Whack A Mole

Several weeks back I spotted a suspicious mole on my left forearm. It came to my attention as Studly and I were out rowing in our kayak. Of course I freaked a little and called the doctor the next day. I really expected him to chuckle, pat me on the head and send me away, but to my chagrin he wanted a dermatologist to look at it.

His office referred me to a reputable clinic, and as I write this I’m sitting on the exam table awaiting the arrival of the doctor. Of course the spot has now faded to a mere freckle, so I feel like a complete imposter, but since I’m here I thought he could do a complete body check. Heaven knows I’ve got plenty of body to check. We could be here awhile.

(Pause for exam)

Okay, the doctor has come and done his thorough exam. He’s concerned about the freckle spot and wants to do a biopsy. There’s another spot on my shin he wants biopsied as well. This is getting to be quite an ordeal. Right now, his nurse is preparing to numb my two troublesome areas with a rather long syringe.

(Pause for gasps of pain)

Damn, the one on my shin hurt like a sonofabitch. Remind me to forgo any offers to tattoo that particular area of my body. Now, I just have to wait until someone comes to perform the actual biopsy.

(Pause to hum the Jeopardy theme song)

The biopsyists (?) just entered, a young man and young woman (they both look 12) wielding sharp objects. I wonder why they’ve sent in two people, then, I realize they’re tag teaming me. He goes for my shin.

(Pause for sharply indrawn breath–totally unnecessary given the aforementioned numbing)

She goes for my forearm. He bandages my shin. She bandages my forearm. Simultaneously they pat my hands and rush out the door as quickly as they blew in, telling me I can get dressed. I feel like the Doublemint twins have left the room.

(Pause to get dressed)

(Pause to wait)

Waiting sucks. Please send good vibes my way if you’re so inclined.

Peace, People.

Health Alert!

I had to see my doctor this afternoon for a minor issue and found a warning sign on the office door:

HEALTH ALERT
If you have traveled to or been in contact with anyone traveling to any of the following areas please immediately notify our staff and you will be referred to our local emergency room for evaluation.
Guinea Liberia West Africa Sierra Leone Nigeria Senegal

My first instinct was to run to my car, drive home and dive under my covers. Instead, I went in and sat in the waiting room amongst a group of hacking, sniffling, sneezing, achy, sick people.

So now I think I might have Ebola. I know the incubation period is longer than a few hours and that one needs to come into actual contact with bodily fluids from an infected Ebola patient in order to contract the disease; nevertheless, I’m probably the next victim.

Hypochondria is a bitch.

Peace (and prayers for the real victims), People.

I Don’t Sleep, Don’t Ask Me

Wide awake at midnight. Studly snores boisterously. My mind runs rampant through the possibilities. My prayers are said, my book’s been read. I’m tired, but sleep won’t come.

What have I forgotten to do? Who have I forgotten to call? Where am I supposed to be? What if I cannot do it all?

A new friend suggests that I’m an overachiever. Conscientious, to a fault. I’m more inclined to think that I suffer from a lack. Of something. Ability? Logic? Imagination? Drive? Sleep, certainly.

I probably should stop drinking Chardonnay in the evening. Get more exercise. Eat better. Switch to Merlot?

I probably should stop reading post-apocalyptic young adult novels that begin at the end of everything and then try to find a beginning. Maybe they make me too anxious.

I just want to sleep.

Peace, People.

Walking Farts

Please excuse the title, but I’m all about truth in advertising. Most of the time, anyway.

About 15 years ago Studly and I took a big motorcycle trip with our good friends Guy and Janice. When I say big, I mean we rode from Great Bend, Kansas, to points in South Dakota and Wyoming including Sturgis, Mt. Rushmore, and Devils Tower of “Close Encounters” fame. it was my first major ride on my own bike, a 650 Yamaha V-Star. The V-Star was an absolutely beautiful cruiser with next to no horsepower. Keeping it at 65 mph took constant effort. I was fairly miserable for much of the trip–a combination of first ride nerves and no oomph.

The ride, though, was incredible after we escaped from the wind tunnels commonly known as Kansas and Nebraska. Once in South Dakota we rode through a cluster of wild burros in Custer State Park. Had I the inclination and temerity I might have reached out a tentative toe and nudged a buffalo in the park, as well. I was that close. It was that scary. We came within five feet of the Bighorn Sheep that were clinging tenaciously to the mountainside. This indoor girl experienced wildlife overload. Perhaps that accounts for the buildup of abdominal gas I experienced, as well.

We didn’t have reservations at the lodge in the state park, but we decided to stop by and see if there were any vacancies. The setting was breathtaking, and I kept my throttle fingers crossed as we pulled into the parking area. Sure enough, they had a suite available consisting of two bedrooms with a shared, “Jack and Jill” style bathroom. It wasn’t ideal, but we were all saddle sore from the day’s ride and decided we could share the facilities for one night.

We dined on steaks and baked potatoes that evening in the massive common room featuring a soaring ceiling and chandeliers fashioned from antlers. Then we took a walk outside to take in the wonder of the park. That’s when an embarrassing case of the walking farts set in. Every step I took resulted in a “pfffft,” a “thhhhhht,” or a “vvvvvv!” at full volume. At first we all tried ignoring the sounds emanating from my behind, then someone snorted a laugh and all bets were off.

I tried to rein in my flatulence, but the harder I tried the worse it got. Finally we decided to return to our rooms. My walk back to the inn sounded like, “step, pffft, step, pffft, step, pffft!” I could have generated power for a small city.

In the middle of that night I felt like I could dispense with some of that pent up gas, but we had a shared bathroom and I didn’t want to impose the sounds and potential smells of my relief on anyone else, so I dressed and went to the lobby bathroom. Ahhhh. Redemption.

The next morning as we gathered for breakfast I related the tale of my midnight expedition to Studly and our friends, only to learn that each member of our group had done the same thing. Apparently, friends don’t subject friends to smelly bathrooms.

Peace, People!

Have a Very Hairy Winter

Last week I saw a Facebook meme that essentially said that since autumn has arrived I don’t have to shave my legs until next spring. That made me wonder what else I could dispense with at this time of year. Underwear? Eyeglasses? Makeup? None of the aforementioned? I couldn’t think of a single thing. And I’ll continue shaving my legs all year long.

Yes, I’m an overachiever. I have shaved my legs every single day of the year regardless of season from the time I was 11 years old. I shaved them on the days I gave birth. I shaved them after my lumpectomy. I shaved them after my hysterectomy. TMI? Too bad. If I were running for public office this would be my slogan:

VOTE FOR ME, I’M LEG HAIR FREE.

I don’t care if other women choose to let their hair grow all winter long. That’s a personal choice. I don’t shave for Studly’s benefit; quite honestly he probably wouldn’t notice if I grew a cashmere sweater on my thighs. I just can’t stand to sleep with myself if there’s any stubble at all on my legs.

When I become old and feeble I hope I have the money to hire a person to shave my legs on a daily basis. While they’re at it, they should also make sure my mustache is under control. And when I die, before I’m cremated, I want someone to take on these critical tasks. I can’t meet St. Peter with hairy legs. Is anyone writing this down? It’s important.

Peace, People!

Let it Go?

Why is it easy to let some small annoyances go and impossible to let others slide by?

I have raged for years about 32″ inseams on my 33.5″ legs. That danged inch and a half is a thorn in my side. On average aren’t people growing taller? Then why on earth haven’t inseams gotten longer? Let it go!

Political ads. The misdirection, happy family photos, staged walks on the beach, outright lies–they all make me cringe. I think every politician should be allotted ten 30 second television advertisements. They may not mention their opponent in any way during those 30 seconds. Only verifiable facts and statistics may be used. Don’t let it go!

The term “supermodel” bugs me. Anything with the word “super” imposed on it should at least be able to fly or bend steel rods. Let it go!

What’s up with beets? They always look like they should taste pleasant, and yet they don’t. It’s that bright red coloring that is the problem. I see festive red and I think, “mmm, sweet,” not “ugh, weird tasting vegetable.” Let it go!

Incorrect use of an apostrophe. Don’t let it go! People, an apostrophe shows ownership:

Paula’s plants. Not Paula’s plant’s.
Plant’s leaves. Not plant’s leave’s

Bathroom seats that are left in the upright position. It’s icky. It’s yucky! But I can live with it. Let it go!

Burps and belches that aren’t followed by the phrase, “Excuse me!” Common courtesy. Don’t let it go!

Blog posts with no apparent point. I hope you can let it go!

Peace, People!

Awareness Issues

Do you suffer from Awareness Issues?

1. Do you find yourself stepping in random puddles of oil in parking lots or piles of dog poop in parks?

2. Have you ever bumped into an inanimate object and said, “excuse me”?

3. Have you ever driven any length of time only to realize you have no recollection of the past 10, 20, or even 30 miles?

4. Have you ever accidentally brushed your teeth with Preparation H?

5. Have you ever gotten into the wrong car in a parking lot and wondered why your key doesn’t fit the ignition?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions you might be suffering from Awareness Issues.

As a recovering sufferer of AI, I wholeheartedly endorse the Institute for Awareness Disorders, or IAD. Here’s what IAD can offer:

Intensive Group Therapy–Daily meetings with fellow AI sufferers will provide support as you deal with your lack of awareness.

Personal Counseling Sessions–One on one meetings with an expert to get to the root cause of your Awareness Issues.

Awareness Exercises–The heart of IAD. Our certified AI counselors will lead you and fellow attendees in activities guaranteed to eradicate AI. Previous exercises have included blindfolding participants and dropping them into a variety of locations such as Times Square in NYC, and the Amazon Jungle, walking a tightrope over a pit of vipers, and rock climbing in the Rockies.

Comments from our satisfied customers:

“If the exercises don’t result in death or dismemberment you most likely will be cured.” –Clueless Joe J., IA.

“I used to get into other people’s cars all the time before enrolling at IAD. Now, that hardly ever happens.”–Helen N., Hereford, TX.

Before attending IAD I was always doing embarrassing things like scolding strangers in airport restrooms, but the group therapy has been so helpful.”–Nedra P., Canyon, TX.

I can’t tell you the number of times I accidentally used hairspray as deodorant and vice versa before attending IAD. Now, I look twice before I spray.–L. N., Havana, FL.

You no longer have to suffer from Awareness Issues. Call our offices today at 1-888-bea-ware.

Peace, People!

Bad Karaoke

My singing is so bad it almost resulted in an arrest one night. A group of my co-workers and their spouses gathered one evening at a bar in Great Bend, Kansas, to celebrate the birthday of one of our friends. As it happened, the bar featured karaoke, and after we’d had a few drinks some of us began putting our names on the list of singers.

I was a karaoke virgin, but not a hesitant one. Once my name was called I practically leapt to the microphone and promptly butchered “Leader of the Pack” by singing when I shouldn’t, and not singing when I should. It looked much easier when I was just spectating.

Now anyone with a smidgen of self respect would have called it quits after the first go round. Maybe my smidgen was missing that night. I signed up again and again, and while I became better at following the bouncing ball my voice never got even a little better. But, everyone seemed to be having a good time so what was the harm?

Studly doesn’t sing, but he sat there drinking a beer, or two, or five, cheering me and the other members of our group on. The birthday boy (we’ll call him Bob) and I decided to sing a duet to “I Got You, Babe,” the classic Sonny and Cher hit. Bob could actually sing, so our duet had an interesting sound to say the least. I was trying to channel Cher, but ended up sounding like Oscar the Grouch with Kermit the Frog in his throat.

That’s when the heckling began. An inebriated couple–an incredibly skinny man and equally incredibly beefy woman–started yelling hateful slurs at Bob and me during our song. I was oblivious, but Studly was not. He asked the inebriated pair to shut their mouths. They impolitely declined. Our song ended, but on my way back to the table I was grabbed by some friendly folks to sing “Goodbye Earl,” so I stayed in the spotlight where I felt I’d always belonged.

I’d never even heard the song before, so I was kind of talk-singing the lyrics when I wasn’t laughing. The inebriated couple grew louder. Studly was busy defending my honor. I was still oblivious. I remember looking up from the karaoke screen to see an officer of the peace putting handcuffs on my husband. For some reason, the gravity of the situation didn’t phase me even a little bit. I calmly announced to my fellow singers and the room at large that I needed to go because my husband was being arrested.

I hurried to Studly’s side and arrived at the same time as one of the bartenders who came to Studly’s defense. According to the bartender the female part of the couple launched herself at Studly about the same time that I was singing about Earl dying. Studly held her off without actually hitting her, but she was big and strong and he finally had to give her a less than gentle shove to move her away from him. That’s when the police walked into the bar.

Just as in my favorite cop shows the officers escorted both parties to separate locations to grill them about the incident. I watched from the sidelines thinking, “Book her Dan-O!” With multiple witnesses corroborating Studly’s tale he was freed from handcuffs in a matter of a few painfully embarrassing minutes. In the end, he was asked if he wanted to press charges against his attacker. He declined. He just wanted to put the whole episode behind him. Too bad he’s married to me.

Just for the record, I am now a karaoke veteran, but Studly is banned from my performances until I actually learn to sing. In other words, it’s a lifetime ban.

Peace, People!

Remembering September 11

IMG_2311-0           I don’t often take this blog to serious places, but it is difficult to ignore September 11 as anything other than a serious date. On 9/11/01, I was at a conference in Tyson’s Corner, Virginia, just outside of Washington, D.C. The day was beautiful. Bright blue skies beckoned outside of our conference room, and a group of us planned to head into D.C. that afternoon. It was my first trip to the area, and I couldn’t wait to take in all of the sights in our nation’s Capitol.

Our group was engaged in a lively discussion, but then, in the middle of the conference session, cell phones began buzzing. We laughed at first. It seemed amusing that we’d all get calls at the same time. Then one of the presenters stepped out to take her call. When she returned to the room her face was devoid of color, and she said we were adjourning to the lobby of the hotel.

There, we gathered around a television and watched footage of a plane crashing into one of the World Trade Center buildings. A coworker began sobbing. Her parents had a business next to the building and she excused herself to try to call them. We stayed focused on the screen and watched in disbelief as yet another plane crashed into the side of the second building. The dawning comprehension that this was not an accident registered immediately. Some cried. Some cursed. Some prayed.

My room was on the first floor, just around the corner from the lobby. I felt the urgent need to be alone, so I went to my room and got down on my knees. I prayed for the families of all those on board the planes. I prayed for those inside the buildings. Then I prayed fervently for those who had perpetrated this unimaginable act to be forgiven.

When I emerged from my room I began hearing all sorts of stories: the Pentagon had been hit, the White House was under attack, another plane had crashed in Pennsylvania. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was rumor. I tried to call my husband who was en route to Houston that day. When I finally got through he was frantic. He knew how close my hotel was to the Pentagon–15 minutes by Metro.

He’d had an intense day. Studly and eight of his coworkers were traveling in a white rental van from Kansas to Houston. They’d planned on playing a few rounds of golf on their trip. When they received a call from their company’s vice president to find a spot to convene a conference call, they found a bank in a small Texas town. The bank had locked its doors and required Studly and his coworkers to present picture i.d.s before admitting them to the building. Their Houston meeting was cancelled, so they turned the van around and headed to their respective homes.

I’d never wanted to be home as much as I did that day, but all flights were cancelled. Colleagues began trying to rent cars, but those were hard to come by. One of my closest friends urged me to stay put. The hotel said we could stay at no expense until we could arrange for travel and our company promised to take care of us until we could find a way home. So for three days we stayed in the hotel, checking flights and watching the news. On Friday morning we headed to Dulles, hoping that our flights would be cleared.

I’d never seen lines that long at an airport–around the terminal and out the door. People were beginning to feel a sense of desperation. First we were told our flight to Dallas was cancelled. I was ready to give up and head back to Tyson’s Corner, but again my friend urged me to stay put. That advice paid off when a gentleman came through our line to gather those of us ticketed for the Dallas flight.

We boarded the plane and then sat on the tarmac for two hours. No one spoke. The silence was more unnerving than anything I’d experienced in the previous three days. Finally, we were cleared for takeoff–the first plane to depart Dulles after 9/11.

When we landed safely at DFW a palpable feeling of relief surged through the cabin. One of the flight attendants broke into tears. I cried with her. I had to catch another flight to Amarillo, TX. The flight attendants gave us instructions on fighting off attackers. Use anything you have they told us. Purses, pillows, wallets. The whole experience was surreal.

When I made it to Amarillo and to my car I sat and cried in the parking lot for a long time. I still had a four hour drive in front of me, and I remember very little of it. When I pulled into my driveway in a Dodge City, Kansas, Studly came out to hold me. Home never felt so good.

Peace, Please People!

What’s a Gingy?

When our son was born, my mom decided that she wanted to be called Grandmother. Not Granny or Grandma, Nana or Mimi. Grandmother. Well, that was all well and good, but our son had other ideas. Jason didn’t talk early. We began to wonder if he’d ever talk at all, but by three he had a decent vocabulary. Try as he might, though, he could not say Grandmother or Grandaddy. What emerged was something that sounded a lot like Gingy, so my parents, for better or worse, became Gingymama and Gingydaddy. And, since he was the first of the grandchildren, it stuck.

Daddy’s 81st birthday would have been yesterday, and since yesterday’s post was on the sappy side I thought I’d have my children and nieces and nephews post their memories of their Gingydaddy.

Jason texted, “Him rescuing me from the side of a mountain…teaching me to pee without unbuttoning my pants aka the utility of the zipper…first set of golf clubs…how to flirt…taught me how to use a knife to slice an apple….”

Ignoring the pee remark, I asked him what Gingy had told him about flirting

“I just learned by example….”

Sounds like some valuable lessons Gingy was passing along. He was a hopeless flirt.

Ashley texted, “Genius,” was his email password, but he could never remember how to spell it! He had to cut Christopher’s seatbelt off when the Gingys took us three oldest grand kids to California. He called one of his nurses Donut Girl. He never fully stopped at a stoplight; he always inched forward until the light turned green. How he always had to show us off when we’d go visit him at whatever grocery store he worked at. Oh, and the seatbelt! He would never buckle the damn belt, just held it right above the clicker while he drove to fool the cops. He never met a stranger.”

My niece Claire, said, “Sitting in lawn chairs in the garage with the door open just talking about life and laughing about him getting numbers from the ladies from the piggly wiggly!”

Nephew Christopher added, “Easy! Eating Oreos with iced milk.” I think he made sure all the grand kids experienced the joy of Oreos in milk.

Hanna added this to the group text, “Fishing in the little pond in red river, nm 😊”

Their memories are all so different because Gingydaddy was easygoing. He was able to live in the moment and find ways to connect with each of his grandchildren.

Gingydaddy loved taking the kids on vacation. I think the saddest thing for him about his COPD was that he could no longer make those big memory-making trips. Daddy told me once that if he’d known he was going to live into his 70’s he’d have taken a lot better care of himself. Damned cigarettes. Damned habit.

Peace and Good Memories, People!