I leaned back in my wooden chair and tossed a dart at the picture of Donald Trump scotch taped to the door of my cramped office. Bullseye, baby. Before I could launch another sharp projectile at the human embodiment of evil there was a tentative rap at the door.
Quickly I stashed the darts, downed a shot of Glenlivet and hid the bottle under the desk.
“Come in,” I intoned with as much gravity as I could muster. I was new at this detective gig and badly needed a client. Throwing darts at Trump, no matter how satisfying, wasn’t paying the bills.
The man who walked through my door was a sight for hungry eyes. Tall, dark, and handsome, and apparently built like Thor if the bulges in his well-tailored suit were to be trusted.
“Excuse me,” he said. “I’m looking for Mr. Noyes, the private investigator…”
“It’s Ms. Noyes,” I smiled. “My receptionist just stepped out for a bit.” Little did he know my receptionist, Glenlivet, was hiding under the desk. I nudged the bottle with my foot for reassurance.
“Oh!” He was clearly flustered, so I rushed to reassure him. Rising from my chair I stepped closer, hoping to encourage him to stay.
“Don’t let my gender color your expectations,” I said. “I’m fully qualified to handle discreet investigations.”
I held my breath as I watched him wrestle with his thoughts. Finally he extended a hand, and I exhaled.
“My name is Joseph. Joseph Carpenter, and my wife has gone missing.”
I motioned for Joseph to have a seat and took my place on the other side of the desk. Pulling out a pen and notepad I asked Joseph for details.
“She was right beside me. We were watching over our newborn son and I turned away for just a second to greet a man, a foreigner of some distinction, who’d brought a baby gift. When I looked back, Mary was gone.”
Joseph’s rugged face collapsed in tears. It took all of my strength to maintain a professional distance. My maternal instincts were urging me to comfort this man, but he didn’t need a nursemaid, he needed a detective. And by God, that’s just what he’d get.
“Do you have a recent picture of your wife, sir?”
“No, we weren’t into pictures. But she was just a little thing. Maybe five feet two. Brown eyes. Dark brown hair. Olive skin. She was, is, beautiful. She has the most beatific smile.”
I tried my hand at sketching a picture of Mary. “No, her nose is a bit larger,” Joseph said. “Yes, like that. And her lips fuller.”
Finally we had a sketch that Joseph approved.
“Joseph, did you notice any strange characters hanging around, let’s see, the manger on the night of your wife’s disappearance?”
“Well,” he began, “Besides the foreigner there were a couple of other visiting dignitaries. They looked fairly trustworthy; although, come to think of it I have no idea why they dropped by.”
“Ok, that’s a starting place. Anyone or anything else?”
Joseph snapped his fingers. “There was a shepherd there ranting about some star he followed. Could it be…?”
“I couldn’t say right now, Joseph, but I promise to do everything in my power to find your Mary.” I stood and indicated we were through.
“By the way, how’s the baby?” I asked offhandedly. “I know newborns can be a handful. Is it possible Mary just took off?”
Joseph’s temper flared. I could see I’d hit a nerve. “Absolutely not! You have no idea what Mary has gone through to have this child, why….”
I held up one hand. “I had to ask Mr. Carpenter. I believe you.”
I told him I’d need a retainer and I’d bill my services at a hundred dollars per hour. Then I assured him I’d get on the case immediately.
“Money’s no problem. One of those foreign dignitaries brought gold. For a baby!” He shook his head sadly.
As he paused at the door, Joseph Carpenter turned, his face half in shadow.
“Ms. Noyes. Have you done anything like this before?”
“Yes,” I answered honestly. “Every December.”
Almost every year one piece of my nativity goes missing. One year it was the lamb. I found it nestled next to the Christmas snow globe. Another year it was a wise man, the one carrying myrrh. He didn’t turn up until I was putting decorations away. Apparently the myrrh king had been napping in a Target bag. This year it’s Mary. One can’t very well have a nativity scene without the mother of Jesus. I’ll keep looking. Until I find her I have a cut out Mary from a Christmas card to stand in for her:
The scale isn’t too far off. Right?
Peace, people!
Praying for Eyebrowz 
I can’t stop laughing …… you are such a hoot! Who would even think about doing this? My stomach is hurting from laughing!
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đŸ˜€ thank you!!! It was an idea that wouldn’t let go of me. As I searched for Mary it kept bubbling up.
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Bravo…wonderful piece of writing even without the Trump hook which caught my eye initially…superb stuff! Trump’s even upset the Brits now! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-35037007
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Interesting story. Donald Trump should be proud. Now he can be a complete idiot in two different continents. He’s approaching Rupert Murdoch’s record of three.
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Trump. He’s given that word a whole new meaning.
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He certainly has. I’m just holding my breath and hoping he sinks without trace in the polls someday soon.
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Thank you! Damn Trump. Making Americans look even stupider than we already are. I’ll put your link to use on my Facebook page.
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The thing is Americans don’t look stupid to me at all…just Trump that’s all…surely the Republican party can kick him out?
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My imagination has been on fire considering the discussions that Republican Party leaders must be having right now. I must say that if I hadn’t left the GOP 9 years ago this fiasco would have done the trick.
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Had to check that out…Grand Old Party I note…it will be that again I suspect when Trump (trump means ‘fart’ in England by the way) is Trumped!
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Oh Trump is slang for Fart??? Best information ever!!!
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Should have added that ‘Don’ is in Italian effectively ‘Lord’ (think Sicilian Mafia)so if you wanted to be really cruel…not that you would of course…’Lord Fart’ would be his European name!
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Heh! Lord Fart!!!!
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Forget reading the paper. I’d rather read your blog post first thing every morning! Loved this story! đŸ™‚
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Thank you!!! That’s probably the best compliment I’ve ever received.
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I thoroughly enjoyed this, which is not something I’ve been able to say about very many stories that involved Donald Trump recently. I suppose enjoyment may be the wrong response, though, given that it’s a tragic missing persons case. I hope you get your original Mary back soon. In the meantime, her understudy is giving a very convincing performance.
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Thank you. One of my Facebook friends pointed out that the cutout Mary is holding an infant….could it be that Jesus was a twin?
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You just set me off again!
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Ha!!!
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Now there’s a thought for the churches of the world to ponder. đŸ™‚
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You can’t even tell she is a stand in! Really!
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Lol!
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Well, if I looked really carefully I could see there was something not quite right. It was hard to put my finger on what, though.
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That’s because if you put your finger on it Mary wouldn’t be visible.
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What imagination! Love it!
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Thank you! It was fun to write.
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And have we learned Leslie like Glenlivet?
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Well my hard nosed private eye self likes it. Not so much the real me.
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Thanks I thoroughly enjoyed reading, though I was wondering if lack of sleep was catching up on me. I’ve obviously seen Trump in nasty headlines, but I also caught something on TV with a manger scene, and was trying to relax with a private eye thriller. Your post was like mixing it all up in my fuddled brain đŸ™‚ Love the dart thing!
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đŸ˜»
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this is FANTASTIC, well done…………had to giggle all the way through
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I’m glad you liked it!
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Your Like button only let me hit it once, but I’d hit it several times if I could. Do you have a cat? That would explain it all. Our cat (this is his first Christmas) has been gleefully undecorating the tree. Well, he has to. We don’t have a manger scene. This morning we got back from walking the dogs to find he’d outdone himself–several handfuls ornaments on the floor. We were going to leave the tree up till New Year but I think it’s coming down tonight.
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We have two cats. One is a bit of a thief, come to think of it.
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I should add the the ornaments are very small–it’s a tiny tree–so even one handful takes a lot of swipes.
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Mary is fairly large. I doubt either of the cats could’ve carried her off, Away from the manger.
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This is such a hoot and lovely piece. I thoroughly enjoyed the mystery of your missing Mary ;0))
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Thanks so much! It was fun to write.
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You are welcome đŸ™‚
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Nice post; thanks for following http://therogerspost.com/
Charles
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Thank you!
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Pmsl! Excellent! And so are the comments. đŸ™‚
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I just read through them again. I have some insanely witty blogging friends.
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You certainly do. I’m still howling at Lord Fart! Had to use it in your comments. It’s priceless. I shall do my best to spread it widely. Much deserved moniker. đŸ™‚
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Oh, it’s a bit too kind for the likes of the Donald, but I might get banned if I choose the ones more fitting.
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