and Nanny, along with the chamber of commerce came to Houston, Jack brought them all to Gilleys. We had so much fun. That’s when I discovered how hip they really were. We went to lake Sommerville, his car broke down and Bubba fixed it. From then on he thought Bubba hung the moon. I think about him all the time and wish he was here to see all our grand babies. What a legacy he started!”. –Crystal.

The smell of his tobacco, his wisdom, his wit, sitting in his lap when i was little, the way he only had to look at me with those Jarrett eyes and I knew i better think twice before i did what I was thinking..lol, so much more….but most of all.. when he and nanny came to houston with uncle jack, Richard, mom, and a few more, we were somewhere that had a dance floor, and Granddaddy and I danced (waltzed) to “Waltz across Texas with you”, something I will never forget! He was a great man and I miss him and Nanny both everyday of my life. –Trena

When he and Kelly and I went to Ruidoso and stayed in the trailer and I fell in the creek and was afraid my “dollars” wouldn’t be any good anymore!! And as Trena said his smell!!!! I miss that most I think???Brent

He let me “drive” his gas truck. By drive, I mean he let me sit in his lap and hold the steering wheel while he drove but I sure thought I was driving! –Kelly

I never did get to dance with my Grandaddy. I wish I had, but for some reason, the opportunity never arose. We thought we had forever with him, but then he was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma. He fought for eight long painful years, but the cancer stole his spirit long before it took his life. In those last years he was just a shadow of the strong, larger than life man who’d held each of us on his lap.

The Grandaddy of my youth still visits my dreams now and then. In them he is robust and handsome, and he smells like cigars and Old Spice. When he asks me to dance, I always say yes.

Peace, People.

Shopping Lust

I’ve heard it said that in the heat of battle a warrior falls prey to battle lust, ignoring injuries and damning consequences. This intense involvement in the fight allows him to soldier on until the adrenaline fades and he has either won, or lost, the day. Shopping can be a lot like that. Really.

You see, we’ve needed bedding for awhile now, and every time I’m in a department store I venture into the rows of pretty comforters and quilts hoping to find just the right thing, in the right color, at the right price. We have one of those huge king beds that requires oversize bedding. When one purchases a comforter, bed skirt, decorative pillows, and shams the cost can be considerable. Some I looked at cost more than my first car. No joke.

Today I found a sale. A glorious bedding sale at Macy’s. Fifty percent off select styles. Note the word “select.” Now, I’m not one for buying a matched set when it comes to bedding. I like to mix it up. The sales lady and I were running around her department like Vikings caught up in our glorious battle. Soon I’d found a great coverlet in an extra large size. She spotted some shams and pillows and I scored the bed skirt. We laid them out and and gloated over our finds, reveling in our shopping prowess. I might have raised my hands in drunken victory. It was all so darned pretty!

We chatted merrily as Melva (we became quite good friends) rang it all up. I paid with my credit card. We congratulated ourselves some more. Then I carried all of my purchases out of the mall and to my car. Happily I began driving away.

That’s when the shopping lust faded and reality set in. I’d spent how much? I pulled over at the Sonic drive in and ordered a large diet cherry limeade to calm me down. I dug through my purse to find my receipt. Of all the things I’d bought, only one, the deep purple decorative pillow, was “select.” Blinded by shopping lust I forgot to look for “select.” Damn “select!”

So, what do I do? Drive home and explain to Studly that I was overcome by lust and it’ll never, ever happen again? Return everything and look for “select” styles? Maybe I should sleep on it. After all, I have new bedding.

Peace, People!

Now That’s One Fine Looking Zombie

If you could see my Kindle library you might note a significant number of books totally devoted to the macabre, and a large subset dealing with the subject of Zombies. Zombies are the new black. They’re everywhere–in literature, movies, television, behind shrubbery, probably lurking around the next corner ready to eat whatever brains I have left.

Yesterday I watched an awful B movie called “Diary of a Zombie.” Did I mention it was awful? Yet, I watched every minute with my feet tucked up in my chair to prevent any skulking members of the walking dead from feasting on my prettily painted toenails. I once watched 45 minutes of an exercise infomercial because without my glasses on I mistook the title “Zumba!” for “Zombie!”

Presently I’m reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies a reworking of Jane Austen’s classic tale with a liberal sprinkling of zombies added in. A die-hard Austen fan might be horrified to find the sisters of the Longbourn family as accomplished in warfare against the “unfortunate scourge” as they are in the arts of needlepoint and the playing of the pianoforte, but I am delighted. Author Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel is soon to be made into a movie, and I cannot wait to watch Elizabeth Bennet singlehandedly dispatch a variety of zombies including the caroling Hellford family who have become “unmentionables” due to some unfortunate circumstance.

Three of my favorite books in the zombie genre (zombre?) are World War Z by Max Brooks, a much more satisfying read than the movie might lead one to believe; Scott Kenemore’s Zombie, Ohio: A Tale of the Undead; and Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry. Have a desire to mix tales of zombies and superheroes? Then try the Ex-Heroes series by Peter Clines. Google, “Zombie Books List” for more titles than any zombie loving geek (should we be “zeeks”?) can read in a year.

No brief discussion of zombies in current pop culture would be complete without a mention of “The Walking Dead.” Even my non-zeek spouse is into the popular AMC series. I’ve almost convinced him we need to plant pointy stakes around the perimeter of our home, but he has no intention of buying me a crossbow.

Chances are I will never encounter an actual zombie. And that’s a really good thing. So, why am I, and so many like me, fascinated by the walking dead? I’ve read some research that points to an increased interest in zombie literature during times of widespread financial depression. In a way, this makes sense. After all, what lifts one spirits more than fantasizing about the dead rising from the grave in order to stalk and devour the living? Truly, an “it could always be worse” mentality. Maybe zombie stories are a way of dealing with our own mortality. “Hey, being dead could be fun! Come eat some nice intestines!”

In any case, I’m ready for zombies should they ever become a reality. My brains are filled with all sorts of nutritious grey matter and my best run is more of a fast limp. They’ll love me almost as much as I love them.

Peace, People!

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Gorenado

Imagine, if you will, the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Suddenly, a storm of epic proportions descends on the cobble stone streets. Encased within, the makings of a mighty funnel cloud barreling along and scooping up everything in its path. Angry bulls, frightened runners, petrified spectators, toreadors, picadors, and matadors enveloped in a…Gorenado!

Several days later and thousands of miles away, in Great Bend, Kansas, a group of students enjoy their after lunch recess on the playground of a small elementary school. On duty staff notice a shift in the winds and begin calling the students to wrap up their play. Darkness rapidly descends and rain drops the size of mushrooms speed the children on their way to safety.

A lone librarian rushes to assist a kindergartener who has fallen in the rush when from the sky drops a raging bull, head lowered, ready to charge. The librarian places the child behind her and they begin backing away from the bovine. The bull snorts and paws the earth. There is no way for the librarian to get the child to safety in time. Death seems imminent. Until a mighty matador descends from the cloud, waving his cape and diverting attention from the woman and her charge.

With the bull’s focus on the brave matador, the librarian scoops the frightened child into a protective embrace and runs for safety. The students and staff have gathered at the cafeteria windows to watch wide-eyed as the matador sweeps the bull under his cape of crimson. The librarian especially cannot take her eyes from the skilled Spaniard. When the bull is calmed and subdued through a variety of humanitarian maneuvers, the matador secures the now docile animal to a basketball goal.

The librarian rushes out to thank her savior, her emerald green eyes glistening with unshed tears of gratitude.

“Thank you, sir. You surely saved my life and the life of the child.”

“Que?”

Realizing the handsome matador knew no English, the librarian said the only thing she could, “Gracias! Gracias, señor!”

He bowed and took her small, white hand into his large tan one, planting a gentle kiss on her dainty knuckles. In the background, the bull snorted contentedly.

Would love follow for our librarian and her matador? Would more bulls drop onto the Kansas plains wreaking havoc and spurring desire? Would gorenados supplant sharknados as the new scourge of the earth? Questions that can be answered only in “Gorenado 2; It Only Hurts When I Sneeze.”

Peace, People!

No Bucket

There will be no bucket kicking for me when the time comes. Instead, I’ll be flinging a champagne flute and relishing the sound of breaking glass as I bid adieu to this life. All the same, I do have a list of things I’d like to do before my final day on earth. Thus…

My Champagne Flute List

1. Walk the runway in a fashion show. I’m not picky, either. Walmart, Kmart, I’m ready to strut in style.

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2. Score backstage passes for any of the following acts:
A) Huey Lewis and the News (yes, they’re old, but I still have a tremendous crush on Huey)
B) Katy Perry (she fascinates me)
C) The Rolling Stones (of course)
D) Sir Paul (duh)

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3. Sing in a rock and roll band. Preferably my own, but I’m open to suggestions.

4. Learn to play drums. Studly refuses to cooperate on this one. I can’t imagine why.

5. Tour Europe with a group of friends. None of those 10 countries in 11 days tours, either. I want a leisurely, relaxed tour with lots of wine and beer.

6. Take each of my grandchildren on individual, no holds barred expeditions to a destination of their choosing.

7. Spend a week at a spa with my daughter–one of those exclusive, all-inclusive places where we can relax and recover and talk.

8. Enjoy a drive through wine country with my son while listening to podcasts.

9. Corral my brothers and their families, my cousins and their families, and my children and grandchildren for a much needed family reunion.

10. Attend a Super Bowl with Studly, preferably with the Cowboys representing the NFC. Okay, any team. It doesn’t look like Jerry Jones plans on selling the team or hiring a real GM any time soon, and I’m not getting any younger.

11. Publish a novel and go on a major book tour.

I really need to start working on these. Cough. Cough. Another glass of wine, please.

Peace, People!

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(Un)Reality TV

So-called reality tv might just be the end of civilization as we know it. Who comes up with these ideas and why haven’t I been approached to star in one? I thought it might be fun to brainstorm some truly realistic programming. Feel free to add your own.

1) Real Couch Potatoes of North Florida
In this gripping show we’ll follow several middle aged women as they trek between bedroom and den and back again while simultaneously surfing the internet for shoe bargains. Look for spinoffs in places such as North Texas and North Dakota.

2) American Cat People
Assorted cat lovers will go through a series of auditions demonstrating their extreme interest in felines. Once the field has been whittled to 12 participants, viewers will vote each week until a winner is declared. First place gets a million dollar’s worth of catnip and an industrial strength pet hair removal tool.

3) Honey Muumuu
Follow the hilarious exploits of hula prodigy Honey Muumuu and her wacky family as they travel from one luau to another in a quest for fame based on an absolute dearth of talent and good taste.

4) American Tickers
Two guys with pacemakers go door to door looking for old microwave ovens.

5) Pawn Bars
Set in Las Vegas, New Mexico, this show highlights a pawn shop owning family in The Land of Enchantment as they drown their sorrows in a variety of local drinking establishments. Underling Bum Lee is especially captivating as the lovable loser with the wit and wisdom of a discarded gum wrapper.

6) Millionaire Matchmaker
I know, there’s already a show with this title, but in this iteration folks with a net worth in excess of a million dollars will actually be forced to work in a factory and learn to make matches.

7) Gassed and Proud
A group of strangers, all suffering from excessive flatulence will drive cross country in a 60’s era Volkswagon van to publicize, and potentially eradicate, the stigma of farting in public. At the end of their journey, the van will be auctioned off for charity.

8) Undercover Boss
In this version of the popular tv show, randomly selected employees discover that they’ve actually been sleeping with their employer for one entire pay period. Performance reviews take on a whole new meaning.

9) Judge Moody
Litigants will face off in a courtroom presided over by a judge suffering from extreme PMS. Expect judgements favoring decapitation and death by strangulation for even the pettiest of crimes.

10) Celebrity Knife Swap
D list celebrities feign interest in all things knife-related in this blatant attempt to jump start their dormant careers. Knife throwing and sharpening contests liven up this rather dull offering.

If any of these get picked up by a major network I’d like to volunteer for numbers 1 and 2 and to nominate Studly for #7. He’s a shoe-in.

Peace, People!

Twirling Queen

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I was born with the natural grace of a three-legged bull moose and the athletic prowess of a potholder, sad truths I learned at the tender age of six when my parents enrolled me in a baton twirling class.

Back in the day, baton twirling was a big deal, at least in Floydada, Texas. One of my earliest role models was Suzanne, the head twirler in the Floydada Whirlwind marching band. She looked like a blonde goddess in her short spangled green and white outfit, and my Uncle Jack was married to her older sister which almost made us relatives.

Each and every Friday night during football season mini-me waited expectantly for the twirlers to make their halftime appearance. I copied Suzanne’s every move with my imaginary baton. Twist, spin, toss, twirl, march, mega toss, catch. I was breathtaking.

So captivated with the art of twirling was I that I convinced my parents that twirling was the most important thing in my life. When the high school twirlers started a workshop for potential twirlers I was the first in line. Fortunately, the initial investment was minimal. Batons were cheap and as I recall lessons were fifteen dollars.

I remember vividly my first class. Suzanne and the other high school twirlers lined all of the participants up on the out of bounds lines in the gym. Even at six I was among the tallest, so I was placed at the very end of the line.

First, they showed us how to stand at attention with our batons. And then we got to march around the perimeter of the gym, heads held high, knees snapping up and down, left, right, left, at 90 degree angles. I couldn’t quite get the hang of marching. This was all much easier with my imaginary baton.

Then we stopped and learned the figure eight move. I twisted my wrist and magically the baton moved as I willed it. Faster, faster, I twirled. I was a regular twirling dervish. Next we tried to march and twirl the figure eight. I could do one, but not the other, at least not simultaneously. Twirl or march, twirl or march, which was it to be? Still at the end of the line I would stand stock still and twirl, then quickly march to catch up, stop and twirl again.

Apparently, this was not the desired outcome. After the lesson I saw Suzanne approach my dad. They looked at me, and Suzanne laughed and shook her head. On the ride home Daddy said Suzanne thought I should try learning another skill. I’d suspected as much, but it still crushed my little six year old heart.

I never looked at the twirlers in quite the same way after that; although, over the years I continued practicing the one skill I learned. I can still twirl the figure eight like nobody’s business. Just don’t expect me to march while I’m doing it.

Peace, People!

Cleaning Stalls and Taking Names

Summertime for the pre-teen set has always been a balance between excitement and boredom, and growing up in a small town often dips the scale towards the boredom end. I grew up in Floydada, Texas, a farming community, population 4,000, circa 1970, a very small town, indeed.

My brothers and I were “town kids” and spent summer days traipsing across Floydada in search of some activity to ease the boredom. At least once a week we walked to the county courthouse where the library was located. Before heading downtown, we would scrounge through the sofa cushions and dresser drawers in search of loose change so we could purchase “baby” soft drinks at Arwine’s Drugstore in downtown Floydada. The baby size cost a nickel and was always a welcome thirst quencher after our trek across town.

Not all of my summer was spent in the company of my siblings, though. Often I had the opportunity to hang around with LA (not her real name!) who I envied desperately due to her status as an only child. LA and I spent hours fantasizing about The Cowsills family singing group and how she was going to marry Barry and I was going to marry John and we would live next door to one another in Santa Monica, California. Happily ever after had our names all over it.

But, even our fantasies grew tiresome on occasion, so as we rode our bikes around Floydada we decided to do something to better our community. We had nothing specific in mind, but we continued to chat about the possibilities when we weren’t mentally picking out the swimsuits we’d be wearing when first meeting The Cowsills.

The idea for our service project came when we stopped at one of the gas stations on the main drag to use their restroom. Now, this was before the time of the convenience store, and the ladies’ room was outside, accessible only by key. The condition of the restroom was deplorable. The sink was a mess, paper towels were strewn about the floor, and the toilet–ugh!

Truly I cannot remember whether LA or I came up with the idea, but soon, we were cleaning that bathroom. We decided that folks passing through Floydada needed to see its good side, and that included nice bathrooms. So, for several weeks LA and I pedaled from service station to service station tidying up the bathrooms. Scandalously, we even ventured into the men’s rooms where we glimpsed our first urinals. Heavens! We were now mature women of the world.

Eventually summer ended as did our community service project. When we told our friends what we’d been up to they seemed more horrified than impressed. But there was something satisfying about doing a job no one else wanted, or even noticed. To heck with germs and dirt and potential disease! We were rebels without a clue, cleaning stalls and taking names.

Peace, People!