So-called reality tv might just be the end of civilization as we know it. Who comes up with these ideas and why haven’t I been approached to star in one? I thought it might be fun to brainstorm some truly realistic programming. Feel free to add your own.
1) Real Couch Potatoes of North Florida
In this gripping show we’ll follow several middle aged women as they trek between bedroom and den and back again while simultaneously surfing the internet for shoe bargains. Look for spinoffs in places such as North Texas and North Dakota.
2) American Cat People
Assorted cat lovers will go through a series of auditions demonstrating their extreme interest in felines. Once the field has been whittled to 12 participants, viewers will vote each week until a winner is declared. First place gets a million dollar’s worth of catnip and an industrial strength pet hair removal tool.
3) Honey Muumuu
Follow the hilarious exploits of hula prodigy Honey Muumuu and her wacky family as they travel from one luau to another in a quest for fame based on an absolute dearth of talent and good taste.
4) American Tickers
Two guys with pacemakers go door to door looking for old microwave ovens.
5) Pawn Bars
Set in Las Vegas, New Mexico, this show highlights a pawn shop owning family in The Land of Enchantment as they drown their sorrows in a variety of local drinking establishments. Underling Bum Lee is especially captivating as the lovable loser with the wit and wisdom of a discarded gum wrapper.
6) Millionaire Matchmaker
I know, there’s already a show with this title, but in this iteration folks with a net worth in excess of a million dollars will actually be forced to work in a factory and learn to make matches.
7) Gassed and Proud
A group of strangers, all suffering from excessive flatulence will drive cross country in a 60’s era Volkswagon van to publicize, and potentially eradicate, the stigma of farting in public. At the end of their journey, the van will be auctioned off for charity.
8) Undercover Boss
In this version of the popular tv show, randomly selected employees discover that they’ve actually been sleeping with their employer for one entire pay period. Performance reviews take on a whole new meaning.
9) Judge Moody
Litigants will face off in a courtroom presided over by a judge suffering from extreme PMS. Expect judgements favoring decapitation and death by strangulation for even the pettiest of crimes.
10) Celebrity Knife Swap
D list celebrities feign interest in all things knife-related in this blatant attempt to jump start their dormant careers. Knife throwing and sharpening contests liven up this rather dull offering.
If any of these get picked up by a major network I’d like to volunteer for numbers 1 and 2 and to nominate Studly for #7. He’s a shoe-in.
Peace, People!
Praying for Eyebrowz 