At the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop this year, by some miracle, my name was pulled from a hat, or a fishbowl. Maybe a Tupperware container. Anyway, at random, to read an essay.
I’d prepared for the moment even though I knew there was no way I’d be called on. After all, I was just one of more than 400 people in attendance. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong.
Even with my knees shaking and my voice trembling (I know both to be true even though I’ve been told repeatedly that I seemed perfectly calm) I managed to hit the punch line just right for one of the heartiest laughs of the weekend. Two weeks later, I’m still a bit giddy.
I thought you might get a kick out of the essay. Just picture my knees not shaking and my voice not trembling, even though they did.
Bra Fitting
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time for a new bra. I checked my bank account to make sure I had enough to cover a bra purchase—those of you who’ve bought one in the past few years know what I mean. I’m pretty sure in the next decade or so there’ll be loan officers inside the lingerie department of Dillards.
Even without the expense, I’ve always dreaded bra shopping. It’s hard to find the right fit and if you go home with the wrong one you might not even realize it until you’ve worn the bra for a full day. And then it’s too late to return it. Kind of like a husband.
And don’t forget the awkwardness of being half naked in front of a complete stranger. Nevertheless, the time had come.
So I steadied my nerves, hitched up my pants, and ventured into Dillards filled with purpose, only to discover they’d moved the dang bra department. After wandering through the Tommy Bahama section twice I realized I was going in circles, so I asked a sales associate who sent me downstairs. Apparently in my hurry to be done with the task I’d walked right past it.
Still, it was early in the day and when I arrived there was no one other than this gorgeous full-figured woman behind the counter. I knew immediately that she “got” me. When she smiled, all my anxieties dissolved into thin air.
She escorted me to a room, discreetly took my measurements, then asked about my lifestyle and color preferences. Armed with all my pertinent information, she smiled that beautiful smile again and said, “l’ll be back with some bras in just a moment. Do you have anything to add?”
To which I replied. “No ma’am. My breasts are in your hands.”
We both stood for a heartbeat in awkward silence, while I turned bright red and stammered something like, “Well, that came out wrong.”
And then she laughed. This full-throated laugh. “You made my day!”
Of course I bought bras. Multiple bras. Might have to sell the pickup to offset the cost, but I have new bras!
(I didn’t curtsy, but I might’ve teared up when one of my comedic heroines, Kathy Kinney, approached me afterward and offered these three little words: “You can write.” I think that or “my breasts are in your hands” should be inscribed upon my headstone.)
Peace, people!
Praying for Eyebrowz 
Hey congrats, Nan! Funny!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! Totally true story.
LikeLike
True is always funniest!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely!
LikeLike
I’d love to go bra shopping with you 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m dangerous! And I bought so many bras from thst lady that I might never need another!
LikeLiked by 1 person
yay for you! very well done and I’m happy your name got pulled! I went to erma a few years back and it was one of my favorite experiences ever! you are funny and you (and erma) can write !!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! This was my second time at the workshop. I hope it’s not my last. Maybe next time you’ll be there, too…
LikeLiked by 1 person
that would be fun to meet, nothing like it, I felt like I had found my people right away –
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s how I felt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, it could have been worse, you could have mixed things up and said “My hands are in your breasts!”
Well done, you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha!! That very well could’ve been said!
LikeLike
Very smile-worthy
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very funny, Nan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! For once in my life I paused at just the right moment and got the big laugh. AND I remembered to let the laugh play out. It’s only taken me 69 years to get it right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hilarious, i loved this!!! And that lady, my it really does help to have a homey and helpful lady who GETS you when you’re doing something so sensitive and vulnerable as a bra fitting. my last bra fitting was 3 years ago, desperately need another one, but the experience was no fun at all so I am scared to go back. The lady who measured me said my boobs were all ‘deflated’ and wouldn’t fit the cup size but the chest size had to be a certain size. I mumbled something about pregnancies and breastfeeding back to back for 4 yrs and she said ahhh well when I breastfed I never lost my breast shape!! Good for you lady!! Meanwhile I wanted to shrivel up like a prune! All this while I was half undressed with my breasts on full show, mind. Some ladies need to learn how to make others feel comfortable lol!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, how awful! Maybe next time you’ll find someone who is more sensitive!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Should have made the ‘breasts are in your hands’ comment, it might have made her kinder!
LikeLike
💕💕
LikeLike