Month: September 2014

Swimsuits: Revenge of The Long Torso

The swimsuit I’ve worn for the last three years has worn out. Completely. The picture accompanying my blog post today is of my hand showing through the threadbare material of said swimsuit. I’d like to say I’m the one who first noticed that I was pretty much showing up at the pool naked, but my water aerobics instructor had to point it out to me.

“Miss Leslie,” she said, “do we need to take you shopping for a new suit?”

Blithely unaware I answered, “I’m going to wait until I’ve lost 10 pounds before I buy a new one.”

“Honey, you don’t have that long.” She pulled me aside and explained that I was darned near exposing parts better left hidden.

Oh! Alrighty then! I guess I should look in a mirror more often.

Buying a suit is easier said than done. Once I was young. Skinny. Firm. Once, buying a swimsuit was no big deal. I’d simply head to J.C. Penney or Sears, pick out, try on, and pay for a cute two piece suit, and drive to the pool. Total time: 20 minutes or less. Those days are but a distant, fond memory. I spend more than 20 minutes just trying to wriggle into a suit at this stage of my life.

Nevertheless, I have to shop for a new suit if I want to keep up with water aerobics classes without being arrested on charges of public indecency. The good part is since summer is coming to an end all the suits are on clearance. The bad part is that the remaining suits are either XXXS or XXXL. I fall somewhere in between, although, admittedly closer to the XXXL end of the spectrum.

I am blessed with a long torso, so any one piece suits in my size can only be worn if I assume a pronounced slouch–all hunched over, boobs nearly touching my knees, muffin top squirting out to either side. So very attractive.

Now, there is that glorious invention known as the tankini. Surely I could wear one of those. But, no. Remember the long torso thing I’ve got going on? Most tankinis are made for regular torsoed women, so when I try one on there remains a two inch gap twixt bottom and top. Talk about flattering! Picture a pooch of flubber encircling my midriff like the rings of Saturn. No Sports Illustrated cover for me this year.

I’d ordered my old suit, the one now relegated to the scrap pile, from Land’s End several years ago. So, online I go. Wonder of wonders, they still carry that style, but they are out of my size except in combat-ready green. No thanks.

But they do have an intriguing new product: the extra high-waisted skirted tankini bottom. Just the name of it took up three lines of copy, so it’s got to be good! It’s $75, but it might be the answer to a long torso problem. So, I bought a tankini top with a decent bra (another issue I face) and have the bottoms on order. I’ll review the results and get back to you.

In the meantime. Does anyone have ideas for recycling an old swimsuit? Almost transparent, but the straps are still good. Slingshot? Bungee cords?

Peace, People!

Gator!

It’s official! We have a gator living in the lake behind our home. Studly first noticed him Saturday afternoon, but he disappeared before I could get a good look at him.

Yesterday I had to drive into Tallahassee to buy some final touches for our Labor Day meal and when I pulled into the driveway Studly was grinning from ear to ear.

“Hurry!” he urged.”the gator’s right behind the deck.”

I didn’t need coaxing. I left my groceries in the car and trotted down to the dock with my husband in tow. As we neared the dock, Studly said “I don’t see him now. He must have left.”

We stepped out onto the dock and bam! the little stinker shot out from underneath the boards we were standing on. I must confess, Studly squealed like a little girl while I maintained a calm demeanor. At least that’s the story I’ll be telling.

Once our hearts returned to something resembling their normal number of beats per minute we had an opportunity to look at our gator. He (she?) stopped about 20 feet out to observe us as we observed him. He isn’t very big–maybe three feet in length, and quite handsome as alligators go. As soon as we returned to the house we watched him swim back underneath our deck. Oh joy! He’s claimed our property as his own.

There are two schools of thought regarding alligators in our neighborhood. The first is that they are a menace and should be disposed of as soon as they are spotted. The other school says, it’s a lake, it’s Florida, you take the gators along with the snakes, the fish, and the turtles.

Studly and I won’t be calling local attention to our little guy any time soon. We’re pretty stoked that he chose us. By the same token, I won’t be kayaking on our lake until he’s gone. I don’t want to be gator bait.

Peace, People!

Useless Information?

Studly and I are having an argument. He maintains that most information is useless. I say there is no such thing as useless information.

According to Studly, most information does not directly impact the life of the average person rendering it of no consequence. I say, if information affects even one person, then it cannot be described as useless.

To prove his point Studly wants to go through the headlines: Kyle Orton retired, then in a couple of weeks un-retired. Joan Rivers is unconscious. Kylie Jenner ripped her jeans and her dark nails were a flop. Mark Wahlberg is not attending his brother Donnie’s wedding.

Studly says the information related in these stories has no bearing on him, or indeed on anyone not immediately involved in the lives of these people; ergo, it is classified as useless.

I intend to disprove his point. Let’s take the Kyle Orton headline. First, Kyle retired from his position as a backup QB with the Dallas Cowboys. That had an impact on his family. Perhaps they had to tighten their belts for a couple of weeks, so they stopped adding to the Consumer Spending Index. Perhaps they had to let their housekeeper and gardener and nanny go. This raises the unemployment figures for the month. That in turn causes uncertainty in the economy. That directly affects me.

I win.

It’s my blog after all.

Peace, People!

P.S. I’m not sure I could have come up with an argument for the Kylie Jenner bit. Who the heck is Kylie Jenner anyway?