Tag: humor

I Wish

For as long as I remember
I wish has been part of the
Vocabulary shaping me
Shaking me time and again.

I wish I were cuter
Smarter, funnier
I wish I were shorter,
Sported a prettier smile.

I wish I were less awkward
Around members of the
Opposite sex and sales
Clerks in upscale stores.

I wish I’d been a more
Patient mother, less
Cranky, more careful and
Aware of the special times.

I wish I’d been a better
Daughter, sister, wife
Less selfish, open to the
Needs of others.

I wish I’d paid attention
All those times some
Everyday miracle occurred
Right here, right now.

From now on
I wish is
I will and
I am and will be.

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Baking for Dummy

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At Studly’s request I am making two pecan pies from semi-scratch. I don’t/can’t make my own pie crusts, but everything else in the pies is 100% homemade. As much as such things can be homemade–I mean I didn’t grow the sugar cane, nor did I create the Karo Syrup–Mr. Karo must’ve done that. And I didn’t lay or collect the eggs; I’m kind of afraid of small farm animals, and I still haven’t learned the art of egg laying. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I didn’t mash up the vanilla beans for the extract, or grow and harvest the pecans, either.

In progress:

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I guess we can scratch the word scratch from that first sentence. All I did was assemble the ingredients, and from the smells emanating from my kitchen, I’d say these pies are done.

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Is Studly Actually a Famous Football Player? You Decide

Studly Doright believes with his whole heart that he and Brett Favre could be twins.

Studly:

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Brett:

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Now, if I squint, I might mistake Brett for Studly’s second cousin’s great uncle’s youngest son. Otherwise, I just don’t see the resemblance.

But, you can weigh in. If he gets enough “yes” votes I’ll get up and make his breakfast on Saturday morning.

But wait, Studly said I needed to use this photo of Brett:

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Personally, I think this view comes closest to resembling my guy:

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Scurvy

Shouldn’t the word scurvy
Be an adjective to describe
A delicate morsel so sweet
And tasty that other treats
Blanch in comparison?
Gosh, that dessert was scurvy!

Or a nubile brunette reclined
On a chaise lounge
in a slinky red gown
My goodness, she is scurvy
Or even scurvaceous.

Instead, scurvy is a noun;
A disease brought on by a
Lack of some critical vitamin
C or D or K
Or is that rickets?

Anyway, it’s a disease: scurvy.

Rickets, come to think of it
Sounds like it should be some
Kind of annoying insect that
Chirrups in the darkest
Corners of the bedroom.

Darned rickets.

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Color Change Blues

Yesterday I was blonde
(You know she was blonde)
Today I’m a ginger
(What happened to blonde?)
My eyes get a shock
(A real nasty shock)
When I look in the mirror
(Don’t look in the mirror!)

I’ve got those low down
Hair color blues
(Have mercy! Have mercy!)

I asked for a change
(Oh say it’s not true)
You know that it’s true
(Yes, oh yes it’s so true)
I just didn’t think
(You always should think!)
I’d end up with this hue
(And oh what a hue!)

I’ve got those low down
Hair color blues
(Have mercy! Have mercy on her!)

Those stinkin’
Low down
Nasty clown
Hair color
Blues!
(Oh yeah!)

Favorite Things

Julie Andrews sang about her favorite things in “The Sound of Music.”

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Granted, songwriters Rodgers and Hammerstein were trying to rhyme, but there’s no way schnitzel with noodles would’ve made favorite things list. Truthfully, only the kitten whiskers would make it into my top ten.

So, what are my favorite things? And, can I rhyme them?

Nana’s Favorite Things

Folks with kind faces and grand kids with kisses
Star Wars on TV and zombie near misses
Wine poured in crystal and the joy that it brings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Tex-Mex with salsa and hot melted cheeses
Football on Sundays and trips to the beaches
Going to Vegas and laying down kings
These are a few of my favorite things.

Reading a good book and napping on weekends
Fire pits in autumn and dinner with good friends
Old jeans with edges frayed into strings
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the scales say
What do you weigh?
When my wrinkles show
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so low!

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“Seriously? Schnitzel? Noodles?”

Headache

She’s a fearsome broad–
This headache.
Trapped within the narrow
Confines of my skull.
Pounding her knobby fists
Whump! Whump! Whump!
Against my brow
Inside out.
Kicking her gaudy stilettos
Whomp! Whomp! Whomp!
Into my cheekbones
Upside down.
I’ve made an offering
Of peace.
A sacrifice of two orange
Gel-filled caplets slugged back
Shot style.
Hurry, relief.

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Naked Bathroom Jogging

Several days ago I suggested in a Facebook post jogging naked in front of the bathroom mirror as an instant mood lifter. My friends seemed to think I was joking or speaking metaphorically, but I was dead serious. Hey, if Prancercise can be a thing, then so can Naked Bathroom Jogging. Granted, it needs a better name before I shoot the video and start marketing it. It might need a less jiggly, younger model, as well.

Naked Bathroom Jogging, or NBJ, is easy to do, requires no equipment, and serves both the physical and emotional needs of the practitioner.

Do make sure that the bathroom floor is dry, or plan on jogging on a rubber-backed rug. Strip completely. Maximum effectiveness is only achieved if one is totally naked. I find it best to practice NBJ just before showering. Stand facing the bathroom mirror. Laugh as needed. Then admire all the good stuff, and trust me, no matter what you weigh or how that weight is distributed there is some good stuff.

Now jog in place. Start out slowly to determine which body parts need corralling. The last thing you want is to give yourself a black eye or whiplash. Be prepared to support these body parts. Gradually increase the speed of your jog. The best benefits seem to occur when I’m going full speed.

The first time I did my NBJ it was just a goof, but I laughed so hard and so long that I knew it had to be a good thing. So now I’m into a daily routine. If I could just find a videographer I could start filming. Volunteers? Anyone? Bueller?

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Send in the Clouds

My family has a long history of misunderstanding song lyrics. For example:

A line from The Eagles song, “Lying Eyes” as heard, and sung, by Studly Doright: “She is headed for the cheapin’ side of town.” When I asked him to explain the meaning of the lyric, he said, “you know, she went cheapin’!” Alrighty then.

A line from the 1985 hit, “Every Time You Go Away” by Paul Young as sung by our then five-year-old daughter, Ashley, “Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you.” To be honest, I like Ashley’s lyrics better. We never quite convinced her that she was wrong.

Back in the days of my youth, I thought that Judy Collins was singing about clouds instead of clowns in her 1973 hit “Send in the Clowns.” Conversely, I thought that Joni Mitchell’s song, “Both Sides Now” featured the lines, “I’ve looked at clowns from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow. It’s clown illusions I recall, I really don’t know clowns, at all.” I’m sure if I had a therapist she’d draw a few conclusions about my psyche from my misinterpretation of cloud/clown references.

Some misheard lyrics are so universal that the artist incorporates them into his/her act. I saw John Fogerty in concert several years ago and he sang the line, “There’s a bathroom on the right.”

Check out this website dedicated to misheard lyrics:
http://www.kissthisguy.com

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Happy listening!