Health Alert!

I had to see my doctor this afternoon for a minor issue and found a warning sign on the office door:

HEALTH ALERT
If you have traveled to or been in contact with anyone traveling to any of the following areas please immediately notify our staff and you will be referred to our local emergency room for evaluation.
Guinea Liberia West Africa Sierra Leone Nigeria Senegal

My first instinct was to run to my car, drive home and dive under my covers. Instead, I went in and sat in the waiting room amongst a group of hacking, sniffling, sneezing, achy, sick people.

So now I think I might have Ebola. I know the incubation period is longer than a few hours and that one needs to come into actual contact with bodily fluids from an infected Ebola patient in order to contract the disease; nevertheless, I’m probably the next victim.

Hypochondria is a bitch.

Peace (and prayers for the real victims), People.

Aging Gratefully

I celebrated my 58th birthday on Sunday. 58 Two years away from the big 60. Whatever happened to the years between 28 and 58? I find some fun in grumbling about my age, but honestly, I don’t think I’d go back to any previous milestone. There are many things I like about being older. For example,

1) These days I can find humor in the oddest situations. Several years ago I was having some “feminine issues.” I didn’t have an OB/GYN at the time, so I made an appointment with my general practitioner, a very capable young man. Midway through my pelvic exam he said, “hmmmmm.” Then he excused himself and came back with another doctor in the clinic, an older woman, but way younger than me. Now they were taking turns peering into my hoohaw and hmmmmming. I looked at the RN who kept patting my shoulder reassuringly and said, “If we join in we’ll have a quartet.” The doctors cracked up and decided to send me to a specialist.

2) All I need to do to look good is to take off my glasses. I get ready in the morning without the aid of my eyeglasses, and I don’t look at myself very carefully before I leave for work. Thus, I’m often surprised at my appearance when I see myself in a mirror during the day. Who is that crinkly-faced woman looking at me? Why don’t her earrings match? Did she put eye makeup on the right side, but not the left? I just know that if I live to be 80 I’ll be one of those elderly women who puts two bright, unblended spots of rouge on her cheeks and a slash of lipstick somewhere near her mouth.

3) Everything sags and I just don’t care. The bags under my eyes have become close friends with my cheeks which have merged with my chin, and my breasts form a bridge from my torso to my hips. Undressed I look like a ride at Disneyworld. Wheeee! In the bathtub I regularly pretend to be a prehistoric creature emerging from the depths of a lagoon. Everything jiggles like Jell-O on steroids except my elbows and kneecaps.

4) I’m never cold anymore. My internal thermostat is set somewhere between “extra warm” and “ohmygod it’s hotter than hell in here and I need to strip down to my skivvies and run through the sprinklers right now before I spontaneously combust.”

5) I have grandchildren. Nothing compares with that.

6) I used to be a prevaricator, but now my friends know I can be counted on to tell the truth. They know that if they ask me if that dress they’re trying on looks good on them I’ll give them a tactful, yet brutally honest answer. And, I expect the same. A friend who lets a woman go out in an unflattering outfit just to save her feelings is no friend at all.

Maybe this just all boils down to taking everything in stride, enjoying one’s blessings, and being true to oneself. Whatever it is, I wish I’d been like this when I was younger. I’d probably have a lot fewer crinkles now.

Peace, People!

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am 58 years old. I’d like to think I still look good for my age, but I know the years are beginning to etch themselves into my face line by fine line. I’m really okay with that. I’m alive, happy, and healthy. I have a terrific husband, two incredible children, a daughter-in-love and a son-in-love, and five absolutely brilliant grandchildren who obviously take after their Nana.

About birthdays: On one hand we have the joyful celebration of a life lived for one more year, an act of death defiance at any age, but as we grow older we are more aware of that truth. On the other hand we have the memories of birthdays past, often a bittersweet blend of wonder and loss.

Several of my birthdays stand out in my mind. Here’s one. The day before my 12th birthday, Mom picked me up at school. She was waiting for me as I came down the steps at R.C. Andrews elementary. She was smiling, but it was a sad smile and she told me that Pappy, my great grandfather, had passed away that morning. Of course being the dramatically selfish little sixth grader I was, my thoughts immediately went to my carefully planned birthday slumber party that would need to be cancelled. I cried, but for all the wrong reasons.

The weekend was spent at my Nannie and Grandaddy’s house with grownups speaking in hushed tones while a seemingly infinite number of casseroles arrived to feed us. My birthday was forgotten. On Monday afternoon I returned home from school to find Mom there already. She immediately sent me to Nannie’s home to pick up something that Mom had left there. I grouched to myself all the way to Nannie’s on my bicycle and all the way back.

“What am I, a servant?”

“Who does she think she is, anyway?”

“No one cares about me anymore. No one even wished me happy birthday.”

“If I died they’d all feel sorry.”

I probably said “damn” and then felt guilty about it.

When I walked in my back door with the spoon, or potholder, or apron that I’d been sent to fetch it struck me that the house was curiously quiet. Then I heard, “Surprise!” as I entered the kitchen.

Mom had gathered my closest friends for a party. She’d taken off from work that afternoon, baked a cake, and decorated the kitchen in my honor. It’s still one of my fondest memories. In the midst of her own sorrow, Mom knew how much I needed attention. I miss her every day, but especially today.

Peace, People!

Loving the Job

Every weekday I get to sit knee to knee with a variety of second graders as my coworkers and I complete preliminary testing for our literacy research. This might just be the greatest job in the history of jobs.

Many of these children are woefully behind as readers, indeed, they are behind in many areas of English language development. Some are from households in which English is not the primary language. Others are children living in extreme poverty where parents are doing their best just to stay afloat. Still others come to us from families where reading is not a priority. Whatever their circumstances, achieving the ability to read at grade level by third grade is critical.

Each one of these children is a priceless gift. I absolutely fall in love with them. Right now our team is administering pre-tests to students who qualified for the program. Many of our test questions are well beyond these students’ current capabilities, making for some amusing responses.

When shown a set of footprints one child told me, “Oh, I know this one! It’s printfoots!” Close, oh so close.

Another child when asked what word means the same as “peer” replied, “Beer. Like Coors–that’s what my daddy drinks, but it makes my mom mad when he drinks too many.” Hmmm.

I love it when a student knows an answer and then says, “My teacher taught me this.” They are so proud of themselves.

The children seem to love coming to work with us as much as we enjoy working with them. One little girl today smiled at me when I called her name from the classroom door and said shyly, “I was hoping and hoping you would say my name.”

Another told a co-worker, “You make me feel smart.”

Not all of the comments are sweet. A child this afternoon asked, “Why you always asking me questions. Don’t you know this stuff?” Well, I know some of it.

After looking at one set of photos after another and trying to pick out the right one from a verbal prompt, one child sighed and said, “These are the most boringest pitchers I ever seen.” Sorry, kiddo. I’m at the mercy of the test designers.

One of the assessments we administer asks the students to respond orally to the following prompt: “‘Jan threw the ball into the street.’ Now say this sentence in passive voice

The correct response would be, “The ball was thrown into the street by Jan,” but the second graders have no idea what they’re supposed to do. Most just repeat the sentence back to me, but last week a little girl whispered the sentence. I thought it was a fluke until I later asked her to put a sentence in active voice. She hopped up and down and shouted the sentence. She might not know how to change the voice of the sentence, but she sure knows the difference between active and passive.

Probably the best thing about this stage of the project is getting a ringside seat into the ways these children think about their own thinking. Educators call this “metacognition.” The more confident among them will say things like, “It must be this picture, because the mom looks like she might be mad. In the other pictures she just looks like a regular mom. And if someone ate all my cookies, I’d be mad.”

In November we will began small group interventions with many of these students. That will be fun, as well, but I will miss this one to one interaction, even when it’s with kids who think my questions are lame and my pictures boring.

Peace (and read with your kids), People!

Let it Go?

Why is it easy to let some small annoyances go and impossible to let others slide by?

I have raged for years about 32″ inseams on my 33.5″ legs. That danged inch and a half is a thorn in my side. On average aren’t people growing taller? Then why on earth haven’t inseams gotten longer? Let it go!

Political ads. The misdirection, happy family photos, staged walks on the beach, outright lies–they all make me cringe. I think every politician should be allotted ten 30 second television advertisements. They may not mention their opponent in any way during those 30 seconds. Only verifiable facts and statistics may be used. Don’t let it go!

The term “supermodel” bugs me. Anything with the word “super” imposed on it should at least be able to fly or bend steel rods. Let it go!

What’s up with beets? They always look like they should taste pleasant, and yet they don’t. It’s that bright red coloring that is the problem. I see festive red and I think, “mmm, sweet,” not “ugh, weird tasting vegetable.” Let it go!

Incorrect use of an apostrophe. Don’t let it go! People, an apostrophe shows ownership:

Paula’s plants. Not Paula’s plant’s.
Plant’s leaves. Not plant’s leave’s

Bathroom seats that are left in the upright position. It’s icky. It’s yucky! But I can live with it. Let it go!

Burps and belches that aren’t followed by the phrase, “Excuse me!” Common courtesy. Don’t let it go!

Blog posts with no apparent point. I hope you can let it go!

Peace, People!

Awareness Issues

Do you suffer from Awareness Issues?

1. Do you find yourself stepping in random puddles of oil in parking lots or piles of dog poop in parks?

2. Have you ever bumped into an inanimate object and said, “excuse me”?

3. Have you ever driven any length of time only to realize you have no recollection of the past 10, 20, or even 30 miles?

4. Have you ever accidentally brushed your teeth with Preparation H?

5. Have you ever gotten into the wrong car in a parking lot and wondered why your key doesn’t fit the ignition?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions you might be suffering from Awareness Issues.

As a recovering sufferer of AI, I wholeheartedly endorse the Institute for Awareness Disorders, or IAD. Here’s what IAD can offer:

Intensive Group Therapy–Daily meetings with fellow AI sufferers will provide support as you deal with your lack of awareness.

Personal Counseling Sessions–One on one meetings with an expert to get to the root cause of your Awareness Issues.

Awareness Exercises–The heart of IAD. Our certified AI counselors will lead you and fellow attendees in activities guaranteed to eradicate AI. Previous exercises have included blindfolding participants and dropping them into a variety of locations such as Times Square in NYC, and the Amazon Jungle, walking a tightrope over a pit of vipers, and rock climbing in the Rockies.

Comments from our satisfied customers:

“If the exercises don’t result in death or dismemberment you most likely will be cured.” –Clueless Joe J., IA.

“I used to get into other people’s cars all the time before enrolling at IAD. Now, that hardly ever happens.”–Helen N., Hereford, TX.

Before attending IAD I was always doing embarrassing things like scolding strangers in airport restrooms, but the group therapy has been so helpful.”–Nedra P., Canyon, TX.

I can’t tell you the number of times I accidentally used hairspray as deodorant and vice versa before attending IAD. Now, I look twice before I spray.–L. N., Havana, FL.

You no longer have to suffer from Awareness Issues. Call our offices today at 1-888-bea-ware.

Peace, People!

Short and Gross

This morning I went out to get in the convertible. I pulled out of the garage and realized the ambient temperature was a bit on the chilly side to ride around with the top down. So with a press of a button I raised the top.

Little pieces of something began falling all around me. Dead lovebugs. Lots and lots of dried, dead lovebugs, no longer entwined in death, their flaky little carcasses raining down into my hair and onto my lap and into my purse.

What a way to start the day.

Peace, People!

Long Week in Gadsden County

I got home from work this afternoon and plopped my butt in front of the television. Then I picked up my iPad, scrolled to WordPress and wrote this post. Yes, it was this bad.

As hungry as I am, I haven’t eaten dinner because chewing just takes way too much effort. I opened the fridge and cried to find I was out of wine. So I had a couple of beers instead. Now I need to pee, but the bathroom is two whole rooms away.

I just watched 12 political ads in a row because I didn’t have the gumption to change channels. I’m pretty sure I’m now an Independent. There was a funny commercial on about immature cheese, but it hurt too much to laugh, so I didn’t. Yawning hurts, too. Pretty much everything hurts.

I remind myself that I work to keep myself busy and to meet new people. I ask myself if I really need people at all.

I finally got up to heat some dinner in the microwave, and stood in front of it for a good 30 seconds looking for the preheat button. The beep signaling that dinner is ready grates on my already frayed nerves. Chewing is every bit as difficult as I imagined.

My phone rang. I let it go to voicemail even though it was on the table beside my chair. I sure hope it wasn’t Publisher’s Clearinghouse.

I updated my Facebook status to “pffffft!” and all two of my friends liked it. I cried again over my lack of wine. It’s eight o’clock and I’m ready to go to bed, but it’s even more distant than the bathroom. The sofa looks good.

My head aches, my back is in spasms, and my head throbs. But I met some new people! Tomorrow has to be better. Right? Right? At least I’ll have wine.

Me: SIRI, take a note.

SIRI: What would you like the note to say?

Me: Buy wine for tomorrow night.

SIRI: Here’s your note

I whine for tomorrow night.

Me: Yep.

Peace, People!

Having a Wine Time, Wish You Were Here

“A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and Thou.
Beside me singing in the Wilderness–Oh
Wilderness were Paradise enow.”

I’m fairly sure I know what Omar Khayyam had in mind when he penned those lines, but “Let’s get drunk and make out in the park.” just doesn’t give off the same vibe.

Wine does tend to lead me to amorous thoughts. I’m having a glass as I type this, which leads me to say, I really, really like you. I also find that I tend to over punctuate while nipping the grape. Commas abound. Semicolons trip over themselves in a clumsy attempt for attention; however, I am still obliged to follow the dictates of proper punctuation.

I wish I could gather together all those who’ve read my posts. The countries represented simply astound me. Today, I had visitors from United Arab Emirates, Angola, the Republic of Korea, and Chile. Last week I entertained readers from Indonesia, Colombia, and Argentina. The Seychelles. Italy, Guatemala, Ireland, the U.K., and France were represented, as were Spain, Ecuador, Georgia, and Ukraine. My mind is blown.

If I could, I’d throw a party. We’d drink wine and beer, vodka and soda, and solve the problems of the world in ways no politician would ever consider. There is power in words. Power in community. We’d row out on the lake behind my house and comment on the fish flipping their fins in the sunlight. What a glorious gathering! Then we’d have beef burgers or tofu burgers and relax in the waning of the day.

Good times.

Peace and Wine, People!