Swimsuits: Revenge of The Long Torso

The swimsuit I’ve worn for the last three years has worn out. Completely. The picture accompanying my blog post today is of my hand showing through the threadbare material of said swimsuit. I’d like to say I’m the one who first noticed that I was pretty much showing up at the pool naked, but my water aerobics instructor had to point it out to me.

“Miss Leslie,” she said, “do we need to take you shopping for a new suit?”

Blithely unaware I answered, “I’m going to wait until I’ve lost 10 pounds before I buy a new one.”

“Honey, you don’t have that long.” She pulled me aside and explained that I was darned near exposing parts better left hidden.

Oh! Alrighty then! I guess I should look in a mirror more often.

Buying a suit is easier said than done. Once I was young. Skinny. Firm. Once, buying a swimsuit was no big deal. I’d simply head to J.C. Penney or Sears, pick out, try on, and pay for a cute two piece suit, and drive to the pool. Total time: 20 minutes or less. Those days are but a distant, fond memory. I spend more than 20 minutes just trying to wriggle into a suit at this stage of my life.

Nevertheless, I have to shop for a new suit if I want to keep up with water aerobics classes without being arrested on charges of public indecency. The good part is since summer is coming to an end all the suits are on clearance. The bad part is that the remaining suits are either XXXS or XXXL. I fall somewhere in between, although, admittedly closer to the XXXL end of the spectrum.

I am blessed with a long torso, so any one piece suits in my size can only be worn if I assume a pronounced slouch–all hunched over, boobs nearly touching my knees, muffin top squirting out to either side. So very attractive.

Now, there is that glorious invention known as the tankini. Surely I could wear one of those. But, no. Remember the long torso thing I’ve got going on? Most tankinis are made for regular torsoed women, so when I try one on there remains a two inch gap twixt bottom and top. Talk about flattering! Picture a pooch of flubber encircling my midriff like the rings of Saturn. No Sports Illustrated cover for me this year.

I’d ordered my old suit, the one now relegated to the scrap pile, from Land’s End several years ago. So, online I go. Wonder of wonders, they still carry that style, but they are out of my size except in combat-ready green. No thanks.

But they do have an intriguing new product: the extra high-waisted skirted tankini bottom. Just the name of it took up three lines of copy, so it’s got to be good! It’s $75, but it might be the answer to a long torso problem. So, I bought a tankini top with a decent bra (another issue I face) and have the bottoms on order. I’ll review the results and get back to you.

In the meantime. Does anyone have ideas for recycling an old swimsuit? Almost transparent, but the straps are still good. Slingshot? Bungee cords?

Peace, People!

Author: nananoyz

I'm a semi-retired crazy person with one husband and two cats. View all posts by nananoyz